oh nono... i'm feeling tired, confused and fustrated. and perhaps a little pissed.

why?

woke up early in e morn to finish off her present. rush to amk hub. arrived 15mins early and i got a shock when shiying arrived nt long later. and diana did too, with jolene. it made me kinda pissed e way some others have no sense of punctuality. its freaking irritating. and suddenly we received a sms that we were having her birthday celeb at e canteen at 12.15 and it was already 11.25 -.- we ate in a rush and qixuan just arrived after we ate finish. we rushed off to sch in a cab, reached there arnd 12.20 to find that no one had arrived. hurmph.

what a complete waste of $5

and by the time she came band started already.
and then immediately after band she rushed off. which made me waste time rushing her present in e morn since i didn't even get to give it to her. sigh.

i'm pissed.

fustrated over another matter.

and confused over the complexity of life and the human mind.

i love my sect greens. they do help me out and give me alot of fun. shiying cheers me up when i'm unhappy, diana encourages me to pray and read e bible, qixuan listens to my woes and reminds me to save money and olivia acts as the mother hen and takes care of us. yet i do sometimes hate certain things that they do. how can people hate, yet love someone at e same time? well i can. its a weird feeling that prob no one else wuld understand. i'm confused by myself. i don't really like band now cos mostly i'm unhappy during it. i really miss the times where the 5 of us wuld just blow a note and burst out laughing, when we were super zihigh during friday sectionals, jumping singing laughing bouncing and everything. now that we've known each other better over the times that we spent together during band and thru the difficult or happy times we had, we've come to love each other more. yet during this times we've came to look at each other's faults and tend to pinpoint, thus disliking them. i feel really weird that sometimes i love them, yet sometimes i feel the dislike towards them. sigh.

confusion.

no wonder they said children are always the happiest.

i'm just wasting my hols away...

freaking. i am already irritated my my irritable-ness enough and there's now a new thing for me to be irritated about. property agents.
although we've declined them pointedly i think more than a dozen times, they seem to can't resist calling. i feel like screaming into their empty head, "BUG OFF. ALL MY HOUSE HAS TO OFFER IS A COUPLE OF SNAILS, WORMS, RATS, COCKROACHES, LIZARDS AND MORE MORE MORE. PRONE TO BUGLARS, RAPIST, FLASHERS, MURDERERS, LOONIES AND GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE. UNLESS YOU ARE SICK OF YOUR LIFE AND WOULD LIKE TO END IT IN AN EXCITING WAY, LOVE HAVING THE COMPANY OF INTERESTING HOUSEHOLD PESTS OR LOVE EATING ESCARGOTS, GET LOST.

*pissed*

and i suddenly got reminded of joannah's birthday. thus now i am having to rush out her present.

i'm saddened by the fact that i like to handmake prezzies for ppl cos i think its more meaningful and sincere but some people treats it as junk and just toss them aside, thinking that i am just being cheakskate and stingy. sigh ):

on a brighter note, i love mum! she bought me this really really nice jacket which costs $40. it orginally costs $50 but there was a 20% discount. i am so so so happy! (: actually she didn't really buy it. cos she bought this $110 gown and didn't like it, ended up changing it for a $80 gown. so she had to top up and agreed to getting me e jacket! so happy! only worry is that U2 will go on half price sale like they usually do during year end and then i see a nicer jacket there... ): i just love those U2 jackets. but they are freaking exp.. ): and oh i also fell in love with a pair of jeans that i plan to buy after i've saved enough... (:

chatted a little just now with diana on msn abt christianity. that made me doubt my own salvation. sigh. many times i've been provoked into thinking too deep into things, which just causes more confusion. such as the previous teen's. ):

was nice of her to help me out with reading e bible and praying (:
she encouraged me to pray for tongues too... hmm. nt too sure about that one.

got msn-ed by a couple of old pri sch friends lately. made me realised how much things have changed after we all left for our own seperate ways. while people like me and clau wuld use the terms, 'mug. slack. unglam. enthu. zihigh. emo', people who have gone different ways would be saying, 'sia. noob. nia. duh. lame.' and who knows what else... i feel so out of touch with what i would call the neighbourhood-mixed-sch society. and i realised how hard i find to communicate with guys nowadays... perhaps apart from elton. sigh. things abt going to a sap, top and girls sch.

ok crapped enough. on to making presents.

i'm sick of the way i lead my life

i am very irritable. what is e prob with me. i am nt happy during sch days, neither am i happy during hols. i am bored like shit and practically dying.
there are many things to do, but all of them nt to my liking. homework, for example. and packing up my messes and getting things organized.

sigh. irritating

i am actually looking forward to band. though if she comes i will just die. well, at least its a form of excitement *raises eyebrowns*

and things made me more irritated. i don't know why people say we are bonded when we are just so not. well maybe i just have higher expectations.

i am freaing irritable. so i shall nt blog anymore. although i feel like finishing up that unfinished few posts. but i am just feeling too irritable.

i hope people such as e sect greens or 1justicians or my pri sch mates will just start ringing and msg-ing me to go out. i am already sick of e house though its ony e 1st day of hols.

JOAN IS FEELING IRRITABLE

ok i promised to blog but apparently i'm too lazy.

will do so after piano tmr. if i ever survive it. I HAVEN'T PRACTICED. SHIT. stephanie is bombarding me with so many above my standard things i don't know where to start practicing. melodic minors, broken chords arpeggios and chromatics both hands, chord progression. and so many others. sigh.

today was confusing

ok, 2 things to blog about yest.

things before lunch. things after lunch. and then what happened at orchard on thurs.
i shall blog about things after lunch 1st as they're shorter. nt much time left to teen's.

and then i shall leave a post on 1j's blog *sniffs*

played table tennis with kmy after sch... up till arnd 2pm. then we ate lunch and i left for band at arnd 2.45pm. decided to visit e dnt rm to find that mr tay finally fixed my table lamp liao!!! so happy. :) but 1 of the panels dropped out so i gotta go there nxt yr to fix it again ):

then i saw qixuan and shiying and decided to play badminton with them. hot like shit. then we went in for abit of table tennis until all e pros started streaming in and we decided to siam. back to badminton. then we went into e band rm for aircon cos it was too too hot. haha this is bad for the health :S

sectionals wasn't very productive. 1st-ly, e sec3s wern't there. thus, we had totally no self dicipline. sigh :( sec2s went for drills while we did warm ups. then something made me boil and i kinda yelled abit. well perhaps alot. i just really couldn't stand her and her freaking attitude anymore. so what if she's older, who does she think she is? making people follow her orders and do everything for her. i'm nt her personal maid or anything okay. i was just being nice to do her and everyone else a favour to photocopy their scores for them and she gives me this kind of attitude. was it my prob if she lost her scores? still dare to show me attitude. nt as if i lost her scores for her or smth. and when i told her i photocopied extra and put it in the box, she still dared to order me to get them for her. *pissed*

i'm sick of being peace loving all the time. yes, you can snigger. i don't give it a damm. just cos i don't want to spoil our relationship, i just go on pretending all the time that i'm happy and everything is fine. when you really piss me to the limit i raise my voice and then you yell at me for being disrespectful to you. hello, you've gotta start earning your respect. respect others 1st if you want them to respect you. i'm tired of you saying f*** all the time around me and when i tell you nt to say it time and time again, you tell me its perfectly normal and continue saying it. hello, respect other's even if you don't respect yourself can? its time someone knocked some sense into you.

and then diana decided to distract us with her card tricks >:( sec2s came back and started packing the sect. its really clean now :) i love chengmei and joannah ((:

prac a teeny bit more. then the snrs taught us grease where i felt super out. thanks to the stupid fact i was playing 1st. weiping wasn't there, she wasn't there too, she left halfway thru band. so i was left there trying to blow whatever was on that stupid 4 pgs while joannah taught qixuan and chengmei taught diana and shiying cos 2nd and 3rd scores are e same. sigh. i blew till my lips were purple >:(

and i realised how much i hated cut time cos i wuld get chao confused. I HATE CUT TIME >:( why can't they just make it normal, and then put a note that says, 'play twice as fast'. that wuld be so much eaiser to comprehend. this is dumb.

