despite how busy i am, i have to post this

i feel like banging my head into e wall now. nt that i need any additional physical pain

today had been a total wreck. i'll post more after my sciences.

well now i'm struggling with physics and chem. i'm going crazy. my printers going out of ink after printing tons of physics notes. and then TADAH when i start revising i realised that half the notes i printed were already in my sci file. GREAT JOB JOAN WHAT A GOOD USE OF NATURAL RESOURCES. well you should just hang yourself and go die. before that, go apologize to the trees.

i'm going totally insane

i can forget abt sleeping tonight

damm my internet's history has been cleared unknowingly and now all my web adderess are gone cos i can't depend on my terrible memory to remember them. shit.

i'm feeling a deep sense of lost and emptiness.

bored and lonely.

i should get started on studying for sciences

ms yee warned that chem will be very hard. and physics is prob my most horrible sub.

i think its time i gave up on jap. i really don't know

jap's post eoy activites start on 10oct.
enrichment wk on wk 6 and 7
hope they'll be fun

i hope band nxt wk wuld be fine too
i'l so going to die cos i haven't prac for 2 whole wks

4 more wks to go.

i can hardly wait

or maybe not

mixed feelings today

was late for sch. again
oh yay. and today, for the 1st time, i was marked late
how terrific
its going into my report bk its gonna be on record i am officially dead and my schooling history is tarnished for life
i felt pissed with the stupid cab i called for cos instead of the main lobby which i asked for e cab went somewhere else. if i didn't call a cab i wouldn't been late cos there were cabs at the taxi stand and i was waiting for the stupid called one to arrive. stupid.
but well, i can only blame myself for waking up late. again.
and cab fare cost me $9+. shit i am officially broke now
more impt, my record is tarnished
shit yourself joan just go and die

but thank goodness zhangmanli didn't scold. i think she pitied me for some reasons. well and i think she's rather biased to patricia. she scolded and nagged patricia like shit and kept digging up that issue

anw well ppl who's parents are there to wake them up or fetch them to sch wuld never understand. esp ppl who live near sch. unlike me.

sigh.

but then i was happy becos lessons were good. did construction during math. was fun. did drama during e.lit. was fun too. pe was softball. nt really very good cos now we are starting on pitching which sucks cos my aim sucks my pitching sucks and my fielding sucks. well who cares. but at least wasn't stressful.

then mrs soh took over sci period. good, bio is freaking boring. and since we were doing fun construction, it was perfectly alright. then 2 free periods, did my colour swatches for art. then zhangmanli's period was writing compo. we had this dumb competition and had 8 topics to choose. all topics were good. i decided to write on '我藏在心中的话语' or smth. i think i wrote out of point but who cares. i wrote abt ms geraldine sim. hoho. i got very agitated while writing. x)

yeah, speaking of geraldine sim i am freaking pissed. told me to prepare e files by 2pm. fine she didn't appear. all e way up till 4.30pm the files were still there and i know cos i was in class. right up till the uncle chased us out and locked the door, she still didn't come and the files were still there. just as well i haven't gotten to checking e files yet. in e 1st place i don't even know how to check them. well i really am pissed. stupid and unreasonable. i can't stand it anymore.

i just remembered i have a piece of chocolate toast still in class. drats

ok that was random. i stayed back till 5 to do work and eat. basically, me kmy and wenxin went to canteen to have lunch at 3. chatted and eat and went back to class at arnd 3.45 and wenxin left. did work till 4.30 when uncle chased us out. went to e canteen to do more work and left at 5.
i finished all my math homework! yay!
i can study peacefully for sciences without worries during e weekends (:

after that i went to plaza. wanted to go daiso to get a file and find a box for e sect greens. so yay! i found e box. and another file. but now i regret loads for nt buying another box cos this one seems too shallow. well shall go nxt fri cos there is no band on dat day again (:

i am proud of myself for saving money for binding my books. instead, i put my essensials, irecommand and 3d band books into files. yay! and somemore e files are cheaper than binding. yay! and they are reusuable! yay!
only thing is that e files are too thick. i mean e spine. boo ):
well at least they're cheap and good (:
the box/tray for e sect greens too (: shall get 1 more nxt wk.
thus, i am quite happy (:

i bought 3 small chocolate frm cocca trees after that (:
e salesperson must have thought i was crazy

another random note.

i hate e tuna i bought it is full of oil and yucky i can taste oil and its pukerish and slightly bitter i just feel revolted. i shal never, ever buy that kind of tuna ever again.

whee. i shall go to slack now

ok i didn't went to sleep

but i am happy becos i slacked like shit (:

sorry shiying! still owe euu a bday present! ):

i really must sleep now

the stupid chinese work can wait till tmr morn x)

life makes sport of men

math paper was okay. thankfully. but NO CALCULATOR. but well doing rough working was alright. great.
although i think i'm nt going to score well cos i made alot of mistakes ):

finally i can take a breather. till sciences nxt mon and tues. i shall only start studying on sat and sun. tut tut, bad me. alright. maybe i shall start tmr. but i really need a break today.

i'm feeling awfully sleepy and still owe birthday presents and gotta finish up a chinese ws. but i shall still post lots. i've got alot of feelings, and keeping them to myself will only make me madder than i already am. maybe the reason why i haven't gone totally retarded and insane is becos i don't keep feelings to myself.

ms geraldine sim. i hate her. extremely
please what kind of teacher is she?

ok, i collect all e worksheets which is e normal job of a sub rep. but e prob is, SHE DOESN'T EVER MARK THEM. you know frm wk 1 up till now, all the work that we've done is all lying there neatly stacked and unmarked on her table? its been 3 wks since she arrived and her table is still... just a table. i mean, look at all the tables of the hardworking teachers. and she tells us to do work without marking. this is just a ploy to waste our time. what nonsense

and nt to mention, she didn't appear at all on our 1st el lesson of the term. fine. nt only she didn't come she appeared the nxt day NT EVEN APOLOGISING OR ANYTHING. this is pissing. and you know, the whole of wk 2 she was missing and just gave us some rubbish homework, 1 of which was a graded assignment WHICH SHE DIDN'T EVEN EXPLAIN OR TEACH OR ANYTHING AND JUST DUMPED OUT SOME INSTRUCTIONS FOR US TO WRITE A STUPID THINGY AND HAND IT IN AND ITS GRADED. and nt to mention, 2 more pieces of stupid descriptive essay writing. please. and our EL REVIEW TEST WAS THAT WEEK AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN PREPARE ANYTHING OR TEACH US ANYTHING OR REVISE ANYTHING BEFORE THAT AT ALL. ohhhhhh she boils my blood.

and nt to mention, this is already wk 3 we are still doing descriptive writing. and she didn't even mention anything about our EL review. *pissed pissed pissed* and you know whats next? up till now she doesn't even reconize me as e eng rep and still doesn't know my name. horrible. forget abt e name, she doesn't even reconize me. what kind of a teacher doesn't reconize her own helper?

ok, this is one of the worst. she suddely announced on wed to hand in our el files e nxt day. WHEN SHE DIDN'T EVEN INSTRUCT US ON HOW TO FILE IT. then she changed her mind cos she was too lazy to check e files and just told e 5 chosen ppl to hand in. ok, fine with me. i was thinking, great even better, i don't need to file my stuff in like, 1 day when that day was my jap written paper AND math review was e nxt day. and you know what, nt only she didn't instruct us how to file our new stuff, who's going to check e 5 ppl's files before they're submitted to e sch? ME. MEMEMEMEME WHEN ITS NT EVEN E JOB OF E ENG REP TO CHECK FILES. PLEASE IF THE WHOLE CLASS HAD TO HAND IN AM I GOING TO CHECK 37 FILES? I TELL YOU I HATE MS SIM TO THE END OF THE EARTH I'M GOING TO HATE HER FOR E REST OF MY LIFE. THINKING THAT I CAN TAKE A GOOD BREAK AFTER MATH REVIEW, SHE GIVES ME 5 FILES TO CHECK. WHEN THAT IS HER JOB. AND YOU KNOW WHATS WORSE, NT LIKE SHE DOESN'T HAVE E TIME TO CHECK, I SAW HER AND MR WHATEVER E NEW MALE ENG TR CHATTING AND LAUGHING IN E STAFFROOM WITH NTHING TO DO ON THEIR DESKS. I AM VERY VERY PISSED. THERE I AM COLLECTING HW LIKE SHIT NOW EVEN HAVING TO CHECK FILES AND SHE IS SLACKING AND ENJOYING LIFE. NT EVEN MARKING OUR HOMEWORK. WHAT KIND OF TEACHER IS THIS? THE EVEN BADDER THING IS, WITH A TEACHER NO ONE RESPECTS, NO ONE BOTHERS TO DO THEIR WORK OR HAND IT IN ON TIME. ESP WHEN ITS E SUB REP THAT COLLECTS IT. IN THIS CASE, ME. I CAN'T STAND GERALDINE SIM ANYMORE I HARE HER LIKE SHIT. ARGHHHHHHH

and i haven't touched on e way she acts, dresses and carries herself.

actually there are other things i want to talk about but i am really tired.
shall do so during my 2mth break.

mum promised me a shopping and eating spree e 1st 2 wks cos i am most free those wks, and while pri kids are still in sch.
i'm worried.
thats 1 of the things i want to talk about
maybe tmr

i am going to sleep
byebye

ok i didn't went to sleep

but i am happy becos i slacked like shit (:

sorry shiying! still owe euu a bday present! ):

i really must sleep now

the stupid chinese work can wait till tmr morn x)

i know i shouldn't be blogging and should be studying but i can't help it i'm feeling awfully sick mentally i think i'm nt right esp these few days i keep feeling homesick for no reason i just want to go home snuggle into bed be a kid all over and pretend that everything is fine i feel very very scared i think i'm suffering frm depression as i most of the symptoms of depression tan lee lee listed i'm scared of life i just want everything to be fine but that never happens in school i want to go home so badly my stomach aches of empty longing but when i'm at home i still don't ever feel right i think a chunk of me and my life is missing i'm getting sick and depressed okay joan now shut up get a grip on yourself and get on with life you've got a math review tmr sciences papers nxt wk and home econs ad pw due and on wk 5 you've got your home econs ppr pw and then there's jian baos to be done and then jap classes and band pracs and so so many more things to do joan cmon pick yourself up and move on stop thinking of nonsense of things that cannot happen stop feeling homesick or whatever you're feeling and GET ON WITH LIFE

i'm nt feeling right now

today was indeed weird
well blah blah blah blah blah

gutair test sucked. my strumming produced weird squeaking noises weiting suspected a hamster was hiding in e gutair. i just anyhow just strum strum strum whatever i liked which sounded horrible. okay. well fine i just know i'm gonna get a B. well at least its nt a C. who cares. i've got better things to worry about

example. my jap paper

great. i was falling dead asleap. struggling nt to made it worse. i started making unsightly pen marks and lines and scribbles whatever on my paper cos i was so drowsy and had to take time to liquid it off. after it disappeared i would start scribbling rubbish again. shit myself
and i went to sleep for 5mins before listening started
listening sucked. compo sucked
the compo was, 'my school'. something i never expected cos it was one of e compo topics we wrote about for practice. oh well. i've totally forgotten all i wrote e last time. this time was total freak.

