i didn't make it back to rvps ):

in e morn when i woke up, i tried fruitlessly to get out of bed cos everytime i stood up i would topple back onto my bed giddy-ly. my head felt like it was going to split. so i thought i needed some food. i dragged myself to the bathroom and by the time i reached the kitchen i thought i had just ran my 2.4km. i dug out one of those remainding cupcakes and before i could eat it i got overpowered by stomach cramps. i crawled to the sofa groaning and trashing around like some mad idiot cos my cramps and headache was so bad. so i crawled back to bed and called mum, who was at tan tock seng visiting my grandmother, who couldn't do anything. so i lay groaning on the bed feeling as if a thousand knives were attacking my head and stomach. i couldn't even summon enuf strength to crawl to the kitchen to get myself a panadol.

i fell into a deep sleep and when i woke up, it was 1pm, realising there was many many missed smses and calls on my phone
my remainding cupcake got devoured by the ants. again

although i felt much better, i missed the 6A gathering at rvps ):

i then went to meet mum at tan tock seng and visited my grandmother
pray that God bless her with good health and nt let any mishap happen to her
its a bad time for the family

the clock in my room is finally spoilt, after being late by 10 mins for donkey months. i shall have to get a new one. i can never understand how ppl can live without clocks and watches.

i had wasted 1 whole day, although it isn't really my fault. i must draw up my holiday plan asap.

and shiying, please stop being so depressed

i must go to sleep now
i still don't feel too well and my stomach cramps are still bugging me
maybe i shall have to miss the church outing tmr ):

thanks chengmei for your encouragement (:
we will work hard (:

major power failure? no school?
how abrupt.
just when i rushed to buy and wrap all my 7 teacher's day present
now i can go back to rvps earlier (:

but i left my chinese newspapers in sch and i need it for the stupid project ):
i shall rmb to bring it back on tues

band frm 9-12 on tues and thurs (:
i must practice hard!
i still can't sight read well ):

wanted to have an early night but ended up chatting with kmy for over 50 mins
but anw we can wake up late tmr (((:

i am currently on msn with some ppl
finding out things which i shouldn't, knowing things which i've always wanted to know
but suddenly it feels like i don't want to know and find out anything anymore and just pretend everything is fine and happy ever after
we know the truth, but had never faced it
perhaps, although its difficult, its time to face up to reality

i know its hard
but i know we'll always be there for each other (:
lets just stop being so pessimistic ):

its really starting to get serious between me, kmy and That Person
we should all just chill for awhile in the meantime, while we all try to settle this prob
but perhaps there's nth much we can do ... i really don't know. its all confusing and problematic. i've tried to stop hating, to make things seem better. but its just my own thinking. it takes two hands to clap, i mean, if That Person doesn't want to do anything abt this no matter how much effort i put in to try stop this whole problem, it won't make much difference.
but we ought to try nt to feel so unhappy and chill -looks at kmy and myself
and try to stop all this nonsense -looks at That Person
i just don't want to leave this hanging there

all this stuff abt trying and putting in effort
does it make much difference to the result if the problem, in the 1st place, doesn't lie solely with you?
i've tried. and its difficult. i'm really tired of all this nonsense happening and no one doing anything abt it. well, maybe they are. but it doesn't cause much effect. i mean... ok i don't really know what i mean... i just hope that all these things and problems abt personal relations would just end soon and everyone would just live happily ever after

if only it was that simple

thanks tessa... for everything you've done for us (:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PKMY
you are officially 13 today (:

my dumb surprise turned out to be...
A HOMEMADE CUPCAKE. -how uninteresting ):
i hope she liked it. it didn't turn out that good cos i didn't have enuf choco power and i didn't put enuf baking power so those pathetic cupcakes looked so teeny and underformed.
and it was all nice, cripsy on the outside and fluffy on the inside... but it didn't taste as nice cos i had to put it in the fridge ): thanks to those dumb ants
the ants infested two of my cupcakes which i left out to cool ):
i am now snuffing off the rest. i am going to get so fat

anw, the effect wasn't as good as i expected
i wanted it to be before everyone went for recess and sing kmy a birthday song then i'll give her e cupcake wif e candle on top
but all thanks to the o lvl prelims, we wern't allowed to sing birthday songs, or stay even for the most teeny bit in class cos mrs soh had to escort us to the canteen
i spent half of recess with denise luring kmy away when i tried un-fruitfully to light the dumb candle. it was just too windy
i suceeded in e end but the moment i lighted the candle, kmy had to blow it off immediately cos the wind was blowing. so fast that i didn't even haf a chance to sing her an opera birthday song ):
she made me jealous cos she got so many presents ):

anyway, i'll really miss mrs kwan
i suddenly do like her alot now, if i put aside her sarcasm
i didn't even haf a chance to give her a teachers day present

ppr was quite good. i improved like 3 + marks with a 73.~ (i don't rmb)
i'm just quite disappointed english was again a B3, math and art was a B~ (i don't rmb too) :(
at least no Cs this time
and i still feel guilty abt hist. cos i know my ppr won't be so high if i took that hist test ):
band today was 3 hrs straight of combined
nearly killed me
we were playing section by section while ms sia was enjoying torturing us with what she gave a nicer name, 'testing us on our basic fundamentals'
scales, triplets, 16 counts
triplets went so fast i'm surprised my right arm is still intact
weiyun is amazed at my positioning and keeps making me laugh ):
my sect got kicked out cos of Aflat scale. which i felt guilty for cos i accidently played D instead of Dflat ):
and we didn't want to go back in cos they were playing singapore rhapsody ):
without the sec 3s, i really couldn't just sit there and stone nor fake blowing anymore cos it was pretty obvious. with me sitting right in the centre somemore
so i blew and made the song sound bad ):
i'm just glad i lived through it. and the last 2 songs of sousa too

SHIYING! CHEER UP ):
you looked so sad ): jiayou okay? (:
I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO TO PERCS ):

i want to sleep so badly cos i had a bad night
i shall put asean off till the hols
sorry vanessa, nien ping and sarah!
i hoped you all didn't read all those hateful posts i blogged cos i really wasn't feeling too right then... ): and if you already read it, i hope you won't take it to heart ):
and don't worry, i won't go on strike :P i promise i'll finish up the brouchure asap (:

i shall siam off cos i haven't bought and wrap my teachers day presents!

haha kmy i shall make you do a treasure hunt all over the school! MUAHAHAHAHA
just joking. LOL. and dun worry i won't kidnap euu x)
and its just a small surprise lah... actually nt even much of a surprise... don't expect so much okay? :)
i can't wait for tmr!

except its combined... without sec 3s
and i think the test sia promised wuld be tmr
GROANS

student leader handover today (:
i just hate it how the school always like to kick the sec 1s off to one side just becos we're sec 1s and they love the sec 4s and every other so much cos they think the sec 1s are the most happy and stress-less and carefree lvl.
yeah right. like real
as usual we were on the track, unable to see anything like how the national day celebs went. or any other ancient celebs.

mrs kwan is leaving
though i started hating her for a few mths after she became all mean to me, the pathetic english rep, and became all sarcastic and everything, i will really miss her.
her with her rubbish newspaper work and her who is deeply in love with vocabulary and perfect grammar.
the her who is always taking her english rep (ahem) for granted and treating her like shit
her who is always so ever sarcastic with her boring teaching style
i will really miss her and the nicer side of her

i hope the other english teacher will be nice

ms lee was very very funny today
i miss her and her laughter and her jokes. haha
the poor her got this medical problem which she told ppl, female problems. haha. which ppl tot was pregnancy and breast cancer. LOL

and mrs soh was nice too
she gave us 15 mins off lessons to do our math homework. but i think most ppl just slacked and started packing their tables. haha. cos zhang man li wanted us to clear our stuff by today. so dumb lah. everyone else is doing it tmr. and we've gotta bring home all our textbooks which we still need on thurs. DUMB
and mrs soh requests her nxt set of hw to be handed in wrapped in wrapping paper. LOL

we watched the pompeii movie during hist
it was nice. and quite touching

had lunch at wasabi (:
shopped around... i got kmy's present (: but i spent like the rest of my afternoon working on a surprise for her (: well i wanted treasure hunt like yu ting's but i don't think she'll like it so nvm ): i'm nt saying anything =X HA. she'll get a nice surprise frm me tmr x)

i shall go work on asean!

sorry vanessa i couldn't get you your water babies ):

chinese test, english, chinese, c.lit test, home econs
its a wonder i didn't die of boredom

band is getting more and more stressful
regina just dropped the bomb that we wuld be joining main band in term 4
i don't want ):
at least we had mr choy today. olivia thinks he's cute? ohmygosh. he keep doing that weird tongue clicking and eyebrown raising thing that everyone thinks is cute but i think its annoying. and he pronounces saxaphones as 'saxer-ferns' and clarinets as 'carine-nets'. ah well... at least he's nice, quite funny, nt fierce and has a sense of humour. and he praises us too (: and i think he's a quite good conductor cos there's like feelings and everything in his conducting and the way he conducts is like, very very professional and rythemic. unlike ms sia who always use the un-hearable metronome.
and i embarrassed myself twice today during combined
you know that kind of thing its like so noisy and suddenly everyone just shuts up and you're the only one left talking and everyone is looking at you?
ok, 1st time was when me and olivia were arguing abt how high the stand shld be cos she likes it low and i like it high and then cos when its high i can't put it in front of me cos my slide keeps hitting it so i put it beside me slanted and she started going 'see, see, who ask you put so high' and i got very pissed cos i liked it high and the other time my stand was low i kept looking down at the scores and sia threatened to kick me out and i got so pissed i said super loudly, "i like it high! i need it high!" when everyone just went silent after mr choy's signal and everyone started laughing at me ):
2nd time was the same situation when me and olivia were arguing again abt how el capitan is supposed to be played... frm e 1st time bar to 2nd time or just straight to 2nd time. then i think we were arguing pretty loudly and just when it went silent, i went "nononono its la la la la (sings)" ohmygosh lah. why is it always me?

i am dreading the day we join main band
i realised that in band, there is so much more to holding an instru and blowing air into it
i have to learn to:
- sight read faster
- memorize notes and positions
- improve tone
- get correct pitch
- use more air support
- blow high notes
- blow long notes
- stop pressing against my mouthpiece
- position faster
- improve embouchure, drop jaw more
- look at the conductor

i can't really rmb anymore

anyway, i am getting quite fed up with some of e section greens
i am quite sorry to say that
but i am

actually, i really want to scream and curse and rant on and on abt certain ppl that i'm really sick of and hate to the end of the earth but i haven't really got much time
i shall bear with it for awhile and do all my hate posts some other day

tmr is one of my very rare afternoon-free weekday. i am going to have a decent lunch somewhere like jacks place or wasabi cos i miss those cheap student weekday set lunches i have been deprived of since full band prac and everything started. then, i shall shop for birthday presents and teacher's day presents. and go to popular to get stuff for some ppl and asean pw. i shall then go home to settle the asean brochure nonsense, and then do all my absurd homework. i shall then have dinner and go to sleep

my plan even involves projects
when will i ever have a proper free day?
even the hols aren't hols anymore

i am going to work on the rubbish home econs pw now

today had its ups and downs, sweet and sour...

