... those were the days

.Wednesday, October 10, 2007 ' 5:44 PM Y

you used to be the reason, for my smile.

i'm prepared to post loads

so if you're nt interested hearing abt my boring life, i advise you to scram immediately.

lets start from monday

so i missed mum's birthday celeb. all thanks to home econs. i did it until like, 12am and then studied chengyu until 2.30am? great. i hate you. and no offence denise, but kmy is right. you won't understand cos euu wasn't e one who were doing like shit until past midnight, losing precious sleep all becos of this stupid project.

tuesday

shitty day. one of e most horrible days of my life.

starting in e morning. english paper came back. many people were upset. sorry kmy i know i'm terribly bad at comforting people. and then denise fainted cos she didn't eat breakfast. sorry denise too cos i'm also nt good at the aspect of caring openly for people but just wanted euu to know i was praying 4 euu and i cared. yeah. and then g.sim made things worse.

denise then went home. recess time was spent rushing home econs. yeah. and getting more pissed with someone.

c.lit was quite okay. had this competition thingy. i won a bag of m&m thanks to kmy who told me e ans to smth. actually i just tried my luck cos when i raised my hand prepared to give e ans, ppl started whispering and hissing other answers to me. haha. funny sight. i was damm confused and blur and when zhangmanli asked me whats my ans, i went like, "我不知道!我不知道!" rah.

home econs. did presentation. embarrassed myself and blah blah. i specially bought my pentel slicci for e presentation but forgot to show e pens in e end. sigh.

then kmy had a fever. sigh.

band. weiping and chengmei came back. nice of them. discussed squad tee.
then something very very bad happened

my trombone dropped onto e floor

it sounds ok when i'm saying this but you'll never know how i'll feel

i just placed it nicely onto e bench and went down to ask grace ho smth and then suddenly PIANG. i looked up to see a shocked diana and a trombone on e floor and it didn't take me long to realise whose it was. MY DARLING TROMBIE! the slide's damaged it won't slide properly anymore despite us trying to salvage e situation my applying liberal amounts of slide cream. ohmygosh. i wanted to just live with trombie and its damaged slide forever but obviously i can't. i wun be able to play anything. i tried. it made my arm ached like shit cos it was so hard to slide. i am so freaking scared i'm dreading band like shit on tuesday ms sia is coming and e whole band wuld be there i have to go tell ms sia i dropped my trombone and damaged it when i actually didn't cos it just dropped when diana stood up so it wasn't really my fault neither was it hers. i don't know. but i just can't tell ms sia, my trombone just crashed onto e floor for no reason right?

I'M SO SCARED.

i think i'll just die on tues. she'll probably skin me alive or smth. that time she already gave a severe warning when yuanlin dropped her saxaphone. i am dead. no, worse than dead. she wuld prob scold me like Godknowswhat and i will just have to let her scold me. and my poor trombone. i wish that a miricle wuld just happen and my trombie will be fine, alive and kicking on tues. no i'm being stupid its impossible. i am really really scared i don't know how to tell ms sia. oh God help me.

so so scared.

was a really really bad day for me and kmy.

yeah and i realised lots of things that day.

i am very qian 4 bian 3.
yeah. you're not wrong. i know that its a fact. i have a very dao and qian bian look. and i probably am. i'm unfriendly and unsociable, and to many, cold blooded. i don't deny that i'm nt cos i know that thats a fact.
but just wanted you all to know, its just cos i hate being extra. whenever i talk i feel extra. whenever i do something i feel extra. i keep thinking of what people wuld say or think about me if i do this or do that, or get angry with me, thus i do nothing at all. i now this probably irritates lots out there but i really can't help it.

i know i'm horrible at comforting others. i get scared when ppl get emo or cry. or get angry. i don't know. its weird cos i am emo and angry most of e time, yet i don't like people to be cos i'm nt good at comforting others. who am i to tell others to take things easy and chill when i can't do it myself? i don't know. really confused.

i just realised the roots of all my problems. i'm too sensitive.

new perspective from now onwards. i shall try to be as sociable and friendly and helpful as possible. afterall kmy's right, its better to be extra than to do nothing at all than be cold blooded. i can't stop people from saying things. this is the basic facts of life. i shall just do things to my instincts and stop being so sensitive. great.

yeah. and then i went home with qixuan. we were dismissed at like 6pm. so we walked to the shop nearby to get snacks and blah. by the time i reached the 163 bus stop it was arnd 6.20. i waited for 163 like for ages. wisely decided to check my phone for msgs.