"my school is big"
"my school has a library"
"my classroom is on the 2nd floor"
"i like my teacher. i like my friends. i like my school"

choked full of lame stuff.

running out of stuff to write but nt yet hitting the word limit, i resorted to...
"school hours are 7.30am to 2.30pm, recess is from 10.30am to 11.15am, lunch time is from 2.30pm to 3.30pm, cca hours are 3.30pm to 6.30pm"

-.-

and you know what
God decided to irritate me again
i was sitting happily in e bus on e way home when my darling waterbottle decided to explode, spilling a whole bottleful of milo in my bag.
great. now all my textbooks, pencil cases, umbrella, blah blah are drenched in milo. worst still, me
i was sitting in e bus, putting my bag on my lap cos of nt wanting to dirty the bus (how considerate). milo dripped steadily from my bag, drenching my pinafore, dripping down my legs. how unsightly. if milo was red i would have look like i miscarriaged. how gross
i had to get down the bus to clean up, which took me so long i missed 2 more busses in e process. nt to mention, wasting my busfare.

and when i got hme, instead of jumping straight to study i had to wash my bag and clothes, wipe and blow dry my books and blah blah blah

how terrible

i should be studying. math tmr. then sciences nxt wk. yay. i shall slack and sleep like a pig tmr and only start studying for sciences on fri or sat. nt to mention, mohana's advertistment project. *GROANS*

off to work

and i'm dreading the start of band practices cos by the time they start, it would be 2 whole weeks since i touched my instru. ):

its now 3.30am in the morning

*grins* :D

i am awake trying to cram in more jap

my mind works better early in the morning after some sleep (:

last night, studying like shit, i felt so dead and drained out that when kmy called she thought i had just woken up :S

sadly, i'm getting distracted by the temptation of going to the kitchen to cook myself a decent breakfast for once ): there are frozen waffles, chocolate milk, sausages, cheese, bread, tuna, ritz biscuits, eggs etc etc in the fridge

if you're wondering, no i'm nt so lucky as some ppl out there whose parents prepare breakfast for them.

and its a rare thing to see so many uncooked delicacies in our fridge

ohnonono. i shall do that on saturday. if the food is still frozen and intact

back to studying

i can predict today will be a weird day

jap oral sucked. sucked sucked sucked sucked

passage reading. was so nervous i forgot how to read almost all of the words. FAIL

self intro. hesitated alot. FAIL

question and answer went abit like...

teacher: blah blah blah blah blah?
me: i don't understand. i don't know.
teacher: blah blah blah blah blah?
me: i don't understand! i don't know!
teacher: blah blah blah blah blah?
me: I DON'T UNDERSTAND! I DON'T KNOW!

"what kind of school is st nicholas?"
"st nicholas is a big school"

"do you like your school?"
"yes, i do not like my school"

"where is your school?"
"7.30am to 2.30 pm"

oh shit me. Joan why don't you just go and die.

for the rare questions i understood, i replied rubbish cos i got all my grammar structures mixed up
yeah. and i happily replied my birthday wrongly. mixing up my pronuncation and may got misheared as september. 11th misheard as 22nd. wth. my birthday became sept 21 and the teacher got all excited.

3 down. 2 more to go for this week

anw, hist test sucked too
i got like EVERYTHING except chang an wrong for mapwork
structured questions were shit
mcq was more of guessing game
fill in e blanks was nonsense

"majaphahit empire used wushu as a form of martial arts"
how smart joan

my jaw hurts like shit. can hardly chew hard, yawn or laugh.
i'm scared that it'll be dislocated cos mum keeps scaring me every min of my life my telling me not to open my mouth wide.

"horrible tone! lower your jaw! more support! LOWER YOUR JAWWWWWWW"
i can almost hear sia's voice drilling into my head
7 more days to DOOM

i want to sleep very very badly

shit myself. today was horrible

started off the day feeling depressed and homesick. well, don't ask me why cos i don't understand me myself >:(

went through recess trying to mug and mug last min geog like shit

geog test sucked. everything i studied more for didn't come out, and everything i studied less or didn't study came out. well, its always like that for almost all my tests. what lousy luck i have

and there was this stupid black black picture. and they asked us to identify the thingy. then the nxt part asked what are the advantages and disadvantages. well i first thought of a delta cos thats the only thing e black pic reminded me off. but looking at e part abt advantages and disadvantages, i cleverly wrote

floodplain

6 marks gone. down into the drain where it belongs

well, changes occurs everyday in my life

sadly, i am a person who cannot adapt to changes

its back to the square one. i was rather skeptical about it and to me, it seemed that she still hated me. i can forgive, but i don't think i am ever able to forget. esp through such deep and hurting incidents. the pain kept shooting through me. i'm trying, really hard. but it really seems to be that she still detest me. well i can't do anything about it, just to be more open minded and less petty. Joan, forgive and forget. hate brings about more unhappiness

i was pretty confused. and still am. but i decided to drop it. afterall, i should respect her own privacy over her personal matters. i'll just take it that all of us are tired of all this hate and decided to open up and start all over again. its not a bad thing either. hate and unhappiness is bad for the heart, mind and soul. i guess me and that person would prob never be as happy together as we were, or the three of us will never be like the same before. i'll just hope that person reads this, and i want to tell her, i've stopped hating. please stop hating me too. and lets all just try to be like before. i really miss those times.

i didn't regret my decision nt to pon jap today
it was our last lesson with poon

this part is delicated to poon

thanks poon for teaching us over the past 9 months. all that you know, helping us in every way you could. you were not smiley, neither were you friendly. yet i knew deep down you actually care for us and want the best for us. you taught us well although you were strict and boring. although your words are fierce, sarcastic and sharp, i know that you only meant to teach us. thank you poon. or maybe for once, i shall show some due respect and say, arigato sensei

right. i must mug for hist and work on jap oral now

as i struggled with the math mock paper, i realised that i hadn't absorbed anything abt math into my brain this yr

and all mum can do is to croon about her new skirt

i wonder how will i survive this week. and the next. and next year. and the year after. blah blah

perhaps ii wouldn't even live to see christmas

I'VE HAD ENOUGH STOP GETTING ME TO MUG

so what if its only 2 chapters, weather&climate and rivers. THERE ARE SO MANY SUBTOPICS. STUPID MAPWORK. RAINFALL AND WIND AND TEMPERATURE AND WHATEVER THE RUBBISH. I'VE HAD ENOUGH. I DON'T WANT TO MUG ANYMORE.

ONE AFTER ANOTHER. I'VE HAD ENOUGH

I PASS 1 TEST. ANOTHER ONE COMES. I STRUGGLE TO PASS. I PASS. YET ANOTHER ONE COMES

I'M TIRED OF FIGHTING FOR WHAT I WANT BUT DOESN'T BELONG TO ME

I'M SICK OF THIS

I'VE HAD ENOUGH

I'M BORNED STUPID. WHY SHOULD I STRUGGLE AND STRUGGLE TO MUG AND STUDY EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE LIKE SOME IDIOT FOR THE SAKE FOR MARKS AND GRADES. SO WHAT IF I'M IN SPECIAL, I DON'T BELONG THERE AND I SHOULD BE BOOTED TO NORMAL TECH. STOP MAKING ME STRUGGLE LIKE SHIT. THATS NOT THE LIFE I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE. I'M STUPID AND I SHOULDN'T BE IN ST NICKS WITH ALL THE CLEVER PEOPLE. I HAVE NO RIGHTS TO TAKE 3RD LANG AND SHOULD BE KICKED OUT. I DON'T BELONG HERE.

I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT FOR ANYTHING ANYMORE

i'm really tired

WHEEEEEEEEEEEE

i love people who make my day by being nice

and oh ya. random note. thanks vanessa, erica, nienping and sarah for the lovely belated birthday present (:

and i haven't thanked kmy for her cute eyeore jar (:

and claudia for her big fat sotong (:

GO JOAN! MUG MUG MUG!

OH NO JOAN CHAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING !!!

YOU SHOULD BE MUGGING! NOT GAMING !

WHY ARE YOU BACK TO ICY TOWER AND MAPLESTORY !!!!