"no road is too long when you travel with a friend"

i bought this inspirational card frm sci centre, along with...
"study hard so that your future would be bright"
"congratulations! you passed the test! well done!" (smth lidat)
" friendship. 1 brain to choose you, 1 heart to love you, but i wish i had more arms to hug you!"

i guess there's quite alot of downs abt today
i got very confused and tired looking and thinking of the things i have to do
all those pws, the asean one is particularly killing me
i am quite tired of trying to be responsible
now i know why irresponsible ppl live such a good and happy life
except it would bug my conscience forever if i were to be irresponsible
i'm really tired of grp pws.

on a brighter note, i guess i was quite happy all the same before teamwork.
i guess it has been a long long time since me and kmy has had a good laugh together
we laughed like mad and loonies during chinese
i miss laughing and talking with her like mad idiots so much (:
except now another thing is bugging the both of us.
perhaps its true that we as humans wuld never be truly, and fully happy.

i guess self prac wasn't too productive
olivia, shiying, qixuan and me ate lunch
then went down to prac. qixuan and olivia had to leave early and tadah, there was me and shiying.
i tried to practice the right way. i did long notes, but i found out everytime i couldn't hold anymore and tried to push my diaphragm or lungs more the sound that comes out wuld be very very weird and shaky. i then tried to tune and rmb how each note sounds like but my air speed varies too much for me to get the same pitch/tune everytime.
everyone soon left too and the lonesome both of us felt so weird
we could hear the sound noise we were making reflecting back to us loud and clear
we played chorales which sounded pretty horrible, we did arpeggios, chromatics and intervals which i guess sounded okay except it was a little out of tune. then i set my heart on learning the notes of the chromatics and positioning instead of just memorizing chromatics by positions. so i drew a nice keyboard and all, and wrote the notes and positions down and tried to memorize it, only to find that there are actually so many lower notes and higher notes so now i gotta redraw everything ):

thanks to jessling for opening the door for us and waiting for us to be done before locking the door (:
me and shiying felt pretty guilty ):

i shall go do homework... -GROANS-

i'm slacking

there's so much schoolwork unrelated stuff i need to do
housekeeping stuff. do you call them that? whatever

i need to get money. i need to tighten my pinafore belts, i need to buy lots of stuff like conditioner which i have been going without for days making my hair horrible, more sch socks, safety pins, tissue paper and many many many other things. i need to photocopy my band scores and organize those section green's stuff. i need to wash my school shoes, arrange my stuff, pack the clothes in my cupboard. i need to get rid of the huge mountains of stuff in my lockers and under my desk and all over. i need to settle stuff like buy new blouse and pe shirts and whatever. i need to update my hotmail contact list. i need to do many many many more things i have no time and energy to do.

although there's no jap this wk, i have to go back for band on monday to prac very very hard cos ms sia is testing us on intervals and chromatics on tues.
its horrifying. bflat scale test was already enuf to murder me
i just can't seem to get my tone and pitch right
anw, good luck to all sec 4 3rd lang ppl taking their prelims this wk (:

and there are quite a few tests this wk
summary test on monday, chinese letter writing and c.lit test on tues
i'm gonna get a overdose of chinese on tues
and i don't like home econs. its awfully boring
tues has now became one of my least favourite days

i love my new brook sch shoes!!
they're all spongy, huge, fat and chunky
i miss those fat squishy shoes!
i've just got a teeny problem. i can't point properly when i have to during drills now ):

i shall sleep early today
busy day tmr!
i kinda envy ppl with parents who pamper them, to a certain extend that is.
mine just give me more trouble and things to do
"joan! help me on my karoke thingy! joan! help me on my msn! joan! do this, do that!"
haven't i have enough things to do already?
i hope i will survive with this overload of both schoolwork related and unrelated stuff i have to do
they bother me alot.

i have been too tired to get everything sorted out and organized

my laptop is in 1 huge gigantic mess with truckfulls of viruses and files all over that i have to run a search everytime i need a certain file
my worksheet file is in a horrific state with papers spewing out like a pile of garbage and is overloaded so much it's gonna split soon
i haven't photocopied all my band scores and books and everytime we need scores or stuff we have to rush arounds screaming and digging like nobody's business
the section green's stuff are just lying around like rubbish and being trodden on and thrown around
my jap file starts ejecting worksheets everytime i turn it upside down
i've got so much rubbish in class i had to take up 1 whole locker, half of the spare lockers, my entire table, e extra chair stacked full beside my desk, under the extra chair hanging from my tables are chunks of newspapers

i am so horrible

i shall clear my laptop, jap files and worksheet file during the hols
i shall settle all the band scores and books and photocopy everything i need tmr
i shall get the section greens a nice, big box from ikea during the hols to put all our stuff
i shall clear my classroom stuff on mon, tues and wed after school and rmb to get big cardboard boxes from the office

or else i shall die in confusion and messiness soon

my life is in such a huge mess it seems almost impossible to settle

i must:
- be a more faithful christian
- stop doing things that spoils ppl's image of st. nicks, christians and teens
- try to read a little portion of the bible everyday
- pray everyday. not only when i need help from God
- control my temper and emotions
- stop sleeping during service
- stop switching off my alarm clock unknowingly (though i don't know how)
- stop waking up late
- stop wasting money and losing money and spending money unecessarily
- be nicer to others
- try not to slack so much

i guess the list is too huge for me to type everything out

i have an absloute splitting headache

i shall be a good angel and write a letter to my mortal (:
its going to be fun!
hmm... i wonder who's my angel...
so excited to know... (:
i hope its a fun and enthusiastic person!

i need：
- new school bag
- new school shoes that are fat and spongy
- more school socks
- new pencil case (mine is bursting from immense volume)
- get pen refills or new stationery (i've lost 3 pencils!)
- jacket (my one and only jacket has a big hole)
- new shoes (sis brought the nikerman pair to hall!)
- ripple slippers
- new jeans x2
- many more collared tops
- 1 size smaller blouse
- many many many sizes smaller pe shirts and shorts
* money

money does do wonders

people change over time. i'm one of them

why has she changed to much?

i really don't know who on earth can i 100% trust in anymore

do you realise that 1 sentence you say can really make a difference, whether small or huge, to anything?

i'm confused by the complexity, yet simpleness of a human mind

anyway, sci centre today was great!
we had two interesting and fun lessons on DNA and lots of experiments
though i don't like those stinky gloves and bacteria
will upload those pics someday

i got a little pissed when it was time to go home
they told us 5pm
so dumb. we ended at like, 2pm?
so yanlin and weiting rushed off when her dad was supposed to give us a lift. and i called them and i had to chase them all over sci centre

"where are you?"
"i'm at the chemistry there"
(rushes to the chemistry area)
"i don't see you"
"oh, we went to the energy section liao"

and when i called weiting, euu know what she said?
"i don't know... you come with us lah. my father call then we have to go liao"
that gave me the impression that they were leaving soon.
when i finally hunted them down...
"my dad is coming in 1 hr"
and gives me that can't be bothered look and continued playing which pissed me
i tried to get grace and yanlin to get a cab with me
but they all wanted to save money
so much for being friends

i was so pissed i stormed off alone
i walked to the mrt station which wasn't very far... around 15mins walk
i sploshed thru the muddy field like nobody's business cos i was so pissed and was rushing
ended up getting mud all over my shoes and socks
trained to woodlands and took 161 home
i hate that bus
was horribly slow okay. we were on the expressway and it was moving like... snail pace that like a thousand cars past us and it was vibrating and jerky which made me a little carsick

reached home at 4. just in time to attend 1 more hr of foc
the 1st thing i did when i entered there?
word search and decoding
we did it on 2 hymns
and then we all left
how interesting

i have to go wash my muddy shoes now

today started off bad by me falling asleap on my geog graded assignment and waking up at 6.30am
i had to call a cab

lessons were quite slack today

i was like, braindead during math, e.lit i was just listening cos i just don't take notes for e.lit, pe was spent doing aces and then table tennis which made me quite pissed cos i wanted to play e proper doubles but the others just wanted to do it anyhow. i felt a little mean being a party pooper later

it was raining like ohmygosh during recess. i mean, really pouring like what. oh how i miss this kind of weather. you never get this at my place in sengkang

sci was free cos ms tan wasn't here. i think she's getting nicer now. haha. we had like, 4 periods of sci yest cos assembly was used for friday's blah time slot lesson which was also science! 2 hrs straight of bio. haha. i survived (: i felt so proud of myself for doing the worksheets and copying the answers down for like e 1st time (:

then we went for drama. whoohooo! 1j's peformances rawked ((: i think my grp was pretty good. all the other grps were really funny too! ((:

then we chionged back to class to pack up

SCIENCE CENTRE!!!
was cool. i loved my white coat. it was so huge and comfy ((:
i was working with sarah, nienping and vanessa koh
took lots of pics (: i loved the experiments (:
looking forward to tmr's lessons! (:

i chatted with kmy on e phone for like, 1hr plus e moment i came back (:
abt all kinds of stuff and how my attitude sucks and abt some ppl and blah

and i found out that ppl hate or am irritated with me becos:
- i'm moody all e time and have bad mood swings -nods vigorously-
- i get chao angry easily over e teeniest things and show my anger at ppl openly
- i keep banging the door everytime i'm pissed (see, i shouldn't sit near the door nxt time though i love my seat ):
- i am super slack (i agree, though i do try to do my part for grp projects ok...)

and i guess many other stuff. pls do give me more comments on how my attitude sucks or how euu find me irritating etc etc cos i really want to know. esp whether am i a responsible grp member or leader during grp pws. i promise i won't get offended (: in fact, i'll be grateful if euu do (: cos i find it confusing when ppl dislikes me with a reason i don't know

anw, i miss talking to kmy so much...

