.Saturday, September 15, 2007 ' 6:50 PM Y
you used to be the reason, for my smile.
i'm dying already
i can't stand it anymore. the complexity of the world, the hidden thoughts of people's minds... why must everything be so confusing?
i really shouldn't think anymore, i really should try to go back to the naive/stupid state i used to be, thinking that the world was good and everything was alright.
i really shouldn't get myself involved into the complexity of the world.
everyday, i see new things, i hear new facts. i get shocked, upset, not able to accept the things that are happening right before me. i seek to escape the reality, but the more i hide, the more these things build up and finally, i just explode from the pile-up of facts and problems i've been forever escaping and just crack there and then.
why can't life just be like before?
come to think of it, i think i've changed tremendously just going frm pri to sec sch. my thoughts, my life, my maturity. my perception about things, the way i speak, the way i carry myself, even the way i act. i feel that i've became a totally different person. i used to be really naive, looking only at the surface of things, with simple thinking and believing whatever i see or hear. but now exposed to just a few of the most basic tough facts of life, through struggling in the cruel reality, i've grown. i've matured in the way i handle things, the way i solve problems, the way i get along with life. the way i speak, with hints of depression, yet sometimes with enthusiasm and craze, i think i've developed an inner personality. i'm sometimes like some busy woman, planning schedues and keeping to time. i've got so much problems and feelings to confide, and things and opinions to speak. i carry myself in a different way at home, in school and out. outside i might look like some serious, grown-up person, at home i seem like a total slacker with absolutely no signs of stress to my family. i show myself more in school, now that i'm always out of e hse. most of my anger, my craziness, my unhappiness, my emo-ness are always happening at school. its like, no one will understand me even 50% cos even me don't know myself well, yet i'm the one that knows myself best. i've just changed in almost every aspect, the things i care about, the way i live... everything. i don't know if this is good or bad, but perhaps i've finally got myself exposed to reality.
sadly, i still fail in the aspects of remainding strong and resilient. i still can't help just cracking up sometimes with the overload of stress. and i'