NO JOAN! NOT UNTIL THE 29 OF OCTOBER

oh nonono... i miss maplestory so so much i'm back to it
i don't know what made me redownload it

OH NO NO NO NO NO

WHAT AM I THINKING !!!

dad always likes to start a convo by commenting on my msn nick

mine currently reads:

JOAN ' SLACKER. ;God, i need you i'm sorry but i don't feel your presence

our convo

anyway, i'm really quite happy now
something someone msged me made my day

back to life. i'm back home frm foc and why arn't i at rvps's lantern fest?

cos dumbdumb me has to stay at home and study like shit

OH MAN. I SO BLOODY WANT TO GO BACK TO RVPS'S LANTERN FEST

worse still, foc today was at aunty helen's hse, directly opposite rvps
i wanted so much to rush over instead of coming home

i wandered around rv mall for awhile rekindling long lost, happy pri sch memories

i realised how much i missed pri sch life. i visited cheers which i so often went to with karen, zann and michelle after sch. i the placed has changed. i saw the shop which me and clau bought our turtles, which we reared in class. i walked along the familar path which we took to the lrt station, where we laughed and joke like bunch of happy retards. i even miss the lrt station and the small kiosk which i bought my constant supply of snacks and would wait for elton there every morn to walk to sch together. i wondered, if i went up to the kiosk uncle and go, 'two bottles of peach tea, please', would he still rmb me?

i miss pri sch life

and do i even have time to go back to rvps anymore?

cny. school
teachers day. school
lantern fest. EXAM/TEST PERIOD. forget abt it
children's day. forget even more abt it. I HAVE A TEST/EXAM
speech day. school
holidays. go there say hello to e building meh

and it'll be like that for e nxt ___ years.

how saddening

lets try to be more positive, stay happy and get into the study mood

hist, geog + jap oral, jap paper, math

4 consecutive tests/exams. phew

i will survive -nods vigorously-

i really don't fancy being alone at home staring blankly at the 4 walls yet again

i'm sick of this

as i struggle to find the words to express myself
i realised that silence was more meaningful

why do some people hate it when another do something to them, yet they are doing that something to others?

kmy suddenly sprung me a question that shocked, and surprised me
a question i wuld never be able to answer

i was overwhelmed by my chinese review results
shocked, shocked and more shocked
i never expected myself to get such a mark

and the only response of ppl is to hate me and think i cheated, or thought i was just plain lucky
luck doesn't come so many times
when will people stop looking down on me?
but anyway, i don't blame them
afterall, i don't read chinese, i don't speak chinese, i don't do chinese assesments, and my chinese sucks
and some even more hardworking ppl out there actually got lower than me
life is unfair, isn't it?
why do i worry when i get low marks, and worry even more when i get high marks?

when will people learn to be more considerate to others feelings?

is it really true that you treat the people that are closer to you worse?
i'm experiecing it more and more

i haven't studied finish what i planned

why can't i just be less slack?

ARGHHHHHH. I'M SICK OF THIS

here i am dying already. instead of helping, ppl add on to my workload. ask me to buy stuff for them, no travel allowance. treats me as a foc vending machine. free printer express, wrapping service etc etc

I'VE HAD ENOUGH

am i valued for my existance or just my tissue paper, scotchtape, stapler, or my manual labour services?

PLEASE SHOW SOME RESPECT FOR ONCE WILL YOU.

and once again, empty promises.
asean. the usual things keep repeating

i'm tired of this

i'm so sleepy and tired, trying hard to clear messes i arn't even responsible for. fixing asean, helping ppl print stuff. as usual, at least once a wk someone wuld find me on msn to ask me to hlp them print stuff and tonight, again. banging my head on e wall for forgetting to buy coke for kmy and denise and racking my brains to try to find a way to get it, helping qixuan to wrap her present.

am i forever having to bother about other people's problems in addition to my own?

joan is pissed

isn't it a weird thing how the simplest things can trigger me off nowadays

i hate people who ruin my plans

tomorrow after sch, i shall stay back, barricading myself off in the lounge equipped with books and vitasoy and mug like a mad idiot, letting no one interupt my studying

and i shall nt leave until i have finish mugging my jap vocab up till chapter 10
then i shall head home and revise the grammar structures

and no one shall be able to ruin my plans

when will those ppl learn to be more mature and understanding?

i am feeling rather down now

my plans have been ruined

JOAN! exercise more faith in God!

i am happy, yet unhappy today

i'm really confused. every second of my life i feel history replaying itself. i feel that i'm becoming more and more unlike myself anymore. i rather nt voice out my opinions though they are really bugging me and making me unhappy cos of fear of offending people. i'm really conked up inside with all the mixed emotions i can't show. i'm forced to hang around with people i don't like and forced to smile and laugh like nothings wrong when i'm really unhappy inside. i haven't forgotten how we, you more than me, used to hate her so much. i'm really really confused with the complexity of human minds. i feel compelled to do things i don't want to do. i'm no longer myself, or perhaps i was never.

i remembered this phrase, "do you realise that the people that you're closest too are the people you treat the worst?"
i don't think its true for me
but perhaps, its true to me from others

i'm really, really unhappy inside
yet this is too precious to me to let my unhappiness ruin everything
i'm nt like That Person who can just strut away and pretend we've never known and go our own ways and make new friends and try to be popular and blah blah blah

i can just sit here and watch God work in pretence and silence

is this just life?
and do you realised although sometimes you are actually joking with a person, that person actually gets very hurt when you carry the joke too far?
and every word you say to someone who thinks you are very important to her matters alot and actually stays there in her heart for a long long time?
and your insults, even if they are meant to be a joke, can actually destroy's a person's sense of self worth?

words hurt, words flirt, words kill

and i ought to have more self discipline. i should really study much much harder. although today was free day i still reached home at 7.30 cos i left at 5pm frm e band rm. and i went to amk hub to shop with qixuan and have my dinner. so i never did get to go to chinatown. i must study much much harder.

i should be studying

thanks tessa, once again

yayness for me (: i survived today (:

hell. the jap grades came today. the dumb, long list with all the grades for graded stuff. and gosh i fail pratically everything except my CA5 -.- i'm so going to get an F9 for jap this yr.

i can hear sis trying to play the 'ballade pour adeline' song. i guess she's as obsessed with it as i am. teehee

i've been obsessed with the scores i photocopied frm vanessa and sarah. the secret songs and the nice richard clayderman songs. really nice classical music. very very nice. its been hard prying myself away from the piano x)

i'm feeling quite lighthearted today... perhaps its becos we don't have to study the 50 chengyus for hcl test tmr, and the toughest test this wk (e.lit) is already over

speaking of e.lit, i think i'm going to flunk it. i was writing away for my dear life, and only after for writing for around 5mins did i realised what i was writing had nth to do with the question. i ended up thrushing words onto paper with hardly any thinking just to finish my paper on time. hell. my answers are all nonsense.

busy day tmr... meeting up with the sect greens for self prac, i wanted to lug my instru home but now i decided against it, seeing that i'm going to chinatown after that and anw i wouldn't have the time to practice... shall just pop in now and then for self prac then... definately nt wk 3 though. very busy week... and yes, as i've said, i'll be accompanying qixuan to amk hub after prac to help her pick a present for someone , then i'll head off to chinatown to get those crystals cos i've got to make some presents myself... busy term, busy weeks ahead. lots and lots of ppl's birthdays are up and there comes the rev tests. oh no... ok, then obviously i'll head home to STUDY

jap! 7 more chapters to go! plus a full 11 chapters revision on saturday! -how exciting

mum is forever giving me additional stress
as if i need anymore

can't you ever understand?

i keep telling myself, i must be strong. i must be strong. i must be strong

but sadly, i can never be

i can't stop myself from tearing, i can't stop myself from just sitting there, staring into space with all hope lost, i can't stop myself from wanting to give up

i really don't know whats wrong with me these few days

perhaps its really the lack of that thing i get from people. those people just think i'm just this smart, happy little kid, happy in school, getting good grades, happy at home and everything

its my friends and classmates that really know me best.
its rather dishearting to have to say this. yes, its my friends who know me best. not my mum, nt my dad. nxt to myself, my friends.
its my friends who are there when i'm upset, its my friends who comforts, its my friends who encourages, its my friends who see me cry, its my friends who knows what i want.
even to the teeniest bit, at least they know me.
they understand, they care.

where has the mum gone to?

why does she always seem to care abt the eldest's well being more then the two other dying yonger kids
its the eldest who's most happy, its the eldest who's most carefree, its the eldest's who's most un-stressed
yet whatever the 2 younger ones are doing, she has totally no idea
my rv tests starts this wk, she has no idea
she has no idea i have tests every wk. sometimes even everyday
she has no idea how stressed i am
up till now, she has no idea what i do in school
she has no idea abt anything concerning my life

she has no idea how i feel
she has no idea, nt even the teeniest bit, on how i think

she's the one i spend most time with, yet she's the one who knows me the least

she doesn't know what i want

she doesn't care when i'm stressed like shit
ok, in fact i doubt she even thinks i'm stressed cos to her i'm just a slacker
she doesn't care when i fret abt pws like stupid asean and tests and hw cos to her, i'm just a stupid lazy pig who doesn't study and do hw

she doesn't know me. she doesn't know my life.

sometimes, i ask myself, whats e point of living
there i am, slogging like shit everyday, fretting, tearing, conked up. for what, exactly?
i really don't know.
maybe its just life. maybe i'm just destined to live such a rubbish life like this.

with everyone at home thinking i'm a slacker and a lazy pig who doesn't deserve to be in st nicks. who think i'm lazy, lazy and lazy.
who doesn't know anything abt my real life.
they only think i'm lazy

i'm really really scared all over of reality
full of fakeness
i've just realised fakeness existed in my family too
except in the past, i've just been too naive/stupid/blind to notice it

ok, enough joan
you can't go on like this forever
stop it, pick yourself up and get on with life

be strong, joan
believe in God, believe in yourself

i don't know if i can make it

whatever it is, i'm determined nt to fail any of my review papers and jap EOY

i'm already trying very very hard

i've still got a thousand and one things to study and do. i've decided that i shall just give up on mugging my 50 cheng yus cos its nt listed under e tested topics. i shall just pray hard that they are nt. shall check with zhang man li tmr... now all i have is my literary devices and chapter 11 of jap. got a dumb test tmr. DAMM. i'm trying very hard to mug chap 11's vocab which are very confusing. and there's so many grammar structures! i've got all the different structures in the different lessons mixed up... they shuld categorize the different structures in different chapters in a more systematic order... well whatever. and all those particles are getting on my nerves, i keep getting them wrong. and all those question words too... the problem is that the question words are scattered throughout the chapters... they shld make a list of question words. and i've forgotten about all of what i've studied like hell yest. DAMM ME.