I'M SO SAD I MISSED DRILLS AND PART OF SQUAD TALK )))))):
gosh... i am seriously feeling bad
we talked abt stuff... and some ppl.
the section greens actually told our SCs abt e thingy
i still couldn't believe that we did

went for dinner with weiping, joannah, chengmei and olivia
too bad diana, shiying and qixuan couldn't join us

today was a good day of band

"we swear that this conversation is strictly confidential and we wouldn't tell anyone abt it"
"yeah like real"

"how would you like us to make band more enjoyable?"
"fire ms sia"

"its so quiet. can you all say something?"
"may i go to the toliet?"

"where are we going for dinner?"
"lets go on a diet instead"
"i'll take 86 home"

"we should be more bonded as a band"
"lets go on a band outing"
"imagine 80 ppl flying 80 kites at west coast"

and other funny parts (:

science centre tmr! i'm looking forward to it (:
its going to be a busy day tmr :S

why have you changed so much?
well, maybe i have too...
so much for math scenerios and my hist test
don't you realise that i wasn't given an extended deadline for e.lit graded assignment and hist coursework when i was on MC too?
why must you be like this?
i'm confused
why must the human mind work in the most complicating ways?

my lips hurt like bloody hell now

the moment i was out from that horrible combined, i felt like screaming like nobody's business
thankfully, i did not

i think i have some mental problem
i am unaware of what i'm doing sometimes
esp to off my alarm clock without knowing i even did

i felt very braindead today
and my lips hurt like it was on fire
we kept playing intervals and arpeggios over and over
and played long 16 count notes
i couldn't hit the high notes and was pressing like my life depended on it

ms sia kept threatening to kick me out cos i didn't look at her and kept slouching and looking down
its bad. after using diana's old trombone for so long, mine suddenly feels so heavy and i keep forgetting to use the trigger
and i kept slouching to look at e scores

i totally gave up during singapore rhapsody
it was totally new to us
and ms sia wanted us to play
i took 1 look at e score and knew i wuldn't be able to play it
i couldn't even be bothered to try
and i was right in the center. right in front of ms sia if euu didn't count the ppl between us.
i felt so defiant and rebellious
she was giving me this 'do you want to die' look and i was staring indifferently at her like nobody's business
thankfully i got out of this alive

i feel really dead and not myself today
i really don't know what is wrong with me

my lips feel as if its gonna drop off any moment
i just can't help pressing

science centre tmr
i hope it'll be good

st. nicks has changed me

alot

for the worse

i'm different

i will never be the me i used to be ever again

i saw another someone at the bus stop coming home frm 3rd lang
which made my stomach clench, missing my pri sch friends and my old pri sch life

i've changed

grp pws are killing me
i'm so sick of them
but i'm so sick of arguing and trying to put my point across and just do nothing but offend ppl all round
for once, i shall just shut up and go along with the ideas i'm nt even happy with
i should learn to control my emotions and words
and my horrible temper

i got 96 for history ppr. highest in class
you think i'm happy? no.
cos i know i cheated. well, nt technically. but i still feel bad abt it
i missed e 1st test, the one which slaughtered everyone. cos of my grandfather's funeral
i know i would have scored horribly if i took e test
now half the class hates me like shit
i don't blame them. although i do think its a little saddening
but will you people be a little more tactful with your words?
"joan! you're so lucky! joan! so good!"
i'm lucky that my grandfather died to that i can skip a history test? do you think that i thought it was good that i had to attend my grandfather's funeral just for the sake of skipping history test?

i feel horrible today

i'm sorry for my sucky attitude
i'm really sorry

perhaps someone should just point out to me in detail how horrible my attitude is so that i'll have a clearer idea

i need to change. for the better

ooooohhhhhh mr ***** *** just go and die please
hello, i left my table lamp there for a week and you haven't helped me put e bulb yet ?!
and euu actually threw away some people's lamps ?!
oooohhhh if euu throw away mine i'll chop off your head
I WANT MY LAMP
even in the horrible state its in

i'm frigging pissed
some despicable idiot stole all of denise's water babies, and took away my blue and purple one
mine was put in a small bowl so i suppose it'll look fishy if she stole the whole bowl away
and i accidentally flushed e red one down the drain or smth
OOOOOHHHHHHHH
i am so pissed
and now it only looks like i've got red and yellow cos i duno where on earth the pruple is gone and the transparent ones can't even be seen
i want to get another packet
but e prob is every packet comes with transparent *GROANS*
i want all e colours to make a multicoloured lava lamp (:
i shall search ikea or somewhere for prettyprettypretty glass jars and plastic containers someday when i'm free (thats like, never?)

and i am gettint fustrated with cme and drama projects
i can't stand this anymore
its driving me up the wall

i spilled lemon barley on jane, myself, my pencil case, my c.lit notebook and the floor
jane got real pissed
but most of it went on me
i had to wash my pinafore until i looked like i just went waddling into some pool
and my stationery ended up in a pathetic plastic bag

today was supposed to be a good day, despite some bad things happening
but sia spoilt it all
i think she really has this thing against trombones
true, i won't deny that our tone sucks and we can't play high notes
but must she say we're retarded? must she say that we have mental problems?
we've all tried our best to push with air support, to drop our jaws
she let the trumpets not play the high notes
but pianpian want to torture e trombones by making us blow
and scold us when we can't reach
does she realise that the best way to get us to improve is to teach us? not insulting us and critizing us, telling us our problems harshly but nt giving us solutions? how does that helps?
nothing. except to make everyone unhappy, discouraged, and feel horrible.

she tested us b flat, e flat and f major today.
which totally sucked.
b flat was individual test.
ok, my tone sucks my posture sucks my notes are all out of tune.
look, the posture was not my prob
she made me run back to e band rm to get my old trombone
AND ARGHHHH I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE DID TO MY BELL ITS ALL CHAO OILY AND STINKY NOW
ok, and i was all out of breath
and she did the stupid 1 note 8 counts e flat scale
and i haven't even opened my book she started
so i had to look at olivia's book
which made me slouch and look down cos my bell was blocking e book and her stand was so low
sickening sia scolded me
"TROMBONE. YOU. BAD POSTURE. DON'T SLOUCH. DON'T LOOK DOWN. LOOK UPPPPP"
oooohhhh.... dammit.
and i was damm out of breath
then she tested 1 by 1
i think i was ok. except my tone still sucks and my low notes has a horrible sound
poor diana, qixuan and shiying
ms sia was threatening to kick them out of trombones
i think she's serious
she's been saying this for a long long time
i feel quite scared
i don't know why ms sia just makes ppl scared
when we were waiting for our turn to blow, we went all cold and shivery and scared
i'm scared that she'll transfer any of those wonderful ppl out
or perhaps, me myself
i'll seriously start crying if she does that
i've became very attached to those 4 wonderful ppl

i don't want to talk abt sia anymore
she makes me feel very scared
we'll be tested on chromatics and intervals nxt wk
and we have this dumb new song to learn
and f major scale which is wahpiang kanasai high
what is sia thinking ?!?
i am feeling scared for all the sec 1s

am still having problems with drama and cme
i hate it so much
esp cme
ohhhhhhh... i gotta chiong cme tmr. and drama too
and geog's graded assignment is due on friday
nxt wk: monday - eng summary test
tuesday - c.lit test + whatever's for comman test

i am losing my love for st. nicks more and more
its the people there that keep me alive

i really feel like slacking the whole of today off
and poning jap on wednesday
i don't know why am i suddenly becoming so defiant and rebellious
maybe its the horrible sch curriculum thats driving me to the wall
but i shall switch immediately back to my guai side
*groans*
i think i've got a split personality

today was quite bad. but in some ways, good

morn was already bad
i rushed around looking for my class tee
we needed it to take class pics
mum woke up and started nagging in this super shrill and chao irritating voice which pisses me off
and she kept accusing me of misplacing it
i got so fed up that i marched out of the hse without it cos i was abt to be late anyway
cos e telly msg i received was that only the photogenic ppl had to bring their class tee
*pissed*
the dumbest thing is that
i and sherbelle are e only ppl who wear 'S' in our class
e rest are 'XS'
and sherbelle's grp was talking after me
so i had to wear 'XS'
horrible lah. it looked so... tight.
and that pic is going into e yearbook
kill me pls

and 1st thing in e morn i met someone which i least wanted to meet

i totally slept thru english
under mrs kwan's nose
how horrible of me

ooooohhhhh how i hate zhang man li
she doesn't say what she means
all those rubbish abt dun be competitive
i think she's e most competitive herself
forever full of crap wan lah she.
i dowan to talk abt her anymore. she boils my blood


lunch with the section greens (:
orange bowl !
pity i didn't have enuf time to enjoy it slowly
we rushed down to the band rm
and started practicing
me, like a madman cos i was rushing to prac chromatics, intervals and e nonsense triplets thingy
and sousa (say suu-zerr)
jiahui got tormented by sia for going SOUUU SAAAARRR in front of her *winces*