5 messages.

all telling me to go vivo city at 7.30pm to celeb mum's birthday

great. i decided to phone jean who confirmed. and there i was just abt to board 163. dumb. and that was like, at 6.40pm. and i was stranded in the middle of yio cho kang road. how clever.

hopped onto 265 again to get to e mrt station. how stupid. if i checked my phone earlier i could have saved a load of trouble. by the time i got to e mrt it was 6.50. rushed to vivo, reaching there at like 7.25. yay (: to find that no one was there yet -.- walked arnd, visited candy empire but i was too broke to buy anything. nt to mention i was starving like mad. why? okay, on monday i had lunch at 5pm. missed dinner thanks to rushing home econs. then on tues i didn't eat breakfast, missed recess cos of rushing home econs again. lunch i ate only peach sago cos i had nt much time. so from monday 5pm onwards, i only ate a pathetic cupcake, peach sago, 1 weeny pack of m&ms and an ice cream. all e way till 8pm on tues night. yay.

i don't like it when ppl dun have sense of punctuality. ):

right. we went to sushi tei. food was quite good. and stop thinking just cos i learn jap i must be able to say everything i see and understand what others are saying.
reached home at 10.30. by that time i felt like dying. cos apparently i only had 3hrs of slp e night before.

ok today.

morning passed smoothly. well maybe not really. g.sim called me to go up to e staffroom to take smth after eng. when i came back to class everyone was gone ): without leaving a note. apparetly i was miffled. i momentary forgot what lesson we were having. 1st i thought it was maths. but i saw maths tbs in class. then i thought maybe mrs soh brought us to have a math trail trial. so i started touring e whole sch -.- then i rmb math was last period, so i thought it was chinese. visited zhangmanli's fave places like ava rm, all e c.studios i know of and library etc. couldn't find anyone. then i came up with a stupid inspiration. i rmb zhangmanli was teaching this stupid lesson on frying eggs and said one day she will ask us to fry eggs or smth like that. and i actually visited e home econs rm -.- then while i was walking arnd there i saw e science lab ans went "SHIT. STUPID ME NOW IS SCIENCE LESSON!" and there, finally i arrived at e mpr (:

recess. well sorry kmy i know you're angry and upset but i'm scared when ppl get emo though i am often emo. cos i'm bad at comforting and you probably know it. sorry ):

music. watched prince of egypt. nice and touching. and there was my fave song, when you believe (:

history. last lesson...
math. last lesson...

was quite sad actually. this whole year i've been wishing and wishing that the year wuld end quickily and the holidays wuld come. but now that lesosns are actually ending i'm sad. i don't want things to change next year. i'll miss all my teachers. nice ms law and how she makes hist lessons interesting. even more, mrs soh. i know i didn't use to like her cos she went to fast and was strict. i rmb the 1st lesson where she was listing all e rules of her lessons and they were like, so much. but i've came to like her after seeing zhangmanli's point. she's a great teacher. she seems cold outside but is actually very warm and caring to all of us. sometimes she's funny and makes us laugh. although she's strict with homework and stuff i know its all for our own good. she's a great leader. she works e hardest of all. i think she's e only sub tr who knows all of our names besides mrs kwan. she even knows our index number. she is such a great teacher and i'll miss her really really much.
and zhangmanli. although she's biased and like to praise herself and compare us with other classes, i know deep inside she cares for us loads. like our studies and when we fall sick. although she might nt be a great teacher but at least she tried hard to help us.
and there's ms lee and her funny geog and music lessons.
i miss mrs kwan too... i regret for nt being nice to her cos she was getting so sarcastic and irritating and boring but i realised that she was really nice. she never did scold us over homework or stuff and did her best to help us, although it wasn't very productive. i miss her really much now that i realised how much she cared.
and ms yee. such a nice chem tr. friendly, helpful and caring. i love her to bits.

sorry for the teachers i left out.

and then i went for 3rd lang.

and realised my jap eoy results

40/100

great. its going into my ppr. a big fat E8.
its going to pull down my final yr results like shit.

its nt like i didn't study. i studied like shit, even harder compared to all my review papers i studied for. i started studying since sept hols. i can't bear to see that all that i have studied didn't produce any results. but i think i did well for my final year paper. which was what pulled me up, CA5 did too. cos i failed CA1,2,3,4. yeah i know you must be thinking i'm very stupid. i think so too. why didn't i spend more time studying for the CA1,2,3,4? they were like, only 2 chapters each? finally till CA5 did i realise the better way to study and format and all and i passed. great. so what if i passed 1 CA? i still failed my final EOY resuls. the one that ends up in your ppr. God help me.

i'm seriously in shock. i knew i was going to fail but when the real thing comes, it hits you like a tornado. perhaps when the real thing hasn't come, you still cling on to the teeny bit of hope that you may pass, although you know jolly well you arn't. but at least there is still a little, no matter how small, bit of hope that a miricle might happen. now the real thing has come there's no hope anymore. i'm seriously... emo now. i studied like shit, how could i have failed? i thought my studying madly i could score in my final paper and salvage my horrible results for the other CAs. then during break, when all my other jap friends were happily celebrating their results, i was sent to remedia class to sit there in a daze instead.

i feel so stupid. this is e first time in my whole life i actually failed something that was going into my ppr. i don't mean tests or what but this is my final mark. something that cannot be salvaged by other test results. the 1st time i ever failed, got an E8. well maybe i should be grateful i didn't get an F9. but i can't help it. remedia. this was e 1st time i had to attend something called remedia. i felt so stupid, cut off from the rest of e sec1s happily having post exam activities, watching movies and having cultural activites and cooking lessons and whatever while for e rest of e lessons at moelc i am stuck having remedia. great.

and i realised another thing.

my existance doesn't really matter much to anyone.

i'm still dreadng tuesday.

if only miricles happen...