so this wk wuld be devoted to jap, jap and more jap. and of cos a visit to e band rm to pick up my dear trombone. eng, e.lit and hcl tests this wk... hope i'll survive... this wk i'm seriously going to get an overdose of jap, besides classes on mon and wed, i'll have to mug like crazy on tues, thurs and fri. sat wuld be MUGGING LIKE CRAZY WOMAN for jap again... and then sunday wuld be spent mugging for geog, hist and study math. what bad luck, to have 3 of the most mugging-needed subs tests/exam, and the other which is one of my worst subs and the one i need to revise for most on the same week. well... so monday after hist test, wuld have to do some last min rev of jap and geog, and then there will be geog and jap oral on e same day. i think i will just faint before oral. then obviously after oral i must chiong home to study for my JAP PAPER. musn't fail e paper... i'm already going to fail oral... ok then after the paper on wed i must rush home to study MATH like mad mad mad mad. okay, this sounds horrible. friday i shall just go home and rot and die of exhaustion. sat and sun, SERIOUS MUGGING FOR PHY, CHEM AND BIO. phy and bio is hell. ok, bio is less hell cos i've already mugged most of it for e wk 1 bio test. but physics is serious shit cos i haven't understood what mr gan has been talking for the past ___ months, wks, days... whatever, of my freaking life. and worst, those stuff are nt found in the textbook where everything is just printed there for you to mug. ok, good luck to me. after all that, NO, I CAN'T EVEN REST. i have to finish FIVE 剪报s AND DECORATE THOSE NONSENSES. god... then, finally, on the 16th of october, HOLS ARE HERE.

this looks rather bad

you know what's worse?
this coming sat when i'm supposed to be mugging for jap, mum insists on dragging me to this dumb birthday party of her stupid karoke teacher. john woon, he thinks he's some kind of big star where he has to hold such a stupid big birthday party at some kinda hotel with this stupid karoke competition which mum is going to sing. i've looked at her practicing her dancing along with her singing and she seriously looks like a chicken. seeing that she's already the least ah-soh -ish auntie in her class i don't know how the rest are gonna peform. this whole thing wuld be a complete waste of my day and i don't know why my mum insists on dragging me along even though i told her i have to study like shit. just to please her stupid teacher, puhlease. he thinks he's so popular where everyone have to give him face by going to his stupid party when its really none of my business. i'm freaking pissed
and that day is also rvps's lantern fest night. please i rather go to lantern fest than to go to his stupid party, waste of my time and energy. i can't believe after a whole yr of looking forward to rvps's lantern fest, i suddenly backed out becos of stupid jap EOY and all the other freaking tests. even worst, i can't believe that now i'm actually nt going to lantern fest, nt being able to study but actually going to my mum's STUPID SINGING TEACHER'S BIRTHDAY PARTY. God i'm really pissed to the core.

i shan't post any further although i feel like screaming to the whole world how unreasonable this whole thing is and how shit is my life cos i shuld really be doing that stupid hcl mock paper

i'm dying already

i can't stand it anymore. the complexity of the world, the hidden thoughts of people's minds... why must everything be so confusing?
i really shouldn't think anymore, i really should try to go back to the naive/stupid state i used to be, thinking that the world was good and everything was alright.
i really shouldn't get myself involved into the complexity of the world.
everyday, i see new things, i hear new facts. i get shocked, upset, not able to accept the things that are happening right before me. i seek to escape the reality, but the more i hide, the more these things build up and finally, i just explode from the pile-up of facts and problems i've been forever escaping and just crack there and then.
why can't life just be like before?

come to think of it, i think i've changed tremendously just going frm pri to sec sch. my thoughts, my life, my maturity. my perception about things, the way i speak, the way i carry myself, even the way i act. i feel that i've became a totally different person. i used to be really naive, looking only at the surface of things, with simple thinking and believing whatever i see or hear. but now exposed to just a few of the most basic tough facts of life, through struggling in the cruel reality, i've grown. i've matured in the way i handle things, the way i solve problems, the way i get along with life. the way i speak, with hints of depression, yet sometimes with enthusiasm and craze, i think i've developed an inner personality. i'm sometimes like some busy woman, planning schedues and keeping to time. i've got so much problems and feelings to confide, and things and opinions to speak. i carry myself in a different way at home, in school and out. outside i might look like some serious, grown-up person, at home i seem like a total slacker with absolutely no signs of stress to my family. i show myself more in school, now that i'm always out of e hse. most of my anger, my craziness, my unhappiness, my emo-ness are always happening at school. its like, no one will understand me even 50% cos even me don't know myself well, yet i'm the one that knows myself best. i've just changed in almost every aspect, the things i care about, the way i live... everything. i don't know if this is good or bad, but perhaps i've finally got myself exposed to reality.

sadly, i still fail in the aspects of remainding strong and resilient. i still can't help just cracking up sometimes with the overload of stress. and i'm still allowing myself to get hurt each time i face the cruel facts of reality. i really can't get to terms with these things. perhaps i never will, with the thing inside me that resists change. maybe it will remain like this forever. even being exposed to reality, instead of making me stronger its weakening me gradually. from term 1 till now, in term 1 i used to struggle to adapt, sacrificing sleep but now, i think i've almost given up. some people think i'm strong, but sadly i'm definately not. yet those who thought i was weak, they're wrong too. i'm still here, well alive and struggling. things will remain as they are for me, but now that i've seen the tiniest bit of the worst, and know what is going to come up, i'm prepared to leave everything to God, and hoping that things will eventually turn out right for me.

i'm sorry if this post doesn't make much sense to you, but its said right through from the inner part of me so its just normal if you don't understand, cos i don't really understand myself too.

back to the status, i've tried hard to study for jap. its so mentally torturing that although i started studying at the table, i was so agonized that i rolled onto the bed and ended up on the floor.
i'm serious
and yet, nothing much has been able to penetrate
i guess its a day wasted

i don't have much time left

i'm still drowning, yet struggling

everyday of my life, i feel that history is continuously repeating.

i don't know why i never seem to be able to control my emotions. during pe my emotions and anger ran again. while we were playing softball, we were so happy at one moment. shrieking, screaming and laughing like retards cos of the stupid stuff we were doing such as snatching away the home base cone. then later when we had to play a competition, the anger surged and i felt my heart beating furiously. when that person pitched i requested to bat. sorry yuanting if it seems rather rude cos you were the one who was supposed to bat and i kinda just butted in but i really wanted to beat her so badly for once. i got really angry later, not only cos i failed to beat her but i knew i could do much better than that. that person pitched really low and i was unable to bat properly. i just whacked the ball unintentionally. i should have asked her to pitch again, the ball could have flown further if i was more calm and the pitching was better. i dropped e bat and started running like an idiot, i could have ran faster. i felt like cursing myself for mistaking the cones and running a longer distance. i failed to beat her, and i hated myself for it. why am i nt able to this little thing i want to do so badly when she is able to win over me in so many aspects and snatch away all that i have? i hate her attitude, and i hate my own attitude too. why can't i just put aside the hatred. all this nonsense about advising ppl nt to hate, do i have the rights to do so when i myself can't stop hating? i tried, i really tried. but the more i see her doing it, the more i hate her and myself. why can't she just stop inflicting the emotional pain on others? even kimberly feels the hurt when she is always so happy and cheerful about everything else. even now when kmy and i are totally done and over with her, she still likes to hurt us. i hate her, i really hate her so much for all that she's doing, and all the harm she's done. i hate her on the way she bullies others emotionally and try to take away all others have. if she wants it she has to work for it, not snatch and steel like some underhand thief. i hate her attitude, but i hate myself more for letting her do this to so many others and not being able to stop all these from happening. i hate myself for letting others get hurt and cheated like i did before. i don't want history to repeat, more people to get hurt. yet all i can do is to sit there and watch everything happen right before me, hating and getting hurt, but unable to do anything about it. i hate myself for the lack of that thing to just walk up to scold her and tell her to stop all her nonsense, i hate myself for not being able to stop hating. i hate myself for everything

i hate myself for losing it during chinese lessons. there i was, feeling perfectly fine before. i was just so proud of my brochure and poster, until i saw the others. i thought my brochure was going to be the most wonderful brochure around, yet all hope was gone when i saw the other grp's brochure. in fact, ours was the worst. the plainest, the most boring, the one with the worst info. i hated myself for nt making it better. i want it to be as good, or even better, than the other grps. and our poster. i thought the deco was good, i thought the layout was neat. yet when i saw the other grps i knew that yet again, ours is the worst. our posters got criticized like shit by zhang man li. fine, our posters were total rubbish, nt even worthy for her eyes. after all the hard work, the info, the deco, this is what i get. for someone to tell me my poster is shit. FINE. for all i care. i'm sick of this. who says hard work and effort produces results? TOTAL CRAP. sometimes i don't know why i work so hard for all my tests if i just end up failing, my pws if it just gets criticized like rubbish. then zhang man li told us to redo our posters. i just couldn't help myself. i really lost it and let it out. i'm really sick of all thats going on. we have 3 reviews nxt wk, 2 of which it is a must to study for. english is total suck, we have such a eng relief tr who forgot to come for e 1st lesson and talked rubbish the nxt two instead of revising for reviews. for e.lit i have to re-read sing to the dawn, memorize dates, school, countries etc etc for chinese cinderell and study the literary devices, i still have to read through the dumb notes and all. i have to memorize the definations and sentences for 50 成语, do my chinese mock paper. on wk 3 there's hist, geog, jap oral and paper, and maths. which means wk 2 wuld be hell trying to study. i was, and am, really really tired and sick of everything and all the emotions i had been opressing since the very beginning. i just couldn't stop myself and went on and on. as usual, i got severely criticized my zhang man li but i didn't care. i just couldn't help it, everything was too tiring. the emotions i have been opressing unconsiously had found its sudden release. i was really stretched far beyond my stretchable point and just snapped there and then. i felt many people around me with comforting words, i'm really thankful to all who did so, esp kmy and all others. it really meant alot to me. but i just couldn't stop, the more they comforted the more i went on, the more i thought of the cruel reality.

it was when i walked past the sec 2 classes did i see their exam/test schedues written on the boards did i realise, once and for all that the years ahead are going to be much worse. i really don't know how will i survive up till then. i'm already dying now.

i have far too many opressed emotions

i'm close to giving up totally. very close

out of pure randomness, i want to say...

i love my hair

i am chao lethargic today, and perhaps every other day
i don't know what is wrong with me. i haven't been studying, i have been getting average sleeping hrs (my own standard), there isn't an overload of hws or pws. yet i am feeling so so sleepy and dead. there's just something wrong with me. and i keep getting jolts of stomach aches out of nowhere which is not good.