CA5 was quite ok
at least i could do all of e questions. although i don't know abt e quality
this is e 1st time i'm able to finish my CA on time man...

quite a happy day afterall... only gotta finish that dumb dnt drawing which i am 100% certain i handed it in to mr tay
DUMB
i can't do cme now
there's some disputes and problems

i shall go to sleep

now i know what it feels like not to give a damm about anything anymore
part of me feels sucky
part of me feels defiant
part of me feels scared what tmr might be like
but a very teeny part of me is feeling calm and relaxed

today was a rather relaxing day
i didn't want to think about anything that bothered me
but a teeny part of me kept nudging me to get on with my life, to continue mugging for CA5, to get on with my cme project, to finish all my undone jap hw

i did try to get on with life
i chionged my theory work before piano
after piano i slacked like...
i went shopping with mum. didn't buy anything though. i'm getting broke
i've fallen in love with goldheart's and lee hwa's purple gold
ITS SO BEAUTIFUL
then mum, sis and i went to yakun to drink coffee
and then we went home and i slacked somemore

and then e whole family went to sakae for dinner
they should just smash down those idiotic round tables and seats lah
i was squashed like some shrimp between sis and dad
thanks to those idiot round benches

we sat there chit chatting for a long long time
talking abt all kinds of crap
and when my dad could actually retire
and my family reminding me of how i said i wanted to have 10 kids when i was much younger
HAHA
we all had a good laugh
actually i felt quite out cos as usual, i am the most out-of-the-world person in the family. both my sisters are in uni while i'm still in secondary. and i guess i have a totally different life from them. we grew up differently i guess.

then we walked round and round compass point looking at clothes and stuff
finally reached home at 10
ah wells...

your sms really made my day
i know what i msged euu was really quite ehhhh.... *flushes embarrassedly*
but i wasn't think properly at that time. i mean, i was so emo and all
i am just so, so happy
i started bouncing around and grinning like some retard cheshire cat at church
HAHA
it was a hard and painful 12 days
i'll cherish this properly. i will *prays hard*
cos i've never known its proper significance until i've actually lost it.

i finally found my WATER BABIES!!!!
they're so cute (:
i got purple, yellow, red and transparent
i really wanted blue and pink too
i'll get another pack when i have the money (:

i've done my jap essay corrections
I'M DAMM PISSED
just becos i forgot to staple the 2nd pg when i handed in
POON COUNTED IT AS LATE SUBMISSION AND IS GIVING ME 0 MARKS
WHEN I TOOK GREAT PAINS TO WRITE THE DUMB ESSAY
ooooohhhh... how pissing....

i've just realised many many ppl says cme project is nt due tmr (:
i dun really care abt jap filing anymore... although its graded
i'm just going to flunk jap this yr
this feeling is quite good, actually
having many things to do, yet giving yourself a break and slacking
i feel relaxed
but i guess its back to STRESS STRESS STRESS tmr

schedue: do essay corrections and kanji worksheets in e morn
copy undone jap worksheets off someone in between lessons (bad me)
recess -- study jap. eat
copy undone jap worksheets off someone in between lessons again
lunch -- study jap until 2.30pm. buy bread
2.30 - 3.30pm -- self prac at band rm. (SHIT SHIT I HAVE TO LEARN
CHROMATICS AND INTERVALS AND TRIPLETS THINGY AND SOUSA I STILL
BLOW LIKE SHIT AND SIA IS TESTING ONE BY ONE ON TUES!!!!)
3.30 - 4.30pm -- chiong to 3rd lang like some madwoman (can't afford to be late...)
JAP CA5 !!!!!! (ohmygosh i suddenly feel so nervous)

i'm glad cme is nt due tmr
i shall go to sleep

it went on for a long long time
i couldn't stop it
i'm such a sucker

i haven't been studying much today
i haven't done my cme project, or all my many many many pages of jap hw and theory work
my brain feels totally like cotton now
i've forgotten everything i've studied
i think on mon i wuld just break down and start crying during CA5
i suddenly feel that i can't do this
i give up trying to study
i'm totally sick of all those CAs
i give up trying to meet deadlines and fufil my responsibility as a good and hardworking student which i was not, and will never be.
i give up trying futilely to pass my many tests
i give up trying not to drop onto the bed and start sleeping sleeping like some pig everytime i get home

i give up trying to hide my feelings and stop myself from crying

i'm sorry joanne, weng chen, kai sing and all you wonderful jap ppl who have been supporting me so ever much thru all those many CAs and tedious lessons, encouraging me all the way
i'm sorry if i let all of you down by failing another of my CAs again
or worst, just drop it
don't hold it against me
i'm sorry

i'm sorry to all my section greens for being so slacky and un-motivating all of you during band pracs
i'm sorry for my horrible tone and being out of tune all the time, which gets us into alot of trouble during combined
i'm sorry for hogging the tuner during combined all the time
i'm sorry for nt being able to help you with the notes and positioning and all
and i feel guilty for memorizing chromatics by positions

i feel horrible
i suck at putting my point and feelings across in words and instead of making myself feel better, i feel angry and fustrated with myself

i was in no mood to study any longer and started slacking
i stumbled across some ppl's blog
and started reading them
then i realized everything
all the truths behind everything. all the words unsaid. all the secrets unknown
all the things which i've always wanted the answers to
i now know the truth. the horrible truth
now i wished i had never known

i've developed a splitting headache
i'm in a total daze
i can't go on anymore

i can't stop it

i'm such a sucker

it wasn't for sympathy

thats all i can say

i really meant it
i really miss you

i don't guarantee that this would never happen again
but i promise that i would try my best not to let this go on
even with all the problems, i just can't let go
we haven't been together for very long
but you mean alot to me
since that day, everytime you talked to me i wuld feel a sense of great happiness rush thru me
esp on thurs when things were actually becoming better

perhaps its just my problem and all my fault
i'm sorry for all the hurt and unhappiness i've caused
but i can't just let go
i really miss you

i've just realised. i'm such a sucker

Many nights we've prayed
With no proof anyone could hear.
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood.

Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear.
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could.

[Chorus]
There can be miracles when you believe.
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill.
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe?
Somehow you will,
You will when you believe.

In this time of fear,
When prayer so often proves in vain,
Hope seemed like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away.
Yet now I'm standing here
With heart so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say.

[Chorus]
There can be miracles when you believe. (When you believe)
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill.
Who knows what miracles you can achieve (You can achieve)
When you believe?
Somehow you will,
You will when you believe.

They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see the way, get through the rain
A small but still, resilient voice
Says hope is very near, oh [Oh]

[Chorus]
There can be miracles when you believe. (When you believe)
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill.
Who knows what miracles you can achieve (You can achieve)
When you believe?
Somehow you will,
You will when you believe

this is an extremely motivational song which touched my heart
the lyrics is so beautifully written and so meaningful. and the tune is so sweet
a pity its sang it in such a horrible way, esp e last stanza where the tune is all different and the singer is like, screeching the words. i don't even want to download it.
i don't like the singers who sang it.
they ruined the whole song.

i am now motivated to get on with studying
i really want to pass

ok, i've just woken up in a good mood
so i'm going to continue yest's post like i promised :)

JEAN IS BACK :)
last night i think. when i was asleap
I MISS TALKING TO HER AND THE STUFF ANIMALS
which was the 1st thing we did this morning when we both woke up :)
haha.
dad came in and he was chao amused
oooohhhh, i miss her and my stuff animals so so so so much :)

ha, so yest drills were chao funny
i shall never stand anywhere near qixuan, diana, or shiying anymore
poor olivia wasn't feeling well... haii. then she got a fever halfway and went home
tut tut... told her nt to walk in e rain liao

ok, so i stood beside qixuan
she kept laughing for i duno what crap
and her laugh is chao contagious. seriously
i started laughing for duno what reason too
then valerie started laughing too
and in e end all of us were laughing
and the worst thing is, we didn't even know why we were laughing
hohum. that was so dumb.
we got scolded for laughing -.-
and they asked us why we were laughing
but i didn't even know -.-
some stupid reasons probably... like ppl splashing water everywhere thanks to the wet floor and when we marched we look like dumbdumbs and to make our lines even we started marching sideways and backwards
anw, no one could hlp laughing when we all started marching
its looks so hilarious

well, we did the coin thingy
e one where euu had to kiap e coin to make sure your arms are locked
i used 50 cents cos i didn't haf anything else :(
but thank goodness i didn't drop mine :)
we were like laughing everytime a coin dropped and someone goes, ‘blah blah cents to squad fund'
and ppl wuld go, 'shit shit shit its dropping its dropping'
and everyone wuld start laughing again

and the flamingo book thing!
made my legs ache like xiao
we had to raise 1 leg 90 degrees and put a book on top
I USED MATH TEXTBOOK. DUMB ME
most ppl either used math, geog or chinese
i didn't have any textbook so i borrowed math frm shiying :(
ok, so everytime we dropped e squad had to hunta for 15s
well, many ppl cheated lah. including me :((
my instant reaction was to catch e book when its going to fall and put my foot down
cos the thing is that horh, its nt my book that is falling. its me that are falling
i feel quite bad :(
so we hunta-ed for 1min 45s
which seemed quite okay now :P
after drills my whole body ached like what lah
arms ached frm kiapping e coin, legs ached ALOT frm doing e flamingo thingy and hunta-ing, and even my stomach ached frm trying nt to laugh -.-
i shall never stand near qixuan again x)

even pt was fun :)
we played whacko, double whacko and the tree and squirrel thingy
i didn't like e tree and squirrel one
but whacko was chao fun :)
double whacko was even more :)))
everytime e person gets called both that person and her partner wuld start screaming like i duno what
i found out that diana voice is chao high pitched and she could actually scream :)
and lai sum screamed like, woah
it was seriously hilarious
e most popular name is "SEOW SEOW SEOW". hahaha

its now all windy and cold and wet at my place and i feel like doing anything except studying
i want to go to seletar with jean and dad
but i can't :( i've got to study
ARGHHHHHHHHH
its driving me crazy. i want to go so much
dad will be leaving this friday :(
and of all times he had to come back in term 3 wk 8 and 9
which is prob my busiest weeks. sadly
ooooohhhh.... i really hate mugging
but still, i better get started

i must pass CA5!!!