went home with joannah. going home with her was a confusing task. 1st, we decided to take 163. then cos she wanted to go drinks store, we went by st 13 way instead. stuck at ave 4, and we were with qixuan and christine too. then after christine left, we visited macs for fries and sprite. then we decided to be nice and go with qixuan by yio chu kang way. ran after e 1st bus we saw, which turned out to be 268. BAH. i forgot only 76 went to the 86 busstop. then we missed the stop to e mrt, and ended up walking back, to find that we were at e wrong bus stop. blah blah blah blah. ended up walking almost 1km back to the 86 busstop. i felt mean to joannah :( and a realised how safe she was when it comes to crossing e road :D when we were finally there, joannah suddenly wanted to take bus 70 frm e interchange to her grandfather's hse :S so we crossed an overhead just when 86 came. BAH. then we took bus 70, a alighted 1st at yio chu kang road to take 163. sigh. everything wuld be much simpler if we just went to ave 2 to take 163. and what's e worst thing? i was carrying my trombone. yes, cos i realised how much i slacked that day and decided to prac over e weekends till tues. and what's even worse? i brought home my trombone but didn't bring home my scores. BAH.

i thought joannah wuld be angry that i led her the wrong way but she said it was fun getting lost :S
reached home at 8.45pm >:|

my arms were aching by e time i reached home. and my palms are red, sore and blistered, and i bruised my hips by bumping my trombie darling into it continuously. sigh.

so that concludes what happened after lunch yest.
did many things i never dared to do before... hmm... scolding her, for example
haha, i shall post more later :D

and its hard to believe the hols are finally here.
*mixed emotions*

lots of things to blog! too tired! i shall post tomorrow!

my hands are red, sore and blistered

SIGH

i'm happy cos i found a new kind of embroidery thread. better quality. 100% cotton. doesn't entangle easily, doesn't untwine itself. and its longer and cheaper than the one i use now (:

i love that kind of embroidery thread :D

i'm feeling fustrated cos of my messes all over the whole house ): sigh.
must really pack and organize everything during e hols. though its hard to. very very hard. sigh ):
seeing the band room makes me feel like packing up my sect area too. its just so messy
i hate things being messy, but i don't know where to start to clear them.
SIGH
and many many things to buy but no money )):

I'M FUSTRATED!

and there's still holiday homework!

rushing to orchard now. lots of things to do!

byebye! :D

OH NO CLARISSA I AM REALLY SO SO SO EVER SORRY ):

just read some blogs... ah well. shiying if thats what you think about main combined, aren't i in a worse situation?
and i realised how much i would actually miss everyone i've come to known in this long, yet seemingly short year.

i'm going dangerously broke. and there's so so many more things i've gotta buy. sigh

its finally the end of a year of jap. been eventful, tiring, stressful... today was e last lesson, so e remedia ppl got to go back to our class for a supposedly farewell thing but i guess my class is just too cold. we did comprehension (bleugh!) and tongue twisters which i totally suck at. and i got reminded once again of my horrible E8. i told mum i considered dropping but deep inside, i really couldn't bear to... )':

held a farewell party for jess today at e canteen after sch. haha... she was touched. i know i seemed very nonchalant and cold but i will really miss her. and all whom i won't see again in e same class nxt yr too... ): this is saddening.
was quite a sight. haha. we lay out all our food and some parent from the neighbouring table asked if we were setting up a stall :D
and the way we ate was unglam. esp when i was eating oreos :P

ppr's coming back on friday. i think i will really cry when i see my grades cos they just suck. esp when its pulled down so so much my my stupid E8. this is the 1st time i've ever failed... i've always been a happy go lucky person in e past cos there wasn't really much about acad stuff for me to worry about... i've never cried over my grades, or perhaps even worried about them at all. but now everything is just different... ): i'm scared that i'll get a shock this time when i see my ppr. this is e 1st ever time i'm scared to receive back my ppr cos it kinda rounds up e whole sucky year... and i can see what a terrible student i actually am. oh no...

long long day tmr. i've got 4 more friendship bands to tie, 37 letters to write, gifts to get, and 2 special presents to make. nt to mention going to orchard with kmy and i-don't-know-who-else-cos-she-wouldn't-tell-me and then heading to plaza sing to get some stuff i am really in need of. I SERIOUSLY NEED FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE >:(

ah well. i'm really tired.

i hope tmr and friday will be good
afterall, they are the last 2 days of e acad yr ): *sniffs*

I HATE YOU

>:(

and the you is refering to many people

i don't know why i miss you people so much. when no one seems to give a damm about my existance at the gathering. why do i pin on to wistful hopes that something right wuld happen and i'll be able to go when no one even cares about me going or not? i'm really confused. while you people are having fun there, i'm having a once-in-a-lifetime swearing in. which according to most seniors, an extremely impt thing and blah. why does my presense mean nothing to all of you and i make no difference whether you all are happy or sad, when you all are able to make me so unhappy and probably all the way thru swearing in? i don't know why i mean so little to all of you that you won't even make an effort to meet me on the second day. i feel really really hurt deep down. those who i've once considered my bestest friends in e world... actually i mean nothing to them.

why do i always allow that to happen to me? i hate being sensitive, no matter how hard to change e fact dat i am, i can't. i've tried being nonchalant, but that just makes me feel worse and more unhappy. why do i allow others, and things to hurt me so easily?

speaking of this, i hate the way my existance doesn't matter. nothing will change in the world even if i vanish without a trace. no one cares if i'm there or not. even worse, they hate the fact that i am actually there. they can't wait for me to scram and disappear.

i hate myself.

and, I HATE HER. she suddenly announced that we were to clear our lockers and tables and EVERYTHING by TODAY. and i was clearing my locker when we suddenly had to rush off for e.lit drama thing. and then she was like telling me to come back during break to clear my locker. and i said okay. and when i went back during break, SHE THREW AWAY EVERYTHING THAT I LEFT IN MY LOCKER. OH DAMM. so what if she has alot of money? poor folks like me can't afford to re-buy everything okay. ok i admit i've cleared most of e impt stuff and the stuff lying at the bottom was just a pile of debris lying there since the start of term. but SO WHAT? SHE HAS NO RIGHTS TO THROW AWAY ALL MY STUFF. and she threw away my ONLY BATIK PAINTING LEFT. the rest were stolen when i brought them to sch for ipw. DOES SHE KNOW HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO ME? ITS SOMETHING THAT CAN NEVER BE REPLACED. i hate her i hate her I HATE HER SO FREAKING MUCH. OHHHHH I HATE HER!!!

and i'm so so so so so very sorry clarissa i made a muck out of eur phone.
you see, she asked me to help her lock her phone. and i thought she wanted to lock her sim card. so i went to e lock sim card thing and then they asked for a code which no one knew. and the thing is stuck there forever until she phones singtel. I AM SO SO SORRY CLARISSA ):

and i don't know why i hate so easily. i didn't use to be like this. i've seriously changed, alot. i now hate people for so many different reasons. the thing is, i can hate someone but still get along with them perfectly fine. that is, when they don't do the thing i hate. i don't really hate people, just the things they do. does this make sense?

and it takes me such pains to forgive. and i'll probably never ever forget. i've tried forgiving, i seriously did. that time i tried forcing myself to accept it, but then i keep feeling that it is you who don't want it to happen. perhaps the hurt we've caused each other is too deep. i just wanted you to know i seriously tried. but the memories keep refreshing themselves in my head and come back to haunt me. i even tried to write you a eoy letter, to find that i couldn't bring myself to write it. what could i write? "thank you for the happy times we had and lets just forget all the unhappy ones". that i don't think i can ever do. or "i'm sorry for the hurt you've caused me and i've caused you". that wouldn't sound right in a eoy letter. i really don't know. i want it to end, nice and properly. afterall, all grudges should end at the end of e yr. but i don't know how to do it. sigh.

band was a muck.
but at least she wasn't here (:

random note. i must stop my sleepwalking, talking, moving. i do things in my sleep subconciously/unconciously without knowing it and it gives me alot of trouble. biggest and most comman example. i off my alarm clock unknowingly when it rings in e morn.
its my body's natural reaction. something i have no control of.
the problem is, i've gotten so used to it i now do it in my sleep.
thus, i can't wake up.
maybe someday i shall invent a alarm that dumps water on me when it rings :D

i realised how much i've changed...
i shall post abt it another day. freaking tired

i'm beginning to fear the and of e yr and nxt yr

changes. sometimes i like them, but sometimes i don't
but i am one who doesn't excatly adapt easily
and i hate endings.

sigh.

it has truly been a hectic, busy, long eventful blah blah blah year
one part of me wishes it to end, the other part doesn't
i'm confused with myself

why must life be so complex?