i got scolded in band for something which was totally unknown to me and absolutely unintentional
she said that i was standing out when we were tuning and that i wanted to show off
PLEASE. i didn't even know i was standing out. it was she who kept asking us to push more and more and use more air blow louder. "TROMBONES! LOUDER! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" and when i blow louder like she asked me to there i got accused of trying to show off. *pissed*
and what have i got to show off? my wrong pitch? my horrible tone? and she thinks i like blowing loudly? i blowed loudly and reluctantly and my stomach was hurting like shit. like who would want to blow loudly and risk getting picked out and scolded for being out of tune?
she is just so dumb. she just accuses ppl without even using her brains to think
like how she accused me the other time of many things when qixuan just got transfered
*PISSED*

i seriously need to sleep

i feel dead

i'm bored, yet free
but refusing to do my math hw (due friday) or study for that wretched ting xie

there's smth wrong with me today
while studying ting xie i just fell asleap
i wasted so much time today

i am such a slacker

i don't like e new english teacher, ms sim
she has this really fake sounding accent
long hair and pale face that makes her look scary and vampire-like
and some ppl frm diligence told me that the is pregnant
she does look like it. her tummy's rather curved
ok, theres nth wrong with being pregnant
BUT SHE'S NOT MARRIED
ohmygosh
and she likes to wear ah lian and revealing clothes
e 1st time she wore this really low cut shirt with a huge v cleavage and tight 3/4 jeans with ah lian heals
today she wore this EVEN LOWER CUT dress that covers only HALF of her _____ OHMYGOSH. and it was so short, much higher than knee length. i felt like going up to her and say, 'ms sim, can you wear something more decent the next lesson?'
shouldn't teachers be setting good examples instead of getting themselves pregnant in the wrong way and dressing inappropriately?

ok, thats none of my business how she dresses or looks, and whether she's pregnant or whatever
but her teaching is not good at all
she talks loads of irrevelant stuff
2 whole hours, 2 whole lessons she wasted it on asking us to describe scenery. so cliche and
rubbishy. please, we're doing descriptive writing, not learning how to write good essays with all those cliche phrases which i've always hated
and then she likes to teach as if she's talking to herself
practically no one in class is paying attention

oh.... 1J's english is already bad and now they're dumping us with a teacher even worse teacher
at least mrs kwan teaches well, if we overlook the fact that she's boring
but this teacher is even more boring than mrs kwan
and i have to survive being the eng rep with her for 6 weeks

HELP

I'M BRAINDEAD! I'M BRAINDEAD!

STOP GETTING ME TO MUG

RAHHH

i'm feeling rather depressed today after looking at that stupid review tests (EOY!) schedue
we have like tests after tests crammed in
+ jap EOY
RAHHHHHHHHH

ok, i think i'm getting mentally unstable

today morning, i walked sleepily through the canteen to e classrms. suddenly, i heard LOUD squeaks behind me. i was shocked and turned around and lo and behold! i saw, chewing on a piece of cardboard, was a...

RAT

yes! what on earth was a RAT doing in the canteen?! its so unhygienic!! and i bet it was the culprit who chewed the wire/cables that caused the stupid power failure in our school. mum is always going on about how this stupid rat chewed the wires of this shopping mall and caused a explosion which resulted in a huge fire. i had a urge to pounce on that rat but something kept me from doing so. perhaps after watching ratatouilee, or maybe before that, i realised how rats feel about things. all they want to do is to eat and live. we humans are too selfish. we take the life of animals for food and survival but we don't allow animals to eat our food. that doesn't seem too fair. they don't know that chewing wire cables isn't right, they don't do it on purpose. and we humans do things that harm animals too. why are human beings so selfish?

well, i guess that's what we call human nature

finally i had the guts to ______
isn't it weird how some things just make you feel so so happy you feel like you're floating?
i feel really really happy now
really really really happy. although it was just a stupid small thing, i feel really happy
i guess things are finally getting better

and i'm starting to lose control of my temper. again
the stupid STOP method is so dumb and useless
i get so pissed that i can't even remember what does STOP stands for
forget about doing it
ppl don't really think right when they're mad
i suceeded in pissing kmy today recess as i was getting to mad mad mad over stupid music composition
i just racked my brains over a week of hols to think of a tune and TADAH, when i finally got one and wrote it down, denise tells me its a tune from choir -.-
and the stupid thing was due in 30mins and i was like going mad mad mad and i tried to ammend it. then i got mad mad mad and walked out on denise and kmy
I MUST LEARN TO CHILL
CHILL JOAN CHILL
sorry to denise and kmy
i also don't know why i walked out on them. i told you, ppl don't think when they're mad. maybe its just becos they were e only persons i could walk out on. rahh

i must chill

AND MUG

RAHHHH

oh nonono, chill.....

jap is driving me crazy
the post exam schedue looks good
but the exam is not

we have to, besides having to mug 11 chaps worth of vocab and grammar structures, write compo and have oral
i will totally be stumped during oral
i will just sit there feeling stupid
and i don't think i can even manage to write a sentence for the essay

the thing is, i don't even have adequet time to mug
i don't think i can even make it back to rvps for lantern fest on e 22nd
cos i have to study. like mad

i feel like giving up

why must life be so difficult

i'm now suffering the consequences of nt paying attetion and nt taking notes during bio
and please teach me how to study my chapter 6 while avoiding looking at all the horrible pics of the many worms
i think its impossible. in e 1st place, i can't even study the part on invertebrates cos i scotchtaped the two pages together to avoid the worms
if a question on that segment comes out i will just die
but i rather die than to look at those worms
i'm a serious helminthophobic

and i'm soon to suffer the same for physics
and then there comes all e review tests
and then sec 2
where i think i will just die

i think i sprained my toes

today was a good good day (:

wow i seldom see myself saying this

we changed seats!!
i'm now sitting right in the middle (i counted), excatly in e middle of e class :/
part of me likes my new seat cos of the wonderful ppl around me (: and i can communicate more easily sitting right in e middle cos i'm usually just crammed up in my own world at the corner :/
but part of me miss my little corner and stacks of junk beside me and being able to eat and talk and do my own work like nobody's business. and sitting in e middle is a bad thing. the teacher's usual standing location is right in front of me. they like to look at me while teaching. they like to see my work, they are always looking at me like a hawk in almost every moment. how sad ):
but having the wonderful ppl around me makes things better (:
wonderful ppl = denise, minyu (side) vanessa koh, sarah, nienping (behind) erica, wanqi, letian (front), and others sitting in the row beside me (:

i shall have to be a good girl in my new seat o.O

and you know what?

i am suffering from intense euphoria

I PASSED MY JAP CA5
WHOOO HOOOOOOO
FINALLY AFTER A BLOODY __ MONTHS OF STRUGGLIN TO PASS MY CAs, I PASSED THE 5TH ONE! YAY!

ohmygosh. you won't know how happy was i when i found out
at 1st i was shocked. i stared at my paper wondering if it was really mine. i just sat there shocked, then started feeling the excitement rush through. i finally passed. i passed. although its nt a good grade (27/42) but i finally passed. at least its a pass, after failing the past 4 CAs. ohmygosh. you won't know how i feel. then break time joanne and kai sing looked at me and went like, 'haha. she's too happy'. then i started screaming and shrieking, "I PASSED! YAY! I PASSED I PASSED I PASSED". haha i think e whole class might have thought i was mad, got until so low still scream until lidat but i was so so so so happy! ohohoh... SO HAPPY ((((: till no smilies can describe x)

i shall work very very hard to try pass my jap EOY (:
go joan! you can do it (:
i'm motivated now :D

but now i should really be studying bio

GO JOAN :D

i am starting to have end of hols and start of sch blues
at least i could get decent sleep and go around for movies, shopping or blah blah
i will miss hols
i can't wait for e o lvl hols and end of yr hols to come

but before the hols
i have to mug and mug and mug
for all the dumb reviews (EOYs in disguise)
there's still jap and dumb oral
and what then there's band, without seniors, 3 hrs straight combined
work pws and hw which i hope wuld seriously lessen in t4 seing that i already have to study like mad
don't forget e undone 剪报s

term 4 is going to be very very difficult
its still going to be a busy __ weeks

i can't imagine how am i going to survive e rest of my life

i hope that God will bless me through my life ahead
before i actually crack up and go crazy

i shall finish up hist assignment and go to sleep
i don't want to wake up late for church ):

i shall must blog less and stop slacking

shiying likes getitng kicked out of combined? o.O
what an eye opener
i like staying out, but nt getting kicked out x)

ok, don't worry ppl out there who haven't mugged for review tests. i haven't too -.-
nope, nt a single bit
i haven't even startred for bio and ting xie
God bless me

i am slacking/have been slacking
went with sis to get her haircut at kovan
shopped around
i finally got my windmill (:

so here i am
i shall finish 2 剪报s before going to the gym
and when i come back, i shall finish 1 more 剪报 after dinner
and then stay up late to finish book trails, colour wheel, hist graded assignment, music composition and jap hw
then tmr after piano i shall collate e whole asean thingo properly + seek help in printing, pack up and locate all my misplaced stuff and finish more jap hw
and study a little bio

i really hope 剪报 isn't due on wk 1
i still haven't found my 4 misplaced articles
so i don't plan to do e collation yet

hols are gonna be over soon
and this one hasn't been particularly fruitful

i really feel like quitting jap

look on e brighter side
everything will be done and over by 25th sept

why am i blogging now when i'm supposed to be at foc?

i am such an idiot

yest night....

11.30pm - start typing 剪报

*types barely 1 sentence and falls asleap hugging laptop*

1.45am - jean: "ok, lets go to sleep"

.......

today morn....