ooohh... tessa is so sweet... :D
i am liking her and all the other seniors more now, same as she is liking us sec 1s more :)

uhh huhh ... so yest's lessons were quite okay lah
band was quite fun
i felt mean that our sl got scolded cos of us trombone sec 1s nt playing even our b flat scale properly
we practiced. i was horrible. almost all of my notes were quite un-tuned lah. its all out of pitch like shit okay. i am totally tone deaf. and i get very stressed when i start playing. cos nt only do i have to look at those horrible notes, recognize them, process them, rmb their position, blow the correct air speed, rmb to drop your jaw, when to breathe, use air support etc, you still have to make sure your notes are in tuned. and whatever. i get lost chao easily. i gotta move my slide around or look at e tuner and everytime i take my eyes off my score, i get lost immediately lah. dumb me.

i have been rather braindead recently.
i can off my alarm clock without knowing
i can walk to somewhere without knowing how i got there
i get chao luan and confused easily

i have became stupider

today's lessons were ok too
band totally rawked
i miss drills!
we did funny things!
alot alot alot!

i am chao sleepy now okay so i'll tell euu tmr or smth
i am really tired lah
friday euu know! must sleep more!

LISTEN CAREFULLY YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE
I DID NOT START THE FIRE ON THE STRIP HEATER IN THE DNT ROOM
AND DID NOT IN ANY WAY CAUSE THE FIRE TO START EXCEPT TO SWITCH ON THE STUPID HEATER
BELIEVE IT OR NOT
NOW I'M SAYING THIS FOR YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE TO GET YOUR FACTS RIGHT
BUT IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, AND JUST THINK I'M BLUFFING, SO BE IT
I DON'T HAVE SO MUCH TIME TO TRY TO EXPLAIN TO EVERYONE TEDOIUSLY THAT I DID NOT CAUSE THE FIRE IN THE DNT ROOM
I REPEAT, I DID NOT START THE FIRE IN THE DNT ROOM

i got so pissed
i seriously hate false accusations. and i hate mr tay and mr ng who actually suspected me and didn't trust me.
today was chao stressed. don't ask me why
i just felt that way
i was really really just stressed by thinking abt what i had to do over the weekends and what was due on monday.
so its 'forget abt going to seletar' on sat
just when the dad is back too
looking at my diary just gives me this horrible wretching feeling in my stomach
and i'll get all scared and screwed up and just want to cry and run away

actually i'm quite looking forward to band. or at least, band without ms sia. and maybe without the seniors around too -- i feel mean saying this. nt that i hate my seniors or anything but ms sia is always fiercer when the they're around :[ and when we combine with them we've gotta play those chao difficult stuff and ms sia's expectations are like so much higher. and to the senior that tagged, whoever you are, no offence lah :[ and yes, ms sia was nice last tine dring sec 1 combined. but i guess, sadly, that was the past :[
i love those 4 wonderful people, qixuan, olivia, diana and shiying
i always feel happy around them
they make me feel impt
nt like ppl who treat me like shit and take me as their walking stationery shop
i get quite pissed when ppl go like, "JOAN! SCOTCH TAPE!" or "JOAN. I NEED SCISSORS" or whatever. not that i mind lending but will you please show some gratitude, and have some responsibility to return it after taking and everything?
back to it. yeah.
i mean, those 4 wonderful ppl understand and comforts when ms sia scolds and insults. those 4 wonderful ppl are always willing to listen to all my problems and sympathize with me. those 4 wonderful ppl are always there for me whenever i need them and helping me all the time
i simply love those 4 wonderful ppl. they make my life in band happier :]

got back a couple of tests today. i'm chao surprised over e.lit. i wrote total rubbish cos i was rushing and i actually scored like, 9/10? and the last part was all total crap i just threw in whatever i could think of. and jess went like, 'joan did very well' and i was like, 'i did?' i thought i was actually going to fail. and i was also surprised over credit for unsw science which i totally didn't study for and it included bio, which we haven't learnt at that time and my sci totally sucks. and i'm just grateful i passed bio test, and i got full marks for history source based!!! well... most of the class did so i guess it wasn't much of a big deal. made everyone plesantly surprised and much happier.

this part of the post is delicated to someone who i hope is reading this. perhaps she isn't anymore, but i still want to post. and i really hope she does read it.

i'm really sorry for whatever i did last wednesday to make you so pissed with me we haven't talked for a whole week except for pws. perhaps you're just sick of my sucky attitude or gloomy mood, terrible lack of enthusisiam and horrible mood swings. i really don't know. you just seem really sick of me and i suppose you are. i just wanted you to know your significance in my life. ever since last wed, i've been having recess and lunch in loneliness. going to 3rd lang all alone. sitting thru lessons quietly and silently. acting dumb and mute. toning down so much and reducing that little wacky and crazy part of me to nothingness. and so much more that i couldn't really type it all out.
i just wanted to say, we barely exchange more the 10 words a day now. perhaps even none. we sat thru gutair lesson without passing a word to each other except maybe my sorries for kept knocking you. i really miss you deep down inside. i really really do. you're the one that adds life to me in sch. ever since wed, i've been feeling like some kind of walking zombie all thruout e day.
i really miss all the crazy times we had laughing like maniacs together or talking and talking non stop or discussing abt some thing or so. and everything else. i really miss you. i really do.
i might even have to say, i think you've made a greater impact than claudia on me.
i just can't let go.
please stop being angry with me...
i am really sorry
and i seriously miss you. very very much.

back to today
the survey really pissed me off
i tot since they wanted ppl frm special... it must be some kinda survey abt stress and blah
all i got was: do you have sex? do you drink alcohol? do you smoke? do you get into gangfights? do you commit illegal acts? and all other kinda weird questions.
i got really fed up with filling up 'no no no no no no no no'
72 questions. plus they have part 'a, b, c, d, e, f' and blah on certain questions.
i took 45 mins to finish
shading 'no no no no no'
and all other rubbish questions

today i felt horrible
monday: cme project due
jap file check due
jap CA5
many other stuff which i can't really rmb
but i guess the CA5 and file check is enuf to murder me

i really felt funny today
really suicidal
me and denise were joking
i would never survive till sec 4
and when we went up to the sec 4 lvl (the highest yellow one), we were looking over the railings by the bench and woah they were like chao low lah? when i stood in front of it it was like, at my stomach? and we were scared that we would drop down or smth. and scared that when we put our bags at the bench they'll fall down thru e gaps in the railings cos they were kinda big. and when euu look down its very scary. and we were joking that by the time i reached that yellow lvl i wuld prob have thrown myself off the railings cos they were so low and i was kinda tall so i could easily jump over it. oh hahaha. i might just do that.

poon made things worst today by talking abt jap file check and exams over and over
but i don't know why 3rd lang seemed okay today
i wasn't that sleepy. i understood. i passed my 2 tests.
thanks joanne for helping me with ca5 :]

my parents seriously don't understand my life and the sch's curriculum
lets face it, when have they ever did?
i shall elaborate another day. i am seriously tired enough i am prepared to drop down and sleep for 50 yrs like garfield

i should really be getting on my history pw
thanks lydia and minyu for cordinating everything and lydia for collating
i am feeling quite redundant, unresponsive, and irresponsible
thanks for making it better and much easier for me

i'm really tired

today was horribly sucky
i hate my life. i hate myself

today was absolutely foul
in the morning i already had a feeling today was going to be horrible

1st period - english
was rushing to colour math scenerio drawings. kana scolded by mrs kwan. endured lots of sarcasm. somemore i'm e english rep

2nd period - chinese
had to talk about e "父亲的野孩子" thingy in front of e class. i talked complete crap. was trying hard not to add english words but was unsuccessful. kept doing dumb action of wringing my arms when i didn't know how to express what i wanted to say in chinese. my chinese absolutely sucks

3rd period - c.lit
was sleeping through e movie. had horrible neck ache.