i must say, i really hate you

>:(

its gonna be e end of e sch yr soon... how sad. all year i've been wishing this sch year wuld end sooner but now it comes, i realised i can't bear to part with my sec one life. lovely sec 1J despite the more unhappy times. being on e ground floor having a spacious outdoor garden instead of a teeny balcony. walking through the backdoor straight to the playground, hall and canteen. i will miss 1J, both classroom and people ):

and i shall also miss sec 1 combined and being the youngest in e whole sec sect of e sch. swearing in is in approx 36 days. duno whether to be happy or sad... well i don't think i'll even be happy during swearing in cos i'll be missing the cliquey with its wonderful people who are at the other side of e island together. and after swearing in everything's gonna change. no more sec1 combine and sec1 berato and whatsoever. and she's gonna start giving us hell. sigh. and nxt yr there'll be juniors. that i also duno whether to be happy or sad...

nxt yr we're officially sec2s where the sec1s look up to (hopefully). no more being young and innocent, and the time has past where we could relax and enjoy life. well i think it has passed long long ago but haha nxt yr's going to be worse. and it will just continuing worsening until Godknowswhen. sigh. i'll really feeling apprehensive about the future years to come.

i'm really scared of life

talking about the present, there's so many messes to clear up. most of them which i have created for myself. haha. messes in school, messes at home. my sec1 stuff are spewing all over the place in both places. i've gotta now empty the many lockers i've occuiped illegally, my overflowing table, the stuff i pile up all over the floor beside my desk and God knows what more. and at home i've got stuff just simply lying all over the house. sigh. i've bought this huge box to stuff all my sec1 stuff but i think its nt even enough space... i think by the time sec 4 comes i'll have died in a pileup of my books, notes and whatsoever. sighsighsigh. and my room is so so so messy i don't know when will i ever have it properly packed. things stacked... everywhere. thinking about it gives me a headache. why can't i be organized like some people? i don't even know where to start packing. sigh.

and its time to start revising in preparation for nxt yr. i really don't know what i've learnt in sec1, now that i spend time thinking about it. i've been too busy in my mad rush through projects, courseworks, tests and blah blah that i haven't stopped to ponder why am i actually doing all these and what have i actually learnt. i can just curse myself over the fact i can't be more realistic like my sisters whose sec 1,2,3 life passed in a breeze and only start working hard in sec4. isn't that what most people do? afterall, what do you learn in sec 1,2,3 that is useful for later life? sigh. all we want is a cert, a degree. when you come to secondary, teachers tell you to forget all you've learnt in primary. when you go jc, teachers tell you to forget all about secondary. when you go to uni, everything you've learn in the past is all forgotten and all you care about is getting your degree. when you've got your degree, no one gives a damm about anything else except you've got a degree. so why can't we just start working our way towards getting a degree now? life is just so confusing.

i really feel like such a failure. i really don't know what i've learnt this year. come to think of it, practically nothing. i've been too busy chionging and chionging to learn anything. everything i've studied for tests leaks out right after it. all pws i do i refer to textbooks and forget later on. i've done so many tests and projects that i can't even remember why i did them and what were they about. sigh

Joan Chan is a plain loser

its time to get started on revising.

i've got 2 months to clear up the messes i've created. which, come to think of it, is a very very short time. sigh. i shall dedicate part of it to packing my stuff. i think my house is plain hopeless but maybe i could just compile my sec1 stuff and store them away nicely. then the sec 2 stuff will come in... ): i might also tidy up some of the more vital places such as my study table :P and another part will be dedicated to organizing things such as my holiday planner, finance stuff, studying schedue and things i need to buy and stock up on. i am a well known rubbish collector person who stocks up on miscellaneous things :D and then another part is dedicated to STUDYING. sighsigh. especially jap. ): and then there's still BAND. sigh even more. and so so so so so many other things to do in such a short time frame.

unlike the past holidays where i had all the time to clear up my stuff for the year, this year's different
i've got practically a hundred and one more things to do than the past years
this shows how hetic and messy my sec1 life is >:(

thinking of this gives me a splitting headache.

i think my life will just remain a mess until e day i die.

i'm in a huge mess

here i am today. with all the time in the world abit of time cos sis is sleeping and i've gotta prac piano. well it was tough trying to force myself up in the morning but i managed (: went back to sleep a little while after by passing it of as a short nap. haha.

ok, lets start off on wed.

had jap remedia after sch. was sad cos i had to miss the movie and apparently i don't have time on the other days to go watch ): i'm beginning to think band and 3rd lang just don't go hand in hand. maybe its time i gave up.

i loved the remedia teacher so much! she is so so so so much better than poon. well she seemed a little angry cos i forgot to bring my remedia worksheets but she didn't scold but reminded me kindly. and the way she asked questions was not how poon does. poon gives you e feeling she is trying to torture you and pick on you and an answer is a must, whereas this teacher asked kindly and you can say you don't know and she'll teach you nicely. so unlike poon. I LOVE HER TO BITS. i hope i'll get her as my jap tr nxt yr (: and she speaks simple jap during lesson so that you can learn better. and speaks fluent english to help you understand sometimes too. omg i am obsessed with her. and she plays games with us and uses interesting teaching methods. I LOVE HER SO SO MUCH :D

i hope she'll be teaching us nxt remedia too (:

thusday. well colours ceremony was kinda boring, and i stupidly forgot to wear my family tee. and then kmy started dao-ing me and got sad... well actually it was kinda a misunderstanding cos she thought i was dao-ing her ): i should learn to be more sociable! went to the asian civilisation museum. nice place, looked like a palace frm e outside. i saved a place right at the back for kmy (though at that time i thought she was angry with me but it didn't seem nice to sit with denise and leave her alone, and she thought i was angry with her so she sat at the front). so kmy came to the back and i let her sit inside beside denise inside. and then zhangmanli banished me to the front cos very unluckily i was sitting in the middle so when the bus jerked i wuld fly to the front. drats. i felt like telling her, don't worry i've got a chao high inertia, but i don't think that was a good enough arguement for her so i went to the front to sit with chingyan ):

then my whole waterbottle exploded again. thank goodness it was plain water this time. but i swear this time i felt more irritated than ever cos i was already upset before. had to clean up sitting down and everything with so little space. damm. everything was wet and i had a hard time ):

was one of the quietest excursion bus rides i ever had ): and seeing and hearing ppl laugh and have fun made it worse.

then hohum arrived at the museum. i think i was too in my own world. suddenly heard zhangmanli annoucned who doesn't have a group and i stupidly burst out, "张老师我没有组！” drats. don't know what made me say that to her cos normally i wuld have more comman sense. maybe i was just too... upset. cos i still tot kmy was angry at me and i was puzzled why. so then suddenly denise burst out, “他有组！” haha. zhangmanli got super amused and commented that i looked like i hadn't woken up today. lol. i think its becos of that + my family tee prob.

wandered around the museum. was quite dark and i tried to do the worksheets. well ended up handing it in incomplete. then i felt a little giddy cos i was walking round and round without knowing where i was going. sigh

i sat alone on the way back in the bus ):

band was good. she didn't come, so we had sectionals in the classrm. was quite slack. i found out that i can't reach high notes. haha. i want to be in 2nd! not 1st, shiying. well despite what regina said, i still want 2nd (:

i think we slacked really really much. the sec1s might be playing 3 songs out of 6 for the christmas concert. i saw the christmas scores. a joyous holiday, that holiday season and grease. joyous holiday looks okay, holiday season resembles sousa with a mixture of songs, grease looks... not too good. its 4 pgs long -.- but i think it sounds rather good (:

saw the trombone section memories book thingy. i was proud to have my birthday written big and fat on it. hahaha. was cos my birthday was the date of jubilate IV (:

friday.

went to sci centre. our class got split and i ended up doing physics. sigh. on the way there i sat with angelina. i was freaking tired and tried to sleep but she kept talking and talking. haha. then we arrived. went for physics workshop on forces. quite interesting with the experiments and stuff. i think we saw some of it in p6 already though. the boring parts i played bingo with iynhuii and yanlin (: got happy then cos kmy suddenly asked why i was angry. and i was like, 'huh? i thought you was the one who was angry." hahaha. kinda cleared up the misunderstanding. went to auditorium and had a lecture on hurricanes. i seriously liked e audi. it was so cool and steep. i slept through half of the lecture cos the seats were so comfy. :D

went to omni theatre after that to watch a flim on hurricanes. was quite good but made me very giddy.