7am - 9am - alarm rings continually every 10 mins
looks at my hp, grunts, go back to sleep

*alarm gets fed up and decides to stop ringing at 9am*

12.10 - "oh shit"

and they are having amazing race today !! ):
why am i such a coconut? -.-

maybe its God's will for me to stay at home and finish all my hw, mainly, my 剪报s
*GROANS*

oh, and....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH

wheeeeee

ratatouilee and secret rawked (:
euu shuld really watch it. its worth the money
and i strongly recomend cathay cineplex!

ok. so i woke up in e morn and caught ratatouilee at amk hub with kmy. it was really really good and funny. and cute too.
then we went shopping around... saw this nice bag and many other clothes that i liked but didn't haf e money to buy ): and hahaha, there were so many baby+maternity shops in amk hub o.O and i was happily recounting to kmy how i once walked into this maternity shop nt knowing that it was one, and started looking at those clothes while e salesperson gave me strange looks. haha. and then, TADAH, history repeated x)

joan: "hey why this shirt only M size so big! i think i can wear leh!"

kmy: "eh joan, i think this is a maternity wear shop"

*looks at each other and rushes out of the shop laughing*

that was so dumb

then kmy left for tuition at around 2pm and i went to tan tock seng to meet mum

then at around 4.20pm i left for amk hub again. haha

and met jean for secret. its really nice too! nice and mysterious and touching. the music's really good too (: watch it! highly recomended :D

then we went to yishun to pick up jean's laptop and went home

my feet's aching like crazy.
and today's 2 movies and whole day out has left me in a close-to-bankruptcy state
thank God jean is sponsering my ticket for secret! :D
and i ate so much rubbish today! popcorn and large coke x2, ruffles chips, chocolate bar, subway cookie, egg tart and blah blah blah

i still have loads of hw!
pray that 剪报 isn't due anytime soon ):
pray hardddddd :D

I HATE JAP ORAL THINGY! >:(

RAHH

e trombones and tuba got bullied alot during band today
i think she's really biased towards us
when shiying and diana used to complain abt that alot, i used to tell them that they were being over sensitive
but now i find that its pretty true
when trumpets can't reach high notes, she tell them nt to force
when we can't reach she scolds us for nt using enuf air
when we are nt in tune she scolds and scolds and scolds like what
when the other instrus are nt in tune she just tells them off normally
when we blow wrongly or come in late/early, she glares at us like we commited murder or start scolding and yelling or kick us out
when e other instrus do that she just goes, ' ____ ! late/early/wrong note!'
and when we put pressure on our lips he scolds and scolds and insults like crazy
just cos ours, tuba and euphonium is like so obvious. unlike the woodwinds + trumpets and horn

we did e tuning thingy and she did it over and over
and as usual, tuba and trombones got scolded ALOT ALOT ALOT for coming in early/late
which was like, quite true lah
but she should consider that tuba had to come in 1st and we had to come in 2nd and we came in alone when the other instrus could come in together later, or whatever. couldn't really tell. its just so obvious to hear when tuba and trombones made mistakes cos... it was obvious
and during chords she kept scolding me and olivia cos we were e only ones playing e 1st note or whatever. and e note happens to be high Bflat and she started screaming that we were nt in tune and LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN.
well, i couldn't tell. at all.

ok. fine. she kept scolding trombones trombone and trombones after that for all kinds of reasons
and everytime she scolds trombones, it felt like she was just scolding me and me alone
cos i was just sitting right in e middle
easiest for her to scold
anyone in our sect makes e mistake i'm e first one to get accused, first one to get scolded
why on earth am i sitting in e middle?

thats nt all
she kicked shiying and diana out just cos they came in late for chords or whatever
they had to stay out even after we finished tuning
and she like, totally forgot abt them
until we went for sectionals and then came back for e last 30mins to play livin la vida loca
they said sorry to her
AND SHE SCOLDED THEM AGAIN
does this make sense?

i was pressing like my life depended on it and i had this really clear mark
then she started scolding sijia for pressing and having a mark
then everyone started looking at me and i realised i had a mark too
and i had to hide my face behind e stand all the while
which was so dumb

combined makes my e whole sect greens distressed
where has the times when we used to laugh and laugh and laugh like nobody's business gone to?
"1... 2... 3... WHOOOO"
and we would start laughing

i miss those times

i have been slacking e whole day
the moment i came home frm novena after meeting mum i dropped dead onto my bed until 9
i feel so awake that i could stay up all night working on those stupid articles

ratatouilee with kmy and secret with sis tmr (:

yay! i feel accomplished becos i've finished e myanmar brochure (:
and to me, its gonna be the most beautiful and cute brouchure around (:
although e info inside is abit... uhhh ehhh
but i still think its really good and nice ((:

those dumbdumb 剪报s are bugging me
i haven't got started yet
tmr is already thursday ):
i better work harder and stop slacking
theres still the truckloads of jap hw and the stupid oral self intro
its gonna be hard mugging for jap EOY and all the other review tests
i'm determined to pass everything!
esp jap EOY (:

why can't cca standdown be earlier for us ):

the motivation is finally here
the problem is... its now 12:10am in the night/morning, i have to wake up at 7am tmr and i'm really sleepy now ):
i shall work hard tmr and hope that the motivation will nt go away :D

ps: i just realised that christine seow has e same blogskin as mine which gave me quite a shock. and i found out alot of other interesthing stuff abt myself and others. AND i think i do blog too much. 1 more post to make a nice 200 and i only started blogging this yr in march :D

i'm going crazy

asean is driving me crazy. my chinese absolutely sucks i don't know how i ended up taking higher chinese. jean's chinese is so much better than mine and i don't know why i am taking higher chinese when she didn't. doing the stupid myanmar research, i could only type out e stupid title, nt knowing what else to type. i had to enter every website found and copy and paste e info in it to babelfish to be translated. after reading the english version then do i know whether the info is useful or not. i feel absolutely disguested with my chinese, nt being able to read even e simplest paragraphs. i have totally no idea what i put into the asean research unless i translated it using babelfish, which is nt totally accurate.
ASEAN RESEARCH WAS PRATICALLY DRIVING ME UP THE WALL
at least its done now
but i feel bad to grace and weiting, who found so much info on their topic for the poster, when i have so so so little info on both my topics. i think the info for both my topics is even lesser than their info for only one topic. but i really don't know what to put in anymore and am so so tired of entering every website and copying and pasting info to babelfish to be translated.
i shall substitute with more pics
sorry grace and weiting ):
i hope the other grp's poster is coming out well

and i am totally mad at zhang man li and pan lao shi for making us do the stupid 剪报 competition
this is so stupid
just becos we're in stretch, we get more pws, more hw, more assignments?
THIS IS SO DUMB
10 cuttings. somemore have to decorate and make them presentable
i already know i am never going to win this stupid thing and yet i am still forced to do it
DUMB
this is so pointless

i am just glad that i have finally finished researching for asean
it makes me feel kinda acomplished
but it also made me feel braindead

i shall work on summarizing for the brochure, making the globes, designing the title and subtitles, setting the fonts and sizes and format and etc etc later
i seriously need a break

i feel really lonely at home

):

i must complete my hist graded assignment, 6 剪报s, e asean brochure and collation for e 海报 today and will nt go to sleep until i do so
i shall rush to do it so that i can go out
haven't been spending much time with mum as she is mostly at the hospital with my grandmother
i feel rather lonely and bored at home

i want to watch The Secret, Ratatouilee and Blood Brothers!
but i got nt enuf money ): and anyway Blood Brothers is NC16
dammit
i shall watch ratatouilee with kmy on friday
and maybe convince my sis to sponser me for The Secret since she wants to watch it too :D
i'm going severely broke ):

right. on to work

should i drop jap?

yay! i feel accomplished becos i've finished e myanmar brochure (:
and to me, its gonna be the most beautiful and cute brouchure around (:
although e info inside is abit... uhhh ehhh
but i still think its really good and nice ((:

those dumbdumb 剪报s are bugging me
i haven't got started yet
tmr is already thursday ):
i better work harder and stop slacking
theres still the truckloads of jap hw and the stupid oral self intro
its gonna be hard mugging for jap EOY and all the other review tests
i'm determined to pass everything!
esp jap EOY (:

why can't cca standdown be earlier for us ):

the motivation is finally here
the problem is... its now 12:10am in the night/morning, i have to wake up at 7am tmr and i'm really sleepy now ):
i shall work hard tmr and hope that the motivation will nt go away :D

the cable tv's channel 55 9pm hk drama series i had been watching ended today
kinda weirdly
at least its a happy ending

oohhhh... i really don't want the series of unfortunate events to end
its such a nice series. although quite a weird one
its written really weirdly and funnily
I DON'T WANT IT TO END
and there's still so many mysteries unsolved and things unknown and it just ended like that
):

damm ASEAN pw ):
i haven't got started on ANY hw or pw or studying of anything yet
ARGHHHHHHHH
why am i such a sucker?

isn't it weird how some ppl can be so nice this instant, and start being mean and horrid at the next?
i just wished some ppl wuld be nicer and friendlier
i finally had a chance to experience being a victim of an angry, moody, stressed and blah blah person
well, seeing that i'm frequently one myself
i shall stop throwing my temper and blah blah at ppl cos now i know how bad it feels

joan loves nice people (:
(ps: defination of nice: very very friendly, friendly and more friendly and blah blah)

i feel weird and random today (:

i feel like banging my head into the wall now
i didn't bring home my trombone
i even forgot to bring home my scores to study
*OH DAMMIT*
nt that it matters, but sia is going to test us on the dumb 'livin la vida loca" or whatever
which i have totally no idea how to play
and will have only a max of 20mins to prac on thurs before ms sia comes
*SHIT*
God bless me

today's band was quite shit
we got kicked out cos of intervals
and got scolded lots and lots of times
we got scolded for playing sloppily, we got scolded for nt tonguing enuf. we even got scolded for not breathing
well, i've grown quite numb to her scoldings and insults already
it doesn't really affect me anymore

poor christine lim, my darling mortal, is nt feeling very well today ):
i hope she'll feel better soon (:

i have finished reading the last book of series of unfortunate events
its quite sad, unlike harry potter
books really do much to me
i felt so sad when it reached e end and everything
kit, count olaf and many others died
and so many other things remained unknown
like fiona and captain widdershins and the quigermares and they finally accepted the fact that their parents were dead
):

something i like abt a series of books is that it goes on and on and i can read and read and get all absorbed into the books
the thing i don't like is the endings
it feels sad everytime i read the end of a book, or the last book of a series
same goes for tv programmes
this is sad ):

i am so sleepy
and is still guilty of the fact that my hw remains untouched

i realised perhaps i have insomnia
or maybe nt. i don't know. its kinda weird

during sch days where i so often longed to slp and the moment i hit my bed i wuld drift off unconsiously into lalaland. now i actually dread going to sleep. my stomach thingy likes to bug me in e middle of e night. throughout e night i can slp properly cos of my stomach pains. and in e morn headaches start attacking me like crazy. and sleeping and waking up signifies a new day, reminding me of e stuff i haven't done and e little time i have left. and i think i have some kind of sleeping problems. i used to not hear my alarm clock ring and off it unconciously. but now i can just suddenly jump out of my bed panicking at 3am or so and grab my alarm clock, imaginating that i heard my alarm ring and am going to be late for whatever i am supposed to wake up for. and i think i sleepwalk and sleeptalk, and can vaguely rmb it when i wake up, but have no control over it while i'm sleepwalking/talking. i rmb myself going to the toliet in e middle of e night, sit down at the bathtub, wash my hands and go back to sleep. i rmb myself talking gibberish to my stuffed animals in e middle of e night.