4th period -D&T
e strip heater i was using caught fire. mr tay blamed me when it wasn't even my fault. i hate him. i hate him so much.
everything went like this:
i was using the strip heater to make my butterfly feelers
i took e strip i was heating away and bent it
suddenly flames burst out from the middle of the strip heater
we started yelling and mr tay came over and i was standing there looking gormless and shocked
everyone was staring at me and mr tay and mr ng and e strip heater
mr tay and mr ng got very agitated
they kept shouting and shouting. and scolded me for just standing there doing nothing. like what was i supposed to do?
mr tay shouted for me to get water. mr ng shouted not to. thank goodness or the heater would explode and i would be dead
mr tay tried to use wood to beat the flames. mr ng blew out e fire.
mr tay scolded and scolded me
"i trusted you! what happened! what did you do?! how come like that?! did you drop acrylic into the heater?! must have!!! do you know you could have set the whole workshop on fire!?!?! what happened?!?!"
i kept saying, "i didn't. i seriously don't know. how would i know? i didn't. i didn't"
he didn't believe me
i really hate it when ppl false accuse me
later mr ng investigated and found a long acrylic tube inside e heater, which meant it couldn't be me cos i was heating a very thin and short strip.
he couldn't even be bothered to apologize
now the whole world thinks that this joan chan from 1 justice almost set fire to the entire dnt workshop
IT WASN'T MY FAULT
HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL HIM
i was so angry and upset with him

my whole table lamp was ruined
it looks horrible, and the workmanship is even more horrible
i didn't have time to do everything properly

band - scolded, scolded and scolded
and ms sia forgot to bring my bell, so i used diana's old trombone which didn't have a trigger which make me position wrongly alot of times, and nt to mention it kept leaking saliva
ms sia insulted and scolded us trombone Sec 1s today. alot
she kept saying we were horrible, the worst section, absolutely terrible people
she kept us back after Sec 1 combine ended
all the seniors were coming in and she was insulting us like nobody's business
she kept on scolding and scolding and scolding
esp to diana. poor her
she kept saying i sounded horrible
and said qixuan was the worst. poor her too. its nt fair to her cos she was transfered over. and she kept saying she nv practice which is even more unfair cos qixuan is like so hardworking unlike me who always slacks during band pracs
and she kept bullying diana alot alot alot
she even scolded our seniors
when it wasn't even their fault
she's so unreasonable.
scold us if she wants to. why scold the seniors as well. and she scold is nt normal scoldings she insults you like what and say horrible things about you that really make you want to cry
we left the music room gloomily and unhappily.
her scoldings does no effect except made us unhappy and gloomy and in fact, in her presence, we play even worse than we usually do

everything sounds perfectly fine when i'm typing it out here
but its not
today was really horrible
only that i can't find the words to phrase how horrible it was and how foul and unhappy i feel
i'm really bursting to talk

i really can't stand it anymore

i really am tired of trying not to give up

its proven that an average woman talks about 7000 words per day
i think i barly hit 700 words today
which is quite an eye-opener, seeing that me, being a very chatty woman, can talk more than 10000 words in a mere hr of ranting
thats why i'm here, even though i've got a impossible to do math portfolio due and a history test tmr.
i need to talk. badly.

i was very, very loney today
i was quiet all through lessons
bursting to talk and rant and scream but nt being able to
recess was spent sitting alone at the bench by the sec 1 corridor cos zhang man li gave the order to empty and lock up the classrooms during recess
lunch wasn't even lunch. i loitered around, nt being able to sit at my usual lonesome spot in the lounge cos it was barricaded off for e pri 1 balloting. i sat at the lower concourse (is that what euu call it?) finishing up my jap homework. i left for moelc chao early and sat there to rot.
i felt like i'm mute, invisible, deaf and blind, totally like a walking zombie, the entire day.

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT WE'RE SUCKY?
HAVE YOU REALISED THAT ALMOST ALL OF US ARE EITHER SCARED OF EUU OR DISLIKE YOU ALOT?
PERHAPS IT HAD NEVER OCCURED TO EUU THAT YOU SPEND HALF YOUR FRIGGING LIFE THINKING THAT PPL ARE SUCKY THAT YOU HAVE NEVER REALISED THAT PEOPLE THINK THE SAME OF EUU?
ARE YOU SO COLD THAT YOU HAVE TOTALLY NO HEART TO THINK ABOUT THE HURT YOU INFLICT ON US BY SAYING THAT SIMPLE PHRASE 'THEY'RE SUCKY'
WE'VE NEVER SAID BEFORE THAT YOU'RE SUCKY
WE'VE NEVER MADE IT PUBLICISED THAT WE HATE YOU
IN FACT, WE DON'T EVEN HATE YOU. WE JUST HATE YOUR ATTITUDE
DO YOU THINK THAT IF WE HATED YOU, WE WOULD BOTHER GETITNG YOU BIRTHDAY PRESENTS OR BY JUST MINDING ABOUT YOU AND WHAT YOU DO SO MUCH
IF WE HATED YOU WE WOULDN'T EVEN BE GIVING A DAMM ABT YOU SAYING THAT WE'RE SUCKY
BUT WE DO. AND WE'RE HURT. AND DISAPPOINTED. AND UPSET.
PERHAPS YOU SHOULD JUST USE YOUR BRAINS AND THINK ABOUT IT. THERE YOU ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW SUCKY WE ARE WHEN WE'RE TRYING TO MAKE THINGS BETTER AND YOU RESPOND INDIFFERENTLY. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?
AND PERHAPS THAT IN YOUR PERSPECTIVE, EVERYTHING WOULD BE BETTER IF WE DISAPPEARED. BUT YOU'RE WRONG. ITS OUR LIVES THAT WOULD BE BETTER IF YOU DISAPPEARED.
I'VE CHANGED MY MIND. I THOUGHT YOU WE'RE GETTING NICER. I HATE YOU NOW. I HATE YOUR ATTITIDE. AND I KNOW THAT I AM NEVER GOING TO FORGET THAT YOU SAID THAT WE'RE SUCKY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. YOU CAN NEVER CHANGE THE FACT THAT YOU SAID IT, AND EVEN IF YOU TRIED TO MAKE IT UP TO US SOME DONKEY YEARS LATER, IT WON'T DO ANY GOOD COS I HATE YOU I HATE YOU AND AM GOING TO HATE YOU AND NEVER TALK TO YOU UNLESS WHEN ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

i am sad and angry cos i lost $5 and 1 brand new PE shirt.
not to mention the rest of e money i lost, and all those stationery
kanasai

25 sept -- jap end of year oral exam
26 sept -- jap end of year written exam

to hell be with me
i'll be so humilated lah

i'm so scared they'll expel me if i fail my year end
i mean, its all proper and everything, like seating arrangements, even have to go moelc to take it on a certain date and whatever
i am feeling... uncertain
i can't really explain how i'm feeling

i'm feeling murderous, yet suicidal
why must life throw us so many unexpected problems?


i just wish that God would somehow take absolute control over my whole life

i shall just scram and do those absurd truckloads of work

ABSURD MATH SCENERIO
WHAT HAS ISLAMIC ART GOT TO DO WITH DUMB MATH
this is so pissing
we've gotta do research for that stupid scenerio
and draw an islamic art piece?
and its under MATH?
this is so ridiculous
after looking at the questions, i just felt like shredding the papers and pretend that i have never come across smth called the term 3 math scenerio

i am finally done with bio, which was quite a messy business
sorry kmy for nt being able to use your headings cos i duno how to do it for the rest
sorry jess for editing your cover page and changing your font
sorry min for praticaly changing your entire layout

i feel so sleepy + tired + scared
i have serious sunday-going-to-monday blues
i feel scared every sunday
its the back-to-school fear
if i was really rich, i really want to go see a physiatrist
i'm serious

i really feel like going to sleep and forgetting abt math scenerio
tueday: -history test
- c.lit file check
- math scenerio due
- dnt table lamp due

i think i'll never meet the table lamp deadline
there's still so much to do

i am feeling awfully tired

ah wells

i would still like to thank loads and loads of people, but i really can't be bothered to type it out anymore. and for most cases, am too paiseh to type it all out

yest's foc was kinda bad to me
we were discussing abt e korean hostages
and the adults thought we were bored cos we thought they had nth to do with us and we dun really care if they're dead or alive
well, they're wrong
we were bored cos dey kept talking and talking and we kept listening and listening and it seemed rather more like a you talk i listen thing, which is very, very boring

then i took a bus to seletar with sis and walked like, 20mins all e way in
i wuldn't mind so much if it wasn't for the fact that a car would zoom past every 5 secs which forced us to walk in the super long and polky grass and its super noisy and irritating. and i still had to worry about falling into holes in the long grass and hidden snakes or worms.

somehow after bowling, instead of my arms aching like most ppl do, my butt aches instead. and alot
a little weird ah... i oso duno why lidat
but anyway, i was super happy cos for e 1st time, my score hit a 100 !!! :))))))
oh golllyyyyy, that was the 1st time i hit a 3 digit score :)

i miss playing pool at the tavern so so so much!
i think i'm getting better at it :]

i still have 1 more pg of vocab to go! jiayou jiayou...
shall go do that bio minktask and the absurd math scenerio now

today has been a long long longggggggggggg day
i shall talk abt it some other time
i am chao tired now

i still can't stop thinking abt it
what went wrong?
ok, everything always goes wrong for me
changes chiong in like duno what
in a split second
everything is different
and i really don't know how it happened
all i know is, i'm sorry
for approx the past 84 hrs you've been ignoring me except for pws where its necessary to communicate
i miss you so ever much

perhaps i am just that irksome
and maybe you don't even know in almost all my few posts since tuesday, i was talking to euu indirectly all along
i am really confused and miserable
and at the same time, hurt and bitter
i really don't understand

perhaps i always think i understand everything, but i really don't
i don't think i've understood you at all
its pretty saddening
frm that moment everything changed, things were never right again
perhaps i am the sole problem to all these troubles and unhappiness

i've always wondered what would people's reaction be when i die
sadly, i would never know

i just wanted to thank some people
in case someone suddenly decides to drop a bomb on singapore, or the building collapes, or my house catches fire, or someone just came and kiddnapped me, or some mass murderer is in the vicinity... well you get the idea. and my thoughts and feelings and blah wuld never be known.

