.Tuesday, October 23, 2007 ' 10:15 PM Y
you used to be the reason, for my smile.
I HATE YOU
>:(
and the you is refering to many people
i don't know why i miss you people so much. when no one seems to give a damm about my existance at the gathering. why do i pin on to wistful hopes that something right wuld happen and i'll be able to go when no one even cares about me going or not? i'm really confused. while you people are having fun there, i'm having a once-in-a-lifetime swearing in. which according to most seniors, an extremely impt thing and blah. why does my presense mean nothing to all of you and i make no difference whether you all are happy or sad, when you all are able to make me so unhappy and probably all the way thru swearing in? i don't know why i mean so little to all of you that you won't even make an effort to meet me on the second day. i feel really really hurt deep down. those who i've once considered my bestest friends in e world... actually i mean nothing to them.
why do i always allow that to happen to me? i hate being sensitive, no matter how hard to change e fact dat i am, i can't. i've tried being nonchalant, but that just makes me feel worse and more unhappy. why do i allow others, and things to hurt me so easily?
speaking of this, i hate the way my existance doesn't matter. nothing will change in the world even if i vanish without a trace. no one cares if i'm there or not. even worse, they hate the fact that i am actually there. they can't wait for me to scram and disappear.
i hate myself.
and, I HATE HER. she suddenly announced that we were to clear our lockers and tables and EVERYTHING by TODAY. and i was clearing my locker when we suddenly had to rush off for e.lit drama thing. and then she was like telling me to come back during break to clear my locker. and i said okay. and when i went back during break, SHE THREW AWAY EVERYTHING THAT I LEFT IN MY LOCKER. OH DAMM. so what if she has alot of money? poor folks like me can't afford to re-buy everything okay. ok i admit i've cleared most of e impt stuff and the stuff lying at the bottom was just a pile of debris lying there since the start of term. but SO WHAT? SHE HAS NO RIGHTS TO THROW AWAY ALL MY STUFF. and she threw away my ONLY BATIK PAINTING LEFT. the rest were stolen when i brought them to sch for ipw. DOES SHE KNOW HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO ME? ITS SOMETHING THAT CAN NEVER BE REPLACED. i hate her i hate her I HATE HER SO FREAKING MUCH. OHHHHH I HATE HER!!!
and i'm so so so so so very sorry clarissa i made a muck out of eur phone.
you see, she asked me to help her lock her phone. and i thought she wanted to lock her sim card. so i went to e lock sim card thing and then they asked for a code which no one knew. and the thing is stuck there forever until she phones singtel. I AM SO SO SORRY CLARISSA ):
and i don't know why i hate so easily. i didn't use to be like this. i've seriously changed, alot. i now hate people for so many different reasons. the thing is, i can hate someone but still get along with them perfectly fine. that is, when they don't do the thing i hate. i don't really hate people, just the things they do. does this make sense?
and it takes me such pains to forgive. and i'll probably never ever forget. i've tried forgiving, i seriously did. that time i tried forcing myself to accept it, but then i keep feeling that it is you who don't want it to happen. perhaps the hurt we've caused each other is too deep. i just wanted you to know i seriously tried. but the memories keep refreshing themselves in my head and come back to haunt me. i even tried to write you a eoy letter, to find that i couldn't bring myself to write it. what could i write? "thank you for the happy times we had and lets just forget all the unhappy ones". that i don't think i can ever do. or "i'm sorry for the hurt you've caused me and i've caused you". that wouldn't sound right in a eoy letter. i really don't know. i want it to end, nice and properly. afterall, all grudges should end at the end of e yr. but i don't know how to do it. sigh.
band was a muck.
but at least she wasn't here (:
random note. i must stop my sleepwalking, talking, moving. i do things in my sleep subconciously/unconciously without knowing it and it gives me alot of trouble. biggest and most comman example. i off my alarm clock unknowingly when it rings in e morn.
its my body's natural reaction. something i have no control of.
the problem is, i've gotten so used to it i now do it in my sleep.
thus, i can't wake up.
maybe someday i shall invent a alarm that dumps water on me when it rings :D
i realised how much i've changed...
i shall post abt it another day. freaking tired
i'm beginning to fear the and of e yr and nxt yr
changes. sometimes i like them, but sometimes i don't
but i am one who doesn't excatly adapt easily
and i hate endings.
sigh.
it has truly been a hectic, busy, long eventful blah blah blah year
one part of me wishes it to end, the other part doesn't
i'm confused with myself
why must life be so complex?