i'm convinced that i'm going crazy.
mainly becos of stress

and i don't know why the same kind of nightmares have been drifting in and out lately
the one with kmy, That Person and others involved
i wake up suddenly with fear and confusion
i think i really am stressed

i have finally gotten my hands on the book, a series of unfortunate events book 13, "THE END" (:
i shall stay up reading it tonight (:

i hope i'll survive band tmr

i need to lose weight
one of my skirts has gotten awfully tight and is giving me breathing difficulties

why are singaporeans so kiasu and money minded?
well, my mum is one of them :D

i am still slacking. its been a long long day out and i am in no mood to do work. everyone is shooting past me like bullet trains while i'm still struggling to crawl after them. i need to pick up the pieces where i left them. i need to work much much harder. no more 1-day-before-test studying anymore. i won't be able to do that for the countless review tests, which as i've said, just a nicer name for EOYs. they cover so so so many chapters. i don't want to end up failing anything and getting a sucky grade. i think me and kmy won't be in e same class nxt yr anymore cos she'll probably be in justice or loyalty which i will never end up in ): i need to buck up and strive harder. I MUST WORK HARD!

anyway, my grandmother got back her brain scan results

why is God so unfair? my grandfather and grandmother had done so many good deeds in their whole lives and God is now taking their lives away one after another. lung cancer, brain tumor, is that what you get for being a good person? i really don't know. i just pray that God will not let my grandmother suffer any pain or anything and just leave as peacefully as my grandfather did.

life is this short
afterall, its just a passing through

i am seriously in need of financial assistance
why do i have to worry abt so many other things normal ppl my age don't have to worry abt?
such as saving money to buy my own clothes, shoes, stationery etc etc
even breakfast, lunch and dinner
in short, everything that i want, and need to buy
does that seem normal?

the pimples and blackheads are popping out continuously

and my stomach is still bugging me alot
*ouch*

i feel like banging my head into the wall now
i didn't bring home my trombone
i even forgot to bring home my scores to study
*OH DAMMIT*
nt that it matters, but sia is going to test us on the dumb 'livin la vida loca" or whatever
which i have totally no idea how to play
and will have only a max of 20mins to prac on thurs before ms sia comes
*SHIT*
God bless me

today's band was quite shit
we got kicked out cos of intervals
and got scolded lots and lots of times
we got scolded for playing sloppily, we got scolded for nt tonguing enuf. we even got scolded for not breathing
well, i've grown quite numb to her scoldings and insults already
it doesn't really affect me anymore

poor christine lim, my darling mortal, is nt feeling very well today ):
i hope she'll feel better soon (:

i have finished reading the last book of series of unfortunate events
its quite sad, unlike harry potter
books really do much to me
i felt so sad when it reached e end and everything
kit, count olaf and many others died
and so many other things remained unknown
like fiona and captain widershikins and the quigermares and they finally accepted the fact that their parents were dead
):

something i like abt a series of books is that it goes on and on and i can read and read and get all absorbed into the books
the thing i don't like is the endings
it feels sad everytime i read the end of a book, or the last book of a series
same goes for tv programmes
this is sad ):

i am so sleepy
and is still guilty of the fact that my hw remains untouched

my hair has undergone major change
somewhere in the middle length range
short to tie, long to let down
my fringe is partially chopped of
I MISS MY FRINGE *BAWLS LOUDLY*
no more side part, and no more sleeping during c.lit or acting ghost ):
with a white powered face, some rouge and mascara, i might just resemble a china doll
i don't know how hairdresser pauline managed to make my hair look straight. i kinda miss my curls
and when its up i look like a total pai kia
perhaps i should have just got it snipped a little shorter
anyway, i still love my hair (:
but i miss my fringe ):

living near the mrt station, bus interchange and shopping centre is a bad thing
why? becos they like to set up insurence or banking booths there
nt that its any of my concern
it only bothers me when ppl start mistaking my age and asking me to invest in some nonsense savings plan or buy some dumb life insurence
which, unfortunately, happens pretty often

studying with the jap pros tmr at bishan library
i think i'll just get lost in somewhere like pluto

i shall be a little more hardworking and organized this hols
can't afford to slack anymore
i shall go draw up my holiday timetable now :P

and i can't wait to watch ratatouille with kmy (:

its a chilly day and i'm all alone at home
i keep having intuitions that bad things are going to happen

i need a haircut very, very badly

is blogging good or bad?

as i enjoy reading, but have long ran out of materials to read, i have lately taken to reading blogs
i realised that it isn't such a good thing anymore

what i just read made my heart drop all the way down... down...
and it made me tear

are we that irksome?

when we found out abt the first incident, it was enough
i comforted myself thinking that there are others out there for me
but i turned out to be all wrong
i found out how many ppl actually hate us, and find us irritating and sickening
perhaps i have always known, only at the surface of things. but nt in depth
what i read made me realise, actually we all know the truth at its surface, except we've never bothered to find out more, or perhaps we aren't prepared to accept it as a fact

now i know everything
the things i've always wanted to know
i suddenly wish that i hadn't probbed so far into these stuff
and could just pretend that no problems existed and live happily ever after

normally if i come across smth like this, the 1st thing is to share it with this certain grp of ppl who i'm quite, in fact, very close too
we've always shared these kind of problems together
but this time, i'm reluctant to tell them
cos i know that they'll take it even harder than me
but afterall, the have the rights, and need to know
i'm really confused

i'm just too tired to go on trying to solve dumb problems like this

i don't really care if all of you hate us anymore
my emotions and feeling's all numb, the senses are gone

i've given up

i just wasted 1 hr, nt to mention 90cents to go all the way to kovan to find that hairdresser pauline is nt free
i am pissed with mum who didn't check properly before telling me to go
i went all the way there just to watch mum and jean eat dinner and buy durians
both of which i am nt interested in participating

i am trying very very hard to memorize my trombone positionings. its a hard thing, with all the sharps and flats and whatever, and different positioning for the different notes in different octaves. like how low Eflat, normal Eflat and high Eflat have different positions. nt like how the piano works, you just have to sight read and press the correct key. i am trying very very hard to memorize the positioning cos 1 thing, ms sia doesn't allow us to write the positioning on our scores and will murder us, and if she doesn't our seniors wuld anyway :P and things will be much easier if i can memorize the positionings well cos then all i'll be left to do is to sight read the notes and rythem when ms sia suddenly makes us blow some unknown nonsense. nt to mention, take note of my pitch and tone, which i obviously don't and can't anyway. i am horribly tone deaf. i can't even differentiate the notes sometimes i don't know how i ended up in band. and i am, very unfortunately, still smacked right in the middle during combine. and there is a 50% chance i wuld be e 1st in e section to be called everytime sia makes us blow 1 by 1. and if i can memorize my positioning efficiently, i'll have less trouble with triplets, intervals and arpeggios which are absolutely horrendous. and blah blah blah. anyway, everything wuld just be easier if i could just memorize my positionings very, very well.
and the seniors have cca stand down, which means there's no one to take us for drills, lead us in setting up and update us on what to do and where to go, or is there to teach us whatever we have to learn. up till 17 sept, which is only when our cca stand down starts, we will be totally on our own. i guess even thru cca stand down, instead of relaxing i'll be busy practicing everything i have to practice from scales to the many many songs and blowing high notes. and for my studies i really have to buck up if i don't want to fail all my review tests, which is actually just a nicer name for EOYs. i just hoped that cca for us wuld stand down a little earlier so i could prepare for my jap EOY. anyway, i and the rest of e sec 1s wuld have a terrible time preparing for main band and swearing in. i just hope everything wuld go fine with sia. i wished that mr choy could take us instead cos he is so much nicer and he makes band less stressful. unfortunately ms sia wuld always be there.
me and the section greens have to work really really hard and stop slacking. all of them have lost the madness, laughter and motivation ever since ms sia labeled us as the worst section and started scolding us every practice. i got motivated to work harder ever since but instead omotivating the rest of the section greens, it made them chao depressed and pessimistic. they keep thinking since ms sia forever has that perception that our section is the worst, then let it be. we're just slacking, and when i try to motivate them to practice, they tell me, 'for what. ms sia already said we're the worst, so let it be', which sometimes pisses me off. i mean, if we work harder we won't be the worst forever.
and i'm losing my love for the trombone. i feel really mean saying this, but my mum is right. my tone is so horrible that when i blow it sounds more like an elephant than a music instru. and when i was put into trombones i seriously didn't know what it was. when i saw it i was like, super shocked cos it looked so so cool and long and everything. cos ever since i saw rvps brass band i've been noticing this long long thing (which actually was a trombone) and saw how it was played by pushing out and pulling in the slide and everything and thought it was so cool. i never thought that one day, i wuld be blowing it. but now i realised that there is so much more to blowing a trombone. the slide which i was once fascinated with doesn't seem remotedly interesting anymore. it seems so much of a chore to have to position accurately, estimate properly without taking our eyes off the conductor or the scores, and move up or down when its to flat or sharp, having to listen very very much on our pitch, unlike the other instrus where they just have to press their fingerings and thats that. we have to depend very much on listening, which is very unfortunate for the tone-deaf me.
i feel mean ):
i must learn to love my instru and blow it well (:

you know why i like to blog?
cos if you like, you can read it. if you don't, you can scram and get out of here
no one is forcing you to read
unlike in conversations, ppl might nt be interested abt what you have to say, but listening boredly out of politeness and you chatter on without knowing that you are actually torturing that bored person
but my posts are mostly for my own purporses. for me to read later on and rmb abt the certain events, or to just let out my emotions and rant on and on and nt making ppl bored cos as i've said, you can choose nt to read this (:

mum thinks i'm anorexic and have nt been eating
i don't know how she came up with such a weird hypothesis
i eat so ever much and is getting fatter everyday
she, who was once nagging me to lose weight, is now worried abt me losing weight
does that make sense?