thanks joanne dearie for always being there for me, encouraging me to do well for my jap CAs and motivating me to study. and answering my every tedious questions during classes, never failing to help me when you could. and partnering me for role plays, and always giving me the easier part cos my jap is simply too sucky. and whispering me the answers everytime poon springs me a impromptu questions. thanks for being such a great jap sitting partner

thanks kai sing and weng chen for always being cheerful and smiley. thanks for motivating me and encouraging me and joking with me abt poon and all and make my life in 3rd lang much happier. thanks for sharing any sweets or whatever with me during lessons. thanks for being such a great jap friend


thanks jane for always being there for me when i'm down. giving me countless hugs. encouraging me that my life is good, but sometimes empathizing with me at the right times. and listening to my grandmother old stories on my horrible life and all my injustice and whatever stupid stuff i like to rant on and on abt.
special thanks to olivia too for being so huggable :]

thanks qixuan for always being there for me, whether in band or out. thanks for accompanying me on mon/wed afternoons when i'm feeling lonely. thanks for empathizing with me during band when ms sia scolds us or is being plain unreasonable or when we are both so luan by all the stuff we have to blow impromptu and grimace at each other. thanks for being so understanding abt everything and thanks for going home with me and eating ice after band pracs :]
special thanks to chiristine too for going home with me

thanks to diana who is my instant cheer up-er and makes me go chao chao high and laugh-y and amused, esp on fridays. i can never sit beside you during band pracs, and even more impossibly, combined. haha i would start laughing my head off, even if i'm in front of ms sia. even when i come to band in a completely foul and grumpy mood you always manage to make me smile/laugh.

and thanks to everyone for putting up with my mood swings and grumpiness and whatever.

its getting late, i'm frigging tired and i still gotta wake up early for church tmr
i shall continue some other day

the jiejie's friend, huiwen, paid us a surprise visit at 11pm
and i wuldn't care at all if it wasn't for the fact that my hair looked like a pile of shit and i was wearing my highly horrible looking sleeping clothes

and she looks like wangling who looks like ms elizabeth lau!
ohmygosh lah
we should assemble all 3 of them someday to take a pic
they'll look like triplets!!

i better go to sleep
tmr morn will be schedue planning + jap chap 10's vocab memorizing!!
how interesting -raise eyebrown-
somehow i feel quite motivated to study jap now

OH DADDY'S HOME.... DADDY'S HOME... TODAYYYYYYYYY

dad's home = chocolate's here
i am so going to get fatter

so me and mum woke up chao early, considering that it was a holiday
and we went to e airport
and waited for a chao long time

i saw a sec 3 band person frm flute sec at e airport!
i think her name is valery
so qiao
but i doubt she knows me so nevermind

dad bought this super cute phone
that looks like an mp3
abt the size of half a bar of chocolate
so teeny and cute
screen is like totally mirror like euu dun even know its a phone
until euu on it
SO COOL AND CUTE
but i still prefer my sony e w850i

and he bought this super huge phone with a super huge screen that can put 2 sim cards
which is useful for him
cos he has a singapore sim card and a dubai sim card
SOOOOO COOL AND INOVATIVE LAH

and both phones are like, so cheap
$170+ and $300+ without plans
and they're SO SO SO SO SO CUTE AND COOL

i went home and studied abit of jap and went to slp
and at 4 i woke up
and we went to seletar cc
dad went to play golf while i went bowling and mum went swimming
i haven't bowled for such a long time my aiming was so sucky
most of it went down the drain
but towards my 3rd game my aiming became better :]]

then we had dinner at the tavern
the menu said: dining by the tavern - countryside charm - beautiful scenery - cool ambience
ok, it didn't
i added in the last 2 bits
but they really ought to add that in
so shiok sitting there in the semi darkness staring out into the green golf course and the starry sky and enjoying the cool breeze and blah

we then took a cab home
$4 extra for booking
daylight robbery man

mum has been complaining that since e gst increase, many stalls and shops have been taking this opportunaty to increase prices by more than that 2%
i agree wholeheartedly
mum could actually be bothered to calculate
like, wow?

i am feeling quite troubled
although i am already done with jap chap 9's vocab, and theres only 2 pgs in chap 10, i can't help worrying abt my file check
i haven't been doing my hw like, duno how many donkey days and weeks and months
and they're going to keep our files until after e sept hols, which means i wun be able to study or file my extra notes and blah
how horrible

and there are loads of pws due this few wks and in term 4, and the major asean chinese pw involving e flyer and 2 posters and lots of chinese
and bio minitask, history stretch coursework
and tests after tests
i am already starting to worry abt e year end reviews
i shall try to be organized and draw up a list of deadlines and work to do and blah
i know i can do it

JOAN CHAN CAN DO IT
I CAN MEET ALL MY PW DEADLINES
PASS ALL MY TESTS BY STUDYING HARD
I WANT TO, AND MUST PASS MY CA5 !!!!!

i shall start being organized and hardworking

I SERIOUSLY NEED HELP
HOW DO YOU RESIZE PHOTOS?????
GAWD. HOW DUMB CAN I GET

i can't upload a thoudand photos on friendster cos they're all too big :[[[

and in e 1st place, why do photos haf different sizes?

i noticed something that made my heart sink down and down and way way down
why did it become like that?

are you still ever reading my blog anymore?
i seriously don't understand
perhaps i upsetted you over 西游记
or over the fact that i am just plain irksome
but still, i miss you alot alot alot truckloads and bucketfuls
do you?
i seriously do hope to be the best of friends with you again, like we used to be
and talk to you like the times we did and laughing like maniacs and loonies
but i don't know how
i am seriously confused

i really do wish for things to be the same ever again
will you just do this for me?

i've just learnt smth impt
think before euu speak (or act)
一言既出,四马难追
su lao shi's words of wisdom has finally penetrated

on the not-very-much brighter side, at least we are still on speaking terms due to the many pws we have

i haven't gotten much headway on jap today
am so sleepy and disguested with myself
gotta wake up super early tmr to pick dad up at the airport
i shall go to sleep

please dearie, stop being angry with me

i got so excited when she msn-ed me
but in the end it was only abt project
she didn't even stay long enuf for me to ask her the vital question
the one i had been surpressing for a very very long time
the longing for the answer, no matter how obvious it was, and the explanation is so strong
i won't give up
i can't put aside the fact that i still miss her alot and however mushy and les this might sound, i love her as a friend
i want to talk to her, abt my worries and troubles and all those interesting things and encounters so so badly
i won't drop it just like that

i shall go full force on jap
must memorize vocabs by today!!
what's more troubling is the numerous pw deadlines and jap file check
this is driving me crazy

i am seriously troubled
i must must must must pass CA5
and show poon what i am made of
thanks joanne for the encouragement :]]

dad will be back tmr! ：]]]
wouldn't it be better if he could come back permantly?

my ear still hurts and my earhole is enlarged!

i hate it alot when ppl false accuse me
i've had enuf. seriously
just shut your big mouth and wash out those sarcsm with soap if you don't know me and don't even know what you are talking abt

whoohooo. i've just been reading up on trombones on wiki and found out abt valve trombones!! it looks damm cool man...
i like e trombone :]]

she's never replied
but i still cling onto the hope that she's going to reply soon
but that is almost impossible now
i've never known the reason
all i want is an answer and explanation
is that too much to ask for?
i've given up
almost

i've realised that everyone in this world are plain hypocrites and fakers
even though i hate those ppl like what, perhaps a teeny part of me, or maybe a large part of me, is still a hypocrite.
isn't this ridiculus?
you can never survive in this world without faking and being a hypocrite
and acting like you are nt what you are
i'm scared to face the world
there are sooo sooo many potential fakers and hypocrites
or bootlickers, betrayers, ppl who 笑里藏刀
i really don't know who to trust anymore

i shall bug off and finish up the bio minitask

CA5 format is out! under course info
go take a look, 3rd lang jap peeps :]]
basically it seems okay except that listening compre is changed to reading compre this time
gawd
i never know how to ans those questions in full sentences
and i've gotta revise those question words and vocab all over
and whats more now i'm getting better at listening compre
-sighs-
i think i'll just be okay by revising loads
i've got today, friday, saturday, nxt sat
full days of studying jap
except there's still math portfolio
and all those other hw + hist test on tues
suckyyyyyyyyyyyy

i must work harder!

today was good :]]]

NATIONAL DAY CELEB RAWKED
well... nt quite
but st. nicks celebs does great impacts on me
perhaps its becos of e nice trs, all our sec 姐姐们 and all e primary 妹妹们 that it feels very family-ish.

we were pretty left out cos we were on e field/track
when e rest of e sch was on e spects stands
and we couldn't see much
or do the st. nicks wave properly
or hear clearly what was going on
and was very hot and uncomfortable

but, no complains
perhaps its always like that for sec 1s

then i left for amk hub with claudia, had lunch
then karen came and we went to cathay to watch simpsons
gawd, i miss both of them (though i see clau everyday) so much. haven't really gotten together much since our horrible life in st nicks started
we saw many pri sch friends there :]]
yvonne, ling fang, gilbert tay
and saw lots and lots of st nicks ppl
i even saw 苏老师学堂 ppl
and THE MOVIE WAS WONDERFUL
it was so heartwarming and funny
the part where the son didn't want the father
and the wife left with the kids
i cried when that happened. and lots of other touching part esp all e parts abt e father and son
and e part when e daughter thought that colin (her sweetheart) had died
i can even cry at comedies
how terrible is that?