on the way back, i insisted that i needed to sleep despite angelina pestering me to talk to her :D

drills. yay (: i missed drills
shiying, diana and olivia said they were sick and nt coming. but diana and olivia ended up coming afterall (:
drills was quite funny. me, diana and qixuan stood together and everything we did reminds me of the past the sect greens had together during drills. the time when our lines were so crooked after hanta-ing that qixuan had to hanta sideways. the way i was prone to moving forward that i started hanta-ing backwards. the way we marched was hilarious. the times with simin and ulyssa. that day's drills was good although i sweated like mad cos i was one of the few wearing blouse. haha. cos i hate my pe shirt ): tell me if i should wear size 40 or 38! i seriously need to get rid of my 44 asap. haha.

then we practiced. hmm....

i got a little pissed then. cos st nicks is seriously killing me. everything has to be paid paid and paid. now i have 4 more big things to worry about. squad tee, band uni, band camp and ____ funds. the prob is, i have to pay everything myself. why? if i told mum, 1. she'll suspect me of trying to cheat money out of her and question me like mad and i'll die of exasperation of trying to explain 2. she'll nag me like shit 3. she won't understand anything 4. i still won't get any money. so forget it. try explaining to mum the need of a class tee, squad tee, band camp. even worse, the need to pay money for ___ funds. i'll have to start saving up like mad. many people think that i get alot of allowance but seriously, it isn't enough. try paying for all your expenses ranging from breakfast to dinner to class funds, squad funds and all other funds, your squad tee, family tee and whatever, your stationery, your books and practically everything blah blah blah and you'll know what i mean. i even pay for my own clothes sometimes. bah.

greatest worry is ____. but i'm nt supposed to disclose.

i am very very upset over a matter.
band camp falls on the days of 6A gathering.

i am very very sad. why must it be such a coincidence? spot on. why must God make fun of me time and time again?
i've been looking forward to the 6A gathering/chalet party for such a long long time. for a whole year i've been anticipating it. at the same time, i'm also excited for swearing in and band camp. now i can only attend 1. i won't even enjoy the 1 i attend cos i'll be missing the other.
apparently, band camp is a must. i will miss the 6A-rians so so much. even more, the stayover clique. claudia, michelle, karen, elton, felix, jia han, alicia. I'LL MISS YOU LOADS. until next year in nov will i get to see you all again. our gathering is really really special and precious to me. i remember last year when we planned the whole thing together. the times we spent at the beach. the fun we had during the barbeque. the midnight feast, the time when we stayed up really really late to talk. the tears we had while we missed the teachers and cried over the fact we would never have a chance to make up to them for being so horrible sometimes during lessons. crying over our sad memories together. then laughing ourselves at being stupid cos a chalet gathering was supposed to be happy. I'LL MISS YOU PEOPLE LOADS )':

and this part is specially delicated to claudia. I'LL MISS YOU LOADS TOO ): although we see each other almost everyday at school, times will never be the same. i remember the turtles that we had together and played with in class. i remember the way we played and eat and chat during recess. our suicidal memories were unforgettable. the way we stressed over all our practice papers. the time when we watched rob-b-hood together with the others and cried like shit. the times spent together at beading class, or in 苏老师学堂. still remember the peach tea addiction :D when we went to out together, when we played maple together. i remember the chalet where we raided cheers for snacks and had a midnight feast. i remember your enormous watermelon lollipop (: and sleeping together on the same single bed during chalet. i remember the time we were so absorbed in playing monkey bars at e field until we both got serious blisters. nothing can replace the little time we had together ):

oh no i'm starting to tear

this is for elton. despite the fact that many people think that guys can never be good friends with girls, we are. you are also part of my peach tea addiction :D i remember how we used to wait for each other at the lrt station to walk to sch together. how i used to bug you to go to church. the time we had during odyssey, building the structure together. how you saw me cry when things didn't work out fine. how rumours spreaded about us ): ok we are still good friends, and wuld forever be. stop imaginating things all 6A-rians.

alicia. i remember you and i started off in P3 during the exam period cos i kept having to walk past your desk to get to mine. the times we had after school playing at the playground opposite the school. how we used to go about together in P3. quarrels over claudia and shiting and everything, but all of us still ended up as good friends (:

michelle and karen. i will never forget how we used to be so happy going home together, raiding cheers after school and snacking. another 2 ppl part of my peach tea addiction :D the jokes, the fun, the laughter. i'll miss all of that, esp now when i have to go home alone ):

felix and jiahan. haha i was never too close to both of you but i'll miss you all the same.

oh gosh. i'll miss all of you so so much i think i will really cry like shit remembering all this on band camp night ... )': was seriously considering escaping after swearing in but them i got remided that the gate will be locked and anyway there is no means of me getting to pasir ris in the middle of the night. i could call a cab and risk getting raped and murdered. even if i didn't mum would probably freak out if she knew.

i promise i'll save all my outgoing calls for nov so that i can phone you all at night. and i hope you'll all do the same

until nov 2008.... ):

life seems bleak suddenly ):
i must remain happy at band camp (:

i must not cry

well you'll never understand cos you're not me


well i think i've blogged to much. far to much. and sis is still not awake ):
i shall go out for dinner now.

random note: this post hit 2247 words! :D

God, spare me the misery

i intended to blog loads and loads today but now i decided against it. it shall wait till tomorrow when the inspiration is there and i have all the time i want. and besides, i haven't cut my fingernails.

what has fingernails got to do with blogging loads? ok lemme tell euu. when you don't cut your fingernails, when you type it irritates you with clicking noises and nt to mention it feels uncomfortable. even worse for playing the piano. thus, i haven't practiced in 12 days since my last lesson and i predict that stephanie is going to murder me on sunday. i shall just concentrate on locating the nail clipper tomorrow. have been too lazy to do it for the past few days.

i feel weird, sad and random today

on weekdays when i have to sleep less, i can't.
on weekends when i want to sleep more, i can't too

STUPID SLEEP THING. ALL FOR THE SAKE OF $30

i'm beginning to think it isn't worth sacrificing my sleep for it
i will be very happy to say byebye to it on monday (:

and guess what? now i am feeling quite tired cos its been a long week, though only 4 days and without homework tests and all those nonsense. excursions and band + 3rd lang and all. nt too used to it. for the past 5 weeks i suddenly had alot of free afternoons cos of band/3rd lang stand down. ok now you might be thinking again what has being tired gotta do with what i'm posting. ok the problem is, i can sleep now. but if i sleep now, i will have to wake up at 6.15am tomorrow. which is a very unearthly hour for a saturday. thanks to the maximum 9 hrs of slp rule. oh damm that thing.

oh damm my fingernail prob is bugging me

shall post more tmr when i've finally located the long lost nail clipper

my life is plain misery

don't you just agree that i suck?

God, why must you do this to me?

bleugh

my life stinks
these 2 days have been ultimate boring-ness

asean fair on tues. BORING.
ok, maybe nt e 2nd part. but spend half a day listening to speeches after speeches.

prob based learning today.
wasn't really bad. quite meaningless and boring though

band on tues.

ms sia came but mr choy took e sec1s instead. THANK GOODNESS
and esther fixed my slide using valve oil. i came to a conclusion that i hate slide cream. but i think oiling it only fixes it temporary. well who cares as long as its working (: i rather buy a whole carton of valve oil and use it every band prac than go tell her.

so well, although i really should, i didn't tell her after all. and i'm still alive and kicking.

my trombone met its downfall today. again
it dropped. for the third time, in the hands of another.
and i almost cried

i don't know what else to say

stop testing my patience.

i'm dead beat and going to sleep
its been torture trying to sleep before 10.30pm everyday cos that's e latest i can sleep. just for the sake of hitting at least 6.5hrs ):

I CANNOT BELIEVE TIME PASSES SO FAST AND ITS ONLY 1 MORE DAY TO DOOM. TO BE MORE EXACT, 30 HRS 20 MINS.

OH GOD HELP ME.

HOW AM I GOING TO FACE SIA

lots of things to post but today is e last day and later i have to go to amk hub with mum to meet kmy to pass her newspapers. and so as to nt waste a trip there me and mum decided to go shopping there. i have to finish 2 more 剪报s and then go to amk hub, then come home and start deco-ing. i haven't even thought of my title yet. hurmhhhhh.