i don't know why i'm so full of crap today
perhaps its cos during school days my blogging time is so limited ):

i am still slacking

i went for the trip to botanic gardens (:
it was quite good really
the scavenger hunt was really amusing
"2 pairs of white socks, 1 pair size 3 shoes, 1 pair size 9 shoes, 2 hairclips (cheers to me), 2 umbrellas, 50 leaves, medicated oil axe brand, 3 bunches of keys...." and all sorts of funny things
the most hilarious one?
"2 cockroaches, 2 grasshoppers, DEAD OR ALIVE"
and no, we didn't manage to find that one :D

and ok, here goes one of my rantings abt a certain person

who do you think you are huh? kmy's right, you don't even deserve to be a Singaporean and you're a serious threat to society. i'm really scared of you and what else underhand things you can do. you know i actually had a nightmare about you last night breaking up the friendship between me and kmy, and kimberly and sherbelle? i've had enough. you go around breaking up pairs of friendship and when they get sick of you, you just flounce off happily and find another pair to attack. you don't realise it but thats nt the way to be popular, ppl just look at you as a b***h and a v***n (sorry for being a little vuglar i'm really pissed now). seriously don't you ever feel guilty and remorseful about whatever you've done, and still doing? i realise that you're not that innocent, naive, child like person i pictured you as. please stop trying to break up anymore people. ruining friendships and spoiling ppl's lives. the thing is that if you're in a mixed school, and you do that to couples i won't be shocked and disguested but now you are doing to GIRLS and breaking up their FRIENDSHIP. i don't know what you will do to ppl who have boyfriends and husbands in later life. please, stop sucking up to people and thinking that you're the most popular person in the entire earth. and please grow up, instead of just trying to ACT GROWN UP but in actual fact is such a childish person. you seriously have the mind of a 10 yr old or perhaps even younger. the thing is that, i've met many ppl like you and i know vaugely what you're thinking. except that you are really horrible and despicable and the ppl i know have never been like that. and please, STOP BREAKING UP PAIRS OF FRIENDSHIP. ITS SUCH A DESPICABLE THING TO DO. so what if you manage it, and end up getting a new best friend? don't you feel remorsful abt what you've done to the other person? and that new person won't be truly your friend. i don't think you even care abt having true friends and just like to friendship-hop around and be popular. it will never end up anywhere. in the end you'll just find that by doing this, you're just losing your old friends, and nt managing to find new ones. please stop all this nonsense, i'm really sick of you. the thing abt me is that i hate and get angry very easily but once that person stop doing that particular thing i'll stop hating. like the way i get along with angelina now after our whole eng pw matter is over. BUT YOU ARE NOT STOPPING YOUR NONSENSE. when someone is pissed with you, or irritated with you, you should try to mend the friendship instead of just SWITCHING TO ATTACK ANOTHER PERSON OR ANOTHER PAIR. if you keep doing that in the end you'll find out that you have no one to attack anymore and just END UP BEING LONESOME. all that stuff abt nt trying to be popular, kmy accepted your explanation the 1st time but i didn't. why? becos i know what you was thinking. and just trying to fake for sympathy. AND HOW DARE YOU START SPREADING THAT I WAS JUST BLOGGING THOSE POSTS FOR THE SAKE OF ASKING FOR SYMPATHY. PLEASE LOR, I AM NT A FAKER LIKE YOU. and i was right. when kmy got angry with me and started going out with you, instead of trying to help us make up you started telling kmy how i am irritating and backstabbing me. you know how painful it is to have a person backstab you like that, especially when that person was once a good friend of yours? you know how painful it is to me emotionally at that period of time? I'M ASKING YOU, DO YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL IT IS? DO YOU KNOW THE HURT YOU'VE CAUSED ME TO SUFFER? DO YOU KNOW HOW YOU'VE HURT BOTH ME AND KMY SO MUCH? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PAIN YOU'VE BROUGHT TO BOTH OF US AND HOW MUCH YOU'VE MADE US TEAR? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH EMOTIONAL DISTRESS YOU'VE CAUSED? WHAT ABOUT KIMBERLY? DO YOU KNOW HOW NAIVE SHE IS AND NOW YOU'RE BACKSTABBING HER LIKE HOW YOU BACKSTABBED ME? DO YOU KNOW HOW SHE FEELS? HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN MIN AND LI LIN PAIRED UP AND LEFT YOU? DID YOU FEEL HURT? DO YOU KNOW HOW ME, KMY, KIMBERLY AND SO MANY OTHER PPL FEEL? DO YOU KNOW HOW SARAH, VANESSA AND NIENPING FEEL ABT THIS WHOLE THING, THOUGH YOU WERE UNABLE TO BREAK THEM APART? WILL YOU JUST STOP YOUR NONSENSE WITH BACKSTABBING PPL AND HURTING SO MANY OTHERS?
and do you know how i felt when i read the msg you sent to kmy the 1st time we were angry with you?
do you know how much you've made me and kmy cry?
when will you ever understand how much hurt you've caused?
AND WILL YOU STOP HARPING ON YOUR STUPID MATH SCENERIO AND MY HIST TEST? I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE YOU. YOU WERE GIVEN AN EXTENSION FOR YOUR MATH SCENERIO. BUT I WASN'T GIVEN AN EXTENSION FOR MY E.LIT AND HISTORY GRADED ASSIGNMENT. DID I COMPLAIN? NO. AND YOU ARE NOT HAPPY JUST BECOS I DIDN'T TAKE MY HIST TEST. WHY DON'T YOU GO HATE OTHERS INSTEAD OF ME? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, GO TO MS LAW AND DEMAND FOR HER TO GIVE ME A ZERO? WHAT ABT OTHERS? DENISE, LETIAN? THEY DIDN'T TAKE HIST TEST TOO, YET YOU ARE NOT HATING THEM. DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?
AND THRU THAT PERIOD OF TIME, YOU KEPT RANTING TO KMY HOW YOU HATED ME AND THE WAY I BLOGGED. YOU KEPT TELLING HER THAT I WAS BEGGING FOR SYMPATHY. CAN YOU OPEN YOUR EYES AND EARS TO LOOK AND HEAR HOW MANY PPL ACTUALLY READ MY POSTS? WHATEVER I BLOG IS THE TRUTH, TRUTH AND THE TRUTH. IT CALLED AN INTERNET DIARY FOR GOODNESS SAKE. WHY WOULD I LIE IN A DIARY? IF YOU ARE NT HAPPY WITH MY BLOGGING, THEN JUST GET LOST AND SCRAM OUT OF MY BLOG. NO ONE IS FORCING YOU TO READ IT.
WILL YOU JUST STOP ALL YOUR NONSENSE?
no matter how much i tell kmy that we should make up with her and stop hating, i can't stop hating myself
i can't stop hating the person who backstabbed me and caused me so much hurt
even through the countless times i prayed, i can't stop hating you
the wound you've caused in me is too deep
i give up trying to make up with you. cos you're showing obvious signs of nt wanting to, and i'm nt stupid to let you try break us up again. i only thought we could remain as friends. but obviously you don't want to and i'm just scared the whole cycle will start all over.
the hurt and hatred will never fade.
you can hate me for all i care. i know you hate me becos ever since kmy and you sat together, you became closer except for me who was in the middle. then when kmy was angry with me, you would grab the chance and start brainwashing ppl abt how horrible i am. then when me and kmy got back together, we still treated you as our good friend but obviously you're nt contented, unahppy and pissed. i know what you think. you think now i'm trying to sow discord between you and others. but whatever i say is the truth, and its frm my heart. unlike you, i'm nt a faker. you think it was me who caused you plight but i assure you its not. i am nt the wicked one, you are. you caused yourself to be in the state you are in. ever so happy and nt caring abt the ppl you've hurt. i assure you one day retribution wuld come. you won't have a happy ending, i'm certain of it.
from now on, no more tears. i and perhaps kmy are never going to tear over this whole stupid issue again. we wuld never let you cause us any hurt anymore. like zhang man li says, 忍. when someone tries to hurt you, you should never let yourself be hurt because this way, you will stand to gain nothing except making the person who hurt you happy. no more tears, no more pain.
i decided to strike out the whole of the above paragraph because i know that would never be possible. being particularly sensitive people, both of us will perhaps never forget abt this whole thing. the pain and hatred will remain, perhaps lessen over time but it will always be there. we will never forget the hurt you've caused.
i just hope that you'll stop inflicting anymore pain on other people
haven't you caused enough harm?
when will you ever stop your nonsense?

i'm seriously apologetic for being so emo
i hope that is nt considered cyber bulling
i don't think so. its more like she's emotionally bulling me
and ohmygosh, i just realised that my rantings abt that certain person had hit 1514 words, by using microsoft words' wordcount.
shiying's right. 1 day i can just extract my posts frm my blog and compile 'A Diary of Joan Chan" and start publishing and selling it
but i don't think anyone wuld be interested

i shall stop crapping now
byebye :D

Joan Chan
thirteen'
110594
sngs
1 Justice
snsb trombone

nike sling bag
myuk sling bag
new wallet
bigger pencil case

God
family
friends
sngs
1 Justice 07
1 Justice 07 counsellors
snsb, trombones

Min Yu
Wen Xin
Claudia
6A (rvps) 06'
Jessica
Karen
Jolene

high school musical - breaking free
high school musical - start of something new


high school musical - we're all in this together


michael learns to rock - you took my heart away


death cab for cutie - i will follow you into the dark


the fray - how to save a life


nick cave - where the wild roses grow


barry manilow - can't smile without you