MY EARS HURT DAMM FRIGGING MUCH !!!!
that's cos i was wearing those kinda earings that is like, this thingy dangling on a long silver chain and half the chain was supposed to go thru eur ear?
nevermind
i kept yanking it out accidently when i combed my hair or blah
i did it twice to my left side and once on my right
and the chain is like rather thick (the necklace type with e metal 'balls') and it hurt so much !!!
it even bled a little
horrible me
i shall not wear those earings ever again

and my feet hurt oso cos i walked around since morn shopping with clau and karen till 7pm in my too small converse shoes
sighs

i am becoming dangerously broke
- groans -

dad is coming back in 2 days ! :]]]

have you forgotten me already?
i'm still waiting for your reply...

my life is getting suckier with every word i type

xi you ji didn't went particularly well
other classes were damm good
me and sarah watched uneasily cos we were supposed to be at band -shakes head-

band was very slack as usual
i learnt how to play the 1st 2 songs of sousa though very suckily
and i haven't learnt the last part of spartans yet
horrible me
sia wasn't here
i didn't haf a taste of what mr choy was like cos i came just when sec 1 combine ended

i wasted time and money travelling to hougang mall to get some stuff to find that i was nt available anymore
sighs

i was quite sad today
don't ask. i won't comment anymore
i just hope that it'll get better soon
and things will be the same as before

i am chao excited abt national day
except my white hairclip is too loose to hold up my hair cos i guess my hair is simply too oily -groans-
so i guess its $2 wasted
i fell in love with a butterfly hairclip that cost $2.50
shall get it someday :]

might be going out wif e pri sch friends tmr afternoon :]]]]

i am seriously in need of financial assistance

i shall go to prepare stuff for tmr :]]]

i tell myself every moment of the day, "I MUST BE HAPPY AND CHEERFUL :]]]]]" -grins widely-
i must try to remain positive and strong and everything
perhaps life wuld be less miserable if i keep a happy and clear head

i've found 1 good thing abt today
i got an 85 for my 4th ting xie !!!!
ok, its lousy to euu but its like, heaven to me?
since pri 6 my highest ting xie mark was 70+
since i came to st. nicks my highest was 56
see now why i am so happy over my ting xie :]]]

i think being in a all girls sch + convent (CHIJ) sch does change me alot
i think i'm becoming more feminine
don't laugh -scrowls grumpily-
i'm serious
i'm nt sticking to those huge roundneck tees and baggy jeans anymore
and i'm warming up to slim fit shirts and drop waist jeans when i used to squirm and squiggle uncomfortably in them
and haf changed my perception, 'bigger the better' for shirts, jeans, jackets and blah blah
and everything else
you won't really understand and i really couldn't be bothered to type

and for national day i actually got myself hair accessories :]]
actually, nt really
just red and white rubberbands
i think i'm gonna get those huge clips/kiap kiap thingy used to 'tie' up hair tmr
i don't really fancy putting my hair up in the same way everyday
you must know that since pri sch, i don't think my hair has been in any other way except a ponytail or just down and wild
and with no accessories except black/blue rubberbands, clips, or hairbands
i am indeed a boring person

i am excited abt national day :]]]
it had never been this extravagent in pri sch
hairspray, accessories and all :]]]

i shall go to sleep and finish all those tedious newspaper work tmr morn
and i haf to wrap clarissa's present! -grins at wawa-

today was emo, rotten, horrible... whatever vocab and adjectives you can think of
i started off in e morn feeling rather cheerful
ok yah so something happened/changed
things do happen/change even thru e shortest period of times
i shall refrain abt posting abt it cos knowing i'm a foul and grumpy mood, i'm sure to say emo stuff and offend ppl everywhere again

so zhang man li suddenly announced that we were to peform xi you ji tmr afternoon in front of e hua hui exco
it does affect us alot
it was already such a traumatising piece of info to me, it was even worst off for some others

so then we did the monday-morn lessons (well thats what i call it)
we had to say a adjective that describes ourself and ppl wuld agree or disagree
i said i thought i was emotional and sensitive cos i keep having mood swings and get angry very easily
and many many many ppl agreed
zhang man li nagged and nagged me
blah blah blah
i didn't really listen
my cheerful mood was already wearing off pretty fast

english came and e compre test nearly killed me
i slpt like, 30mins cos i was simply too tired
mrs kwan woke me up to ask me smth
i wasn't quite sure cos i was in a semi conscious mode
thats the thing you must never do
ask me smth when i'm too slpy or just woke up

math came, and was emo again
the senerio came back
28/35
was still quite horrible cos e drawings which i took so long to draw all ended up wrong
and all e stuff i thought was correct were wrong
and all e stuff which i scribbled desperately last min was right
heaven works in weird ways

senerio extension came
deadline: 15 aug
kill me please

so then recess was gone in a series of pws

geog sucked. was just doing workbook
and of cos, studying ting xie last min
i totally gave up
i almost cried
i just sat there trying to process more words until i really couldn't and felt really really tired and that i totally couldn't take it anymore and my whole mind just went a whirl of black and white
i was so sick of trying to do all this rubbish and end up getting rubbish grades and everything. i really don't know how to put all my thoughts into words.
i am so going to fail again

i shall not continue cos i am horribly tired.
and am feeling extremely emo today

i cant't control my emotions
i just let the tears run uncontrollably
it just went on and on
i totally can't stand it anymore

why must you make my life so difficult
i hate it wen ppl make my life worse then it already is
i just want to cry and scream and go on and on

call youself my mother. puhlease do euu even know me at all?
have you ever wondered how i feel? have you ever put yourself in my shoes and spare a thought for me and appreciate and feel grateful that you have me as a daughter?

you were never there when i needed you.
as if i didn't have enuf to worry abt.
and now you mess up my life my doing stupid stuff such as giving away my pe shirts and nt hlping me find the missing one even when i'm already so tied up. and bug me with the stupidest stuff and irritate me just for your own amusement.
i am seriously tired

don't be surprised if i end up in imh someday.
and if i do, rmb to tell her that its all her fault
why must things always turn out horrible?
i'm feeling really lousy
no words can describe it
and you can't help me. and can never, and will never, be able to hlp me.
do you even know how i feel?
do you ever understand?

i am so tired and sick i just want to ring up kmy and cry out my heart and lungs to her instead of starning blankly into the ceiling with the tears flowing silently.

i am feeling suicidal
anyway, will it bother you?
you've never cared abt e process, only the results.

i really don't want to care abt anything anymore.
perhaps i wuld just get a big fat zero for my ting xie
flunk my english compre and set a new record
write total crap in my e.lit passage based
hand in an empty chart for geog
forget abt asean chinese pw totally
pretend that the dog ate up my hist pw

i don't really care abt anything anymore
becos you've never cared abt me

I DON'T LIKE THIS
I HATE MY LIFE IN ST. NICKS
I HATE PROJECTS AFTER PROJECTS, GRADED ASSIGNMENTS, COUNTLESS TESTS WHICH MAKES COMMAN TEST SLOTS TOTALLY POINTLESS, STUDYING AND MUGGING AND TRYING TO SWALLOW THE ENTIRE TEXTBOOK. I HATE THIS. MY BRAIN IS SERIOUSLY SHRINKING. NTH HAS BEEN GOOD SINCE AFTER PSLE AND CAME TO ST. NICKS. I HATE LIFE IN ST. NICKS. I SERIOUSLY HATE IT. I HATE TRYING TO LEARN AND DO STUFF WHICH I HATE. I AM REALLY SICK OF THIS
AND IF I END UP DEAD DUE TO SUICIDAL REASONS, ITS ALL ST. NICKS FAULT
I HATE, NT ST. NICKS, BUT LIFE AND CIRRICULUM OF ST. NICKS
I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS

i'm really scared and confused
i just want to forget abt everything and just go to sleep
but even so, the problems wuld still remain
i'm scared

all those projects, tests and all are really horrible
i really can't handle them
the stress is mounting up

i am seriously scared of deadlines
looking at my student diary already gives me enuf stress
i am seriously sick of this

esp e asean chinese pw we have now
chinese is good enuf to kill me
and in my whole pw grp, no one is expertise in chinese
least of all, me
and when i'm e grp leader somemore
english pws are enuf to kill me
what more, chinese

even worse, japanese
i am getting so sick of it
its totally getting more and more complicating, and there's so much more then just memorizing a bunch of funny words

sometimes, i do feel grateful i live on the ground floor
or else i think i wuld haf thrown myself out of the window a long time ago

i'm seriously sick of this

finishing up yest post...

we didn't play netball :(( we did table tennis instead cos we're gonna haf a test on it on wk 9

band was sec prac with only e sec 1s cos e main band was out practicing for national day. the trombones went hyper again as usual, screaming, bouncing, laughing and blowing like maniacs. esp the laughter. omg i laughed until my stomach ached like crazy man... we were totally hilarious. this is what happens when the seniors and ms sia's nt around =P

smth's going on in class now - looks at my 2 sitting parts
i dowan to talk abt it

TODAY WAS GOOD !!!
i felt super accomplished after geog pw meeting
i was late cos i was rushing e collation this morn cos i was far too sleepy last night to wait for sarah to send me e stuff
nt that i'm blaming her.
i feel good :)))
denise drew the landforms on the board and we cut and pasted stuff and blah
all that's left now is to colour e river and type out e title and blah :)))

then me, nienping and sarah went to hougang mall :))
i got my red blouse !!!!
i am very very happy abt it :)
i am wearing it with jeans cos i cannot be bothered to hunt down a white bottom when i know i wun even be wearing it
sarah bought another red blouse as well :))
and she and nienping got red and white hairspray
i got red and white rubberbands. looking for clips now :)
i am kinda excited abt national day :)

i finally got my giodano jeans changed :))
i think i'm getting fatter
better cut down on those junk

i am quite confused and feeling quite weird now
don't ask me why

do you hate me?
well, i hate you
all of you
I HATE ALL OF YOU. ITS BAD ENUF THAT YOU KEEP DAO-ING ME BUT WHY MUST ALL OF EUU BE SO MEAN
YOU MEANIES I'M GONNA HATE YOU FOR THE REST OF MY PATHETIC LIFE
the feeling of hatred is back
I HATE ALL OF YOU

i shall get to work
am feeling a little depressed abt returning to sch on mon :((

the dad is coming home in 6 days :)

Joan Chan
thirteen'
110594
sngs
1 Justice
snsb trombone

nike sling bag
myuk sling bag
new wallet
bigger pencil case

God
family
friends
sngs
1 Justice 07
1 Justice 07 counsellors
snsb, trombones

Min Yu
Wen Xin
Claudia
6A (rvps) 06'
Jessica
Karen
Jolene

high school musical - breaking free
high school musical - start of something new


high school musical - we're all in this together


michael learns to rock - you took my heart away


death cab for cutie - i will follow you into the dark


the fray - how to save a life


nick cave - where the wild roses grow


barry manilow - can't smile without you