I'M DREADING TMR. I WISH THAT I CAN JUST GET STRUCK BY LIGHTNING AND DIE AND SEE GOD IN HEAVEN

JEAN CHAN GOT A BIG FAT CRUMPLER FOR HER BIRTHDAY

I AM SO JEALOUS

LAST YEAR WAS A BIG FAT NIKE BAG, THIS YEAR IS A BIG FAT CRUMPLER

ARGHHHHH

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

bleughhh i am supposed to be doing 剪报s now so that i can go bugis with kmy and maybe sarah tmr

i hate 剪报s >:(

e eldest sis decided to do this test on sleeping thingy for sgh. to put it crudely, be a guniea pig. rules are simple: you wear this stupid sensor thing on your hand like a watch everyday to tet your sleeping habits so you can't cheat. cannot take it off for more than 30mins, must record what time you sleep and wake up and if you take short naps, and you must sleep before 12am daily

drats.

not that it concerns me, but i decided to do it for her for a week, for a small fee of $30

ah well, she made the offer (:

its always good to have spare cash. and besides, i'm going broke.
i don't know where on earth did all my money go ):
and don't forget christmas presents

but always, a little sacrifice is needed.
sleep before 12am everyday. drats. that must be joan chan's famous-est record.
and then i can proudly announce

i slept before 12am for an entire week (:

haha.

and we have to wake up before 9am. which i no problem. the problem is, i must sleep at least 6.5hrs daily and not more than 9 hours

arghhh. there goes my irregular sleeping pattern. having to chiong whatever i have to do to get enough sleep on weekdays and forsaking my hibernating period on fridays to sat.

at least its only a week.
its worth it for the sake of my 30

the mother should just do it, seeing all three of us in e family have really weird sleeping patterns. correction. i don't think there is even a pattern. while the eldest is nocturnal, the second can be happy with a mere 3 hrs of sleep and i who sleeps irreguarly anytime, everywhere. but mum is convinced the sensor thing gives off radiation which will cause her to get cancer. how far fetched.

there is no piano today. lalala~
piano is getting more stressful. tehhhh.
but i still like piano and nice teacher stephanie (:

okok enough crap i must do 剪报 now ):

well i am supposed to be doing 剪报s but apparently up till now i'm still slacking. shit myself. i must start chionging tmr and finish the last 3. and then must do e layout and deco on monday, and finally finish by pasting all e printed words, in courtesy of vanessa koh, on tues morning. and finally it's so long farewell to stupid 剪报s (:

3 more days to DOOM

i totally can't stand your irritable whining and endless complaining anymore

all those faults i've always overlooked
please don't take my silence for granted
its hard to come by

there's a limit to my patience.
which happens to be a very short one

i'm scared of your reaction.

life would be so good now if there wasn't jap remedia, 剪报s to do and tues's band to dread.

i finally know the feeling of awaiting death.

and i'm sick of your attitude

adding on to the misery, my jaw problem is back. i dun dare to open my mouth wide now lest i dislocate my jaw or something. damm. and it indirectly affects my ear when i move it. and my throat irritation is bugging me like what. and everytime i have a throat irritation it irritates my ears and nose too. sigh. too much dust mite around my room. i seriously have a big problem with my entire head.

i can't stand my laptop anymore. its freaking laggy.

games carnival. started off feeling excited and nervous abt table tennis. haven't been playing for a long long time.
arrived at sch. had announcements abt e games carnival. turned out that e whole sch was having. i didn't know that it was such a huge affair.

so then me, kmy, denise, daphne, mayshuen, wanqi and patricia went to table tennis arena. i was quite miffed abt the way things went cos 1. they wern't following proper rules. 2. things were very very messy. there were 9 tables all competiting at e same time and ppl screamed and yelled and walked and sat around like nobody's business. as a result, there wasn't enuf space to move. gah. i swear the next time i shall participate in more games. i was pratically holed up in e tt arena nt being able to go anywhere cos the schedue was so disrupted and everything was so disorganized that we didn't know when we're supposed to play and blah. well then i played 3 matches, i think it was against charity, wisdom and loyalty. paired with daphne for charity and loyalty but paired with kmy for wisdom cos wanqi had to run off halfway for soccer. i lost to wisdom. i think it was really unfair cos we started late. gah. everything was really freaking disorganized. the empires were all missing like what and like we didn't go according to the normal 11-11 rule but we played for fixed time. which is unfair cos some ppl play faster and blah blah. for wisdon's match our empire was missing in e end patricia had to be. cos we started late, ended early. if nt our score wuld have ended up as 10-9 instead of 6-7. RAH. damm pissed. + the person i was playing against was diana and her friend. :S
mr phee kept stressing abt players being missing. for our case in table tennis its more like the empires were missing. *pissed*

after that loyalty, purity, justice and dilligence got into semifinals. i played semi with daphne against dilligence, which turned out to be shiying's friends :S was frigging nervous like shit. like everything was getting so real. i've never sweated so much or got that scared in a tt competition before. duno what happened. maybe last time i didn't give a damm abt rvps and whether i won or lost was my business. but now its like the whole of 1 justice was there rooting for us and screaming and doing kallang wave and blah. like i didn't want to let them down. well we won (: then we had finals which me and daphne didn't play cos we only needed 1 single and 1 double. and in e end 1 JUSTICE WON FOR TABLE TENNIS FINALS! WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS! YAY!
and we won 2ND IN OVERALL. YAY AGAIN!

but, i was disappointed.

i played like shit today. like a thousand times worse than my usual standard. maybe i couldn't stand e ppl screaming and yelling and walking/sitting around. it irked me alot. maybe i was nevous. i think i was fine when i was practicing with mayshuen and wanqi. i kept hitting out and blah during e real match and i even had problem serving. what was wrong with me lah... i feel so pissed with myself.
maybe cos i can't like push myself further cos those ppl that i was playing against was actually my friends. my fellow cohort mates, section mates. i didn't want to seem conceited or show-off. playing the match with ____ irritated me. why are ppl so concerned abt winning? okay maybe i am too, but doesn't she give a damm abt my feelings? why hate ppl who are competitive when you are one yourself?
i can feel the relationship among all of us straining and i'm bursting from keeping all their faults i've always overlooked.


random note.
why are ppl's minds so hard to fathom?

and its funny how i hate the attitudes of sports ppl when i used to be one myself. well, maybe its just cos i hate myself :D

i realised how many ppl or classes do i actually hate. i mean, nt really hate e class or person itself but the things that they do. sigh. i must start trying to look at things frm a different perspective and look at the better side instead.



and _____ have serious attitude problem. i don't like them.

i shall go and do 剪报s now
thanks vanessa koh for helping me print (:

random note: toothache ): i don't dare to go to the dentist... i rather you tell me its just becos my front teeth are growing at an alarmingly fast rate.

feeling nt very accomplished, but fairly satisfied with what i did today.

i woke up in e morning at arnd 7.30 but slacked till 9. yeah. finished 2 more 剪报s before leaving to meet qixuan at amk hub at 1pm.

note: i hate it alot when ppl dun have e very impt sense of punctuality. its very irritating.

and then we shopped arnd. left for j8 at 2.20pm+. went to pasta mania for lunch. yummy baked rice (: i was so happy that for our student discount, the price for both of us went frm $18 to $13. nice. shopped more after lunch. i met elton and felix. envy them loads. they've like lost so much weight? yeah, good for them. and they still seem like best of friends... going home together and all. besides their appearence i think they haven't change much. they made me laugh, as usual. haha. i realised even more things, like how much i have changed. i realised that after coming to sngs i've lost my self esteem and my social skills. i've became more emo and sensitive, and also my patience limit is reduced, temper and anger raised. big changes. sigh. and bad ones too.

ok. went home. been slacking till now (:

in total, i've finished 7 剪报 (:

my plan is to finish the other 3 tmr. send it to vanessa for printing. the other 7 i'll get jean to print it for me (: no i can't anymore. i can't attach it to send to jean there's a stupid error. God decided to fool me again. sigh. i guess i'll have to get vanessa to print all of them. thanks so much vanessa! then i'll deco over e weekends and monday. (:

we're meeting to discuss 6A chalet gathering on sat. i seriously have objections to it. its still like damm early and everything, and the comm is like so big. and its like i don't think anyone gives a damm to my existance there. i dun like it when too much leadership turns into someone being bossy and domineering. yeah claudia and kar, you know who i'm talking abt.

i'm going to slp now. games carnival tmr, damm excited :D

i'm prepared to post loads

so if you're nt interested hearing abt my boring life, i advise you to scram immediately.

lets start from monday

so i missed mum's birthday celeb. all thanks to home econs. i did it until like, 12am and then studied chengyu until 2.30am? great. i hate you. and no offence denise, but kmy is right. you won't understand cos euu wasn't e one who were doing like shit until past midnight, losing precious sleep all becos of this stupid project.

tuesday

shitty day. one of e most horrible days of my life.

starting in e morning. english paper came back. many people were upset. sorry kmy i know i'm terribly bad at comforting people. and then denise fainted cos she didn't eat breakfast. sorry denise too cos i'm also nt good at the aspect of caring openly for people but just wanted euu to know i was praying 4 euu and i cared. yeah. and then g.sim made things worse.

denise then went home. recess time was spent rushing home econs. yeah. and getting more pissed with someone.

c.lit was quite okay. had this competition thingy. i won a bag of m&m thanks to kmy who told me e ans to smth. actually i just tried my luck cos when i raised my hand prepared to give e ans, ppl started whispering and hissing other answers to me. haha. funny sight. i was damm confused and blur and when zhangmanli asked me whats my ans, i went like, "我不知道!我不知道!" rah.

home econs. did presentation. embarrassed myself and blah blah. i specially bought my pentel slicci for e presentation but forgot to show e pens in e end. sigh.

then kmy had a fever. sigh.

band. weiping and chengmei came back. nice of them. discussed squad tee.
then something very very bad happened

my trombone dropped onto e floor

it sounds ok when i'm saying this but you'll never know how i'll feel

i just placed it nicely onto e bench and went down to ask grace ho smth and then suddenly PIANG. i looked up to see a shocked diana and a trombone on e floor and it didn't take me long to realise whose it was. MY DARLING TROMBIE! the slide's damaged it won't slide properly anymore despite us trying to salvage e situation my applying liberal amounts of slide cream. ohmygosh. i wanted to just live with trombie and its damaged slide forever but obviously i can't. i wun be able to play anything. i tried. it made my arm ached like shit cos it was so hard to slide. i am so freaking scared i'm dreading band like shit on tuesday ms sia is coming and e whole band wuld be there i have to go tell ms sia i dropped my trombone and damaged it when i actually didn't cos it just dropped when diana stood up so it wasn't really my fault neither was it hers. i don't know. but i just can't tell ms sia, my trombone just crashed onto e floor for no reason right?

I'M SO SCARED.

i think i'll just die on tues. she'll probably skin me alive or smth. that time she already gave a severe warning when yuanlin dropped her saxaphone. i am dead. no, worse than dead. she wuld prob scold me like Godknowswhat and i will just have to let her scold me. and my poor trombone. i wish that a miricle wuld just happen and my trombie will be fine, alive and kicking on tues. no i'm being stupid its impossible. i am really really scared i don't know how to tell ms sia. oh God help me.

so so scared.

was a really really bad day for me and kmy.

yeah and i realised lots of things that day.

i am very qian 4 bian 3.
yeah. you're not wrong. i know that its a fact. i have a very dao and qian bian look. and i probably am. i'm unfriendly and unsociable, and to many, cold blooded. i don't deny that i'm nt cos i know that thats a fact.
but just wanted you all to know, its just cos i hate being extra. whenever i talk i feel extra. whenever i do something i feel extra. i keep thinking of what people wuld say or think about me if i do this or do that, or get angry with me, thus i do nothing at all. i now this probably irritates lots out there but i really can't help it.

i know i'm horrible at comforting others. i get scared when ppl get emo or cry. or get angry. i don't know. its weird cos i am emo and angry most of e time, yet i don't like people to be cos i'm nt good at comforting others. who am i to tell others to take things easy and chill when i can't do it myself? i don't know. really confused.

i just realised the roots of all my problems. i'm too sensitive.

new perspective from now onwards. i shall try to be as sociable and friendly and helpful as possible. afterall kmy's right, its better to be extra than to do nothing at all than be cold blooded. i can't stop people from saying things. this is the basic facts of life. i shall just do things to my instincts and stop being so sensitive. great.

yeah. and then i went home with qixuan. we were dismissed at like 6pm. so we walked to the shop nearby to get snacks and blah. by the time i reached the 163 bus stop it was arnd 6.20. i waited for 163 like for ages. wisely decided to check my phone for msgs.

5 messages.

all telling me to go vivo city at 7.30pm to celeb mum's birthday

great. i decided to phone jean who confirmed. and there i was just abt to board 163. dumb. and that was like, at 6.40pm. and i was stranded in the middle of yio cho kang road. how clever.

hopped onto 265 again to get to e mrt station. how stupid. if i checked my phone earlier i could have saved a load of trouble. by the time i got to e mrt it was 6.50. rushed to vivo, reaching there at like 7.25. yay (: to find that no one was there yet -.- walked arnd, visited candy empire but i was too broke to buy anything. nt to mention i was starving like mad. why? okay, on monday i had lunch at 5pm. missed dinner thanks to rushing home econs. then on tues i didn't eat breakfast, missed recess cos of rushing home econs again. lunch i ate only peach sago cos i had nt much time. so from monday 5pm onwards, i only ate a pathetic cupcake, peach sago, 1 weeny pack of m&ms and an ice cream. all e way till 8pm on tues night. yay.

i don't like it when ppl dun have sense of punctuality. ):

right. we went to sushi tei. food was quite good. and stop thinking just cos i learn jap i must be able to say everything i see and understand what others are saying.
reached home at 10.30. by that time i felt like dying. cos apparently i only had 3hrs of slp e night before.

ok today.

morning passed smoothly. well maybe not really. g.sim called me to go up to e staffroom to take smth after eng. when i came back to class everyone was gone ): without leaving a note. apparetly i was miffled. i momentary forgot what lesson we were having. 1st i thought it was maths. but i saw maths tbs in class. then i thought maybe mrs soh brought us to have a math trail trial. so i started touring e whole sch -.- then i rmb math was last period, so i thought it was chinese. visited zhangmanli's fave places like ava rm, all e c.studios i know of and library etc. couldn't find anyone. then i came up with a stupid inspiration. i rmb zhangmanli was teaching this stupid lesson on frying eggs and said one day she will ask us to fry eggs or smth like that. and i actually visited e home econs rm -.- then while i was walking arnd there i saw e science lab ans went "SHIT. STUPID ME NOW IS SCIENCE LESSON!" and there, finally i arrived at e mpr (:

recess. well sorry kmy i know you're angry and upset but i'm scared when ppl get emo though i am often emo. cos i'm bad at comforting and you probably know it. sorry ):

music. watched prince of egypt. nice and touching. and there was my fave song, when you believe (:

history. last lesson...
math. last lesson...

was quite sad actually. this whole year i've been wishing and wishing that the year wuld end quickily and the holidays wuld come. but now that lesosns are actually ending i'm sad. i don't want things to change next year. i'll miss all my teachers. nice ms law and how she makes hist lessons interesting. even more, mrs soh. i know i didn't use to like her cos she went to fast and was strict. i rmb the 1st lesson where she was listing all e rules of her lessons and they were like, so much. but i've came to like her after seeing zhangmanli's point. she's a great teacher. she seems cold outside but is actually very warm and caring to all of us. sometimes she's funny and makes us laugh. although she's strict with homework and stuff i know its all for our own good. she's a great leader. she works e hardest of all. i think she's e only sub tr who knows all of our names besides mrs kwan. she even knows our index number. she is such a great teacher and i'll miss her really really much.
and zhangmanli. although she's biased and like to praise herself and compare us with other classes, i know deep inside she cares for us loads. like our studies and when we fall sick. although she might nt be a great teacher but at least she tried hard to help us.
and there's ms lee and her funny geog and music lessons.
i miss mrs kwan too... i regret for nt being nice to her cos she was getting so sarcastic and irritating and boring but i realised that she was really nice. she never did scold us over homework or stuff and did her best to help us, although it wasn't very productive. i miss her really much now that i realised how much she cared.
and ms yee. such a nice chem tr. friendly, helpful and caring. i love her to bits.

sorry for the teachers i left out.

and then i went for 3rd lang.

and realised my jap eoy results

40/100

great. its going into my ppr. a big fat E8.
its going to pull down my final yr results like shit.

its nt like i didn't study. i studied like shit, even harder compared to all my review papers i studied for. i started studying since sept hols. i can't bear to see that all that i have studied didn't produce any results. but i think i did well for my final year paper. which was what pulled me up, CA5 did too. cos i failed CA1,2,3,4. yeah i know you must be thinking i'm very stupid. i think so too. why didn't i spend more time studying for the CA1,2,3,4? they were like, only 2 chapters each? finally till CA5 did i realise the better way to study and format and all and i passed. great. so what if i passed 1 CA? i still failed my final EOY resuls. the one that ends up in your ppr. God help me.

i'm seriously in shock. i knew i was going to fail but when the real thing comes, it hits you like a tornado. perhaps when the real thing hasn't come, you still cling on to the teeny bit of hope that you may pass, although you know jolly well you arn't. but at least there is still a little, no matter how small, bit of hope that a miricle might happen. now the real thing has come there's no hope anymore. i'm seriously... emo now. i studied like shit, how could i have failed? i thought my studying madly i could score in my final paper and salvage my horrible results for the other CAs. then during break, when all my other jap friends were happily celebrating their results, i was sent to remedia class to sit there in a daze instead.

i feel so stupid. this is e first time in my whole life i actually failed something that was going into my ppr. i don't mean tests or what but this is my final mark. something that cannot be salvaged by other test results. the 1st time i ever failed, got an E8. well maybe i should be grateful i didn't get an F9. but i can't help it. remedia. this was e 1st time i had to attend something called remedia. i felt so stupid, cut off from the rest of e sec1s happily having post exam activities, watching movies and having cultural activites and cooking lessons and whatever while for e rest of e lessons at moelc i am stuck having remedia. great.

and i realised another thing.

my existance doesn't really matter much to anyone.

i'm still dreadng tuesday.

if only miricles happen...

damm tired. damm tired. damm tired.

words hurt.

the words kept ringing in my head. replaying itself over and over with malice. the more i remember, the deeper the hurt, the more the hate for myself.

i am one who doesn't always use words or actions as forms of comfort to others. instead i keep it to myself, pray and hope.

i've never thought you would think of me this way.
am i really like that?
i don't know. i don't even know myself

maybe thats the reason why... the reason for so many things.

i realised many things today
things that i rather not know

damm tired and sleepy like shit.

i am really pissed

thats an understatement

"why do you keep letting your friends make use of you?"

i really don't know.

mum and jean have been telling me countless times. but i think i'm just too softhearted.

i don't know what else i can say anymore. i'm sick of this attitude. i can't stand them anymore. so many i'm prepared to scream and shout at, esp over pws, but nt doing so cos they're my friends. so what? friends don't make use of each other. friends don't take each other for granted. what do you treat me as?

i've tolerated for too long i can't stand it anymore.

all the time, asking me to do stuff for you, print stuff like ink is free, asking favours after favours with thankyous that are meaningless and insincere. i'm far too tired i think i'll just snap soon.

friends. what a fake word.

friends don't only summon you when they need your help. friends help you when you're in need instead.

friends don't take you for granted

not only materialistically.
what abt pws. just becos i'm your friend and wun scold euu or anything you all can just sit back and be irresponsible? just becos i'm your friend you can dump all e work to me? just becos i'm your friend you can make excuses and blah blah.

i'm sick of doing pws with irresponsible ppl. which unfortunately happens to me countless times. thank goodness kmy's almost always with me in pws, doing her part and helping me out. if nt i think i wuld just die. i can never forget asean and geog mapwork and so many other pws. those were horrible times i never want to repeat.

and now home econs.

haven't we already drafted out e job allocation properly? why can't you just thank e responsible ppl like kmy who bothers to draw out job allocations for everyone, giving everyone else e easier jobs while doing the harder ones themselves and do your job well. whats e point of doing some crap just to please us? it makes us even more furious. and you've got days, why can't you settle some problems yourselves instead of troubling us like shit? you keep thinking that since we're in charge, we shld be in charged of everything, including jobs you're supposed to do. we've even gotta settle your problems. what kind of nonsense is that?

why can't everyone just do their part, be responsible and everything will just turn out fine?
why can't you just be a little more considerate?

there's so much more i want to say but can't find the words. and i don't have anymore time. i haven't even started studying chengyus. have been doing home econs since 6.30pm and still nt finished yet.
i even missed mum's birthday celeb becos of home econs

there's a limit to my patience. and this limit happens to be a very short one.

even if i am your so called friend.

i hate myself

my chengyu book is still missing. had to run to popular to get another one. $3.40 after discount. what a total waste of my money. GAH. DAMMIT

bad day i guess. mum's karoke friends coming over for a party. its going to be a VERY VERY NOISY one seeing it involves many people and karoke. damm. how am i going to study in peace...

yeah. i walked arnd amk hub and compass pt trying to look for presents with this barcode stuck inside my bag. beeped like crazy everytime i entered a sensored shop. my bag got scanned and checked everytime it happened. i got fed up that i decided to go home without getting anything -.-

and stupid pizza hut decided to train their trainees there when i was eating. they were taught how to clear dishes frm customers. then the stupid supervisor told her two trainees to stand by my table (there wern't many ppl eating considering that it was like 5pm, nt dinner nt lunch) and wait for me to eat finish and clear my dishes. PLEASE. being a very slow eater, i had to munch and chew with 2 ppl observing me waiting to pounce on my dishes e moment i was done. intimidating feel. thus, was sad to say i didn't enjoy my lunch very much. it wasn't excatly peaceful.

i gotta rush home econs today. i've to say honestly, i'm nt pleased with it at all. nope.
why can't some ppl be a little more responsible, do their job well and everyone wuld just be happy?

joan is pissed once again with grp work.

and i haven't settled my 剪报 printing problem.

shit you Joan just go and die and rot and decompose

the feeling of having so many things to do, yet nt able to do anything is so horrible

i have to finish all my 剪报s by wed, meaning by tues night, so that i can get it printed at e sch library.
but i left all my newspaper cuttings in sch.
DAMM

i have to do my math homework
but didn't bring home my graph paper
DAMM

damm me shit me.
i can just start digging my own grave

great time for my printer to conk out
the time when i need it the most
GREAT. with 10 剪报 writeups to print and a enormous home econs pw

shit me and the printer.

NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO

and i hate asking ppl to print stuff for me cos i hate it when ppl ask me to print stuff for them repeatedly. esp when they seem to take it for granted and ask time and time again, and even better, dare to give me attitude.

and i shall officially die tmr trying to rush home to have birthday lunch with mum, dig for birthday presents, rush home econs pw, go for mum's birthday celeb and hlp entertain her many karoke friends and die of deafness, study 70 chengyu's like shit and God knows what else

and 剪报 on friday

AHHHHHHHH

quick post before i gtg scoot off for piano

lots of things to do. after reviews i thought i culd slack and take a break. got a rude shock when i happened to wisely peer into my diary. my 10 剪报s are due this fri. i've only done 5 and don't even mention e deco and presentation. and then there's e 70 成语 test this tues and i can't study at all cos my book is missing. i suspect its in my locker so i gotta check tmr. i do hope its there. and home econs pw is due this tues. damm. thank goodness this thurs is a holiday for me to chiong my 剪报s. but i already promised qixuan to go amk hub and bishan to eat and shop. damm. maybe i'll have to cancel it. so sorry qixuan! and then mum's birthday celeb is tmr and i haven't gotten her a present. damm. jean's present too. i've unwisely offered to foot e bill of our early birthday lunch, which is a total of $37 +. i'm totally broke now.

yeah. back frm piano. didn't have time to finish posting ):
stephanie seemed moody and glum today. nt like her usual self. ):

like i mentioned, i'm extremely busy. and jap is starting again this wed. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me not be in remedia class. although there's already 99% chance of me having to go. ARGHHHHH. why must my jap be so horrible?

i must start working immediately.

i took a long long time to figure out greensleeves. and then trying to write it out in base clef and with the right timing and all. just to find that i had to liquid paper away all the clefs cos i drew treble clefs instead. how dumb. sigh retards wuld always be retards. now my original copy of greensleeves look like shit. i hope it'll be alright after i've photocopied them. but it dioes still look like a big mess. SIGH.

i'm convinced that there's a phone connection prob between me and kmy. my smses disappears halfway sometimes. for many times already. how sad

have yet to find my chengyu book that i misplaced ages ago. damm. i can't bear to waste money buying another one.

still fretting over undone home econs pw.

i have to start working now. its not time to slack yet.

feeling bored and loney at home. again

facing 4 walls is nt fun.
hearing silence is nt fun
doing nth is nt fun

i shall post some pics of e section minus olivia that we took on thursday


diana e zilian :D



diana n shiying



sect greens (:






gloom ):


gosh i look horrible

i must find time to update my friendster photos ):

shall go tackle moutains of work now ):

told myself to be very very positive today

i shall try hard

started off the day with maths. i decided that mrs soh is a very very good teacher. nice and funny. she teaches really well. although maybe a little too fast sometimes, but thats just to keep us up with the syllabus

only had 1 free period then cos of some agreements between mrs soh, ms fazi and the free period relief tr.

then pe. i realised that pe is now less noisy. when we just started playing softball teeball whatever ball we always screamed and yelled like shit. started on proper pitching which isn't that bad after all.

recess

science. watched video.

e.lit. watched video of romeo and juliet. JULIET IS SO SO PRETTY (: and romeo is rather shuai too lah. but e movie abit stupid. ppl dressed in beach hawaiian clothes yelling in shakespearen language. weird sight

chinese. zhangmanli commented abt our chinese essay competition. she mentioned the essay i wrote abt geraldine sim and said quite alot of funny things i didn't really understand. said that my story was good but my 文凭 or whatever was bad. yeah i know my chinese writing sucks like shit. and well just cos she thought i was very frank cos i wrote abt sim. i only wrote that cos at that time i was really really really very angry and pissed at sim for asking me to check eng files and all i could think of was that. started talking abt my ppr and e comments she wrote abt me. crap
then we had a chengyu game thingy. she wuld ask ppl to go up to e board and write. everyone wanted to kill me cos zhangmanli gave me a super easy one, "发扬光大" :S . well i don't think thats a good sign cos e only reason she gave me an easy one is cos she knows my chinese sucks ):

ohno i'm starting to be negative ):

went home with weiting and grace (:

on a more disheartening note, theres alot of things to be done. and i'm currently feeling quite sad and depressed. perhaps i've been facing too many problems lately. well, i think most of e problems exist because of me. maybe i think too much into things. well i should seriously do smth to change my perspective about things and life.

piano tonight. betta go do smth abt my melodic minors.

its time to chill. stop thinking so much, Joan.

problems, problems and more problems

not only do i have to worry about my problems, i've gotta worry abt others's too

was feeling deeply troubled today. the kind of feeling where you want to scream and rant and cry like shit but nt being able to. so many things to say but never finding the right words to express them.

and the return of many review papers did nth to make me feel better

well, i've gotta admit i'm pretty happy over math. except for the fact that i threw marks away cos of e positive/negative stuff. and i actually forgot to do 1 question. how dumb is that?

sciences. well at least i passed everything. but it sure is unfair. the things that i studied for i score badly, the things which i didn't study so much i get better marks. thats plain dumb. i studied like shit for physics and got so low. threw away marks like rubbish. made many calculation errors and stupid acceleration mistake getting the wrong formula. dumb me. and bio which i studied much less and expected to fail i actually didn't. that was plain luck. i'm convinced that i'm good at writing rubbish. i love structured questions. i just dump in a little facts i know and the rest garbage and i score. nice. and i like writing. i'm good at writing nonsense (:

well... at least band made me feel a little better. ms sia didn't come so we were like slacking. went at arnd 3 to prac. then we got bored and started writing down the notes for the titanic (: we tried greensleeves but failed ): then we started laming out by taking lots of stupid pics and diana and shiying were doing wacky things :D

but got rather down again while going home. and now.

problems.

when will they ever end?

do you believe in Murphy's Law?

according to this whoever person called Murphy, he says in his Law that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
so you shld nv do anything last min.

i believe in Murphy's Law.

at least it makes more sense than Newton and his complicating laws of gravity.

i finished doing e art pw cover pg and ingredient list for ice kachang at e last min
suddenly my printer went out of ink
LUCKILY i had kept extras. took out an ink cartridge and loaded it into e printer.

printer went...

"zzzzzzzzz....." (normal reaction)
"TIAK TIAK TIAK"
"printer are you okay?"
"TOK TOK TOK TOK"
"BRRRRRMMM"
joan gets impatient
"bang bang" taps gently on printer
"BROOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM PIAKKKKPRRRRRIAAKKKKKKKBRPPPPPPPPPP GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAHHHHHHHHRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH"

i got damm scared and tore out of the bomb shelter
after awhile the deafending noise stopped
but the printer had conked out -.-

great job Joan
why do you keep making a muck out of simple things?

my poor 5 yr old printer is finally dead
i might consider getting a printer-scanner after this
i think my scanner is going haywire too

thank goodness boon came along and helped me print (:
if nt i wuld be dead meat tmr

stupid pws. stupid ice kachang. cause so many problems
kmy! dun feel so upset lah...
i reconize your contributions and effort (:

i must go to sleep now

why is life so unfair?

the tumour turned out to be cancerous

3 more months.
even with radiology, 5 more months

i can't understand why. why is God so unfair towards some?

behind my mother's calm manner, i could tell that she was extremely upset.

and behind my indifferent words, the emotions were whirling inside me


and speaking of my own life.
i can hardly stand it anymore
she's never dressed appropriately. bottom to high, top to low. puhlease. this is a school for heaven's sake.
lessons were nt bad, though tried very hard nt to fall asleap.

life is seriously unfair.
got back our hist paper today
25/40
while some ppl only studied in e morning just before e test, they could get so high marks. when others study like shit until they start crying and screaming and get totally conked up they get shitty marks. like me
with jap oral and paper and geog that wk, and coming hme at 7.30pm e day before e hist review, i had to study and cram like total shit and mug like my life depended on it and threw away hours of precious sleep.
and i ended up with shit marks
isn't life plain unfair?

stayed back after school till 5 to do some work.

random note. Joan loves understanding people
i hope i didn't hurt anyone with my harsh words and cold attitude today.

trashed with lots of pws now

still stressed like shit

this is how horrible life is

eventful day

well reviews are finally over and cca is back. i think i wun do well for bio but well what is done is already done. i guess the end of reviews doesn't make much of a difference i'm still as tied up as usual except maybe for jap. well i can't wait for e hols now. heehee

i went all kee siao yest nite after trying to study for bio, laughing like a retard and squealing, 'I'M SO EXCITED AT THE PROSPECT OF HAVING ANOTHER CHANCE TO PULL UP MY HORRIBLE SCIENCE GRADES TOMORROW!!!"

english was shit today
well its becoming mutual hate now. but i think the intensity of my hate is worse. well i really can't stand her anymore. arghhhh. anw, its byebye on wk 5 (: lets just hope we wun see her on enrichment weeks too

chinese was doing this frying egg thingy

70 成语s to learn by nxt tues
God bless me

i was pratically sleeping during c.lit
ever tried wanting so so badly to sleep, your eyelids heavy and dragging downwards, yet nt being able to. its torturous. extremely.

band! i miss band. whee
i thot sia was going to come so i skipped lunch to go prac, to find out that sia wasn't coming. we prac till 3.45 and then went to e mep rm to try on band uniforms. it took a whole 2.5 hrs.

i look like a total toot in it
but the trying was fun. and funny

random note. my mum just bought this box of FANTABULOUSLY DELICIOUS blueberry and macadamia nuts cookies frm The Cookie Museum in explanade. which are SUGAR FREE, NO EGGS, NO COLOURING, FLAVOURING OR PRESERVATIVES. damm healthy. and DELICIOUS. but EXPENSIVE too! $30 for 500g! but it is so DELICIOUS DELICIOUS DELICIOUS! OMG I AM SO IN LOVE WITH IT!

i wan go finish my math hw and go to sleep

frigging sleepy.....

talking to kmy makes me happy (:

Joan Chan
thirteen'
110594
sngs
1 Justice
snsb trombone

nike sling bag
myuk sling bag
new wallet
bigger pencil case

God
family
friends
sngs
1 Justice 07
1 Justice 07 counsellors
snsb, trombones

Min Yu
Wen Xin
Claudia
6A (rvps) 06'
Jessica
Karen
Jolene

high school musical - breaking free
high school musical - start of something new


high school musical - we're all in this together


michael learns to rock - you took my heart away


death cab for cutie - i will follow you into the dark


the fray - how to save a life


nick cave - where the wild roses grow


barry manilow - can't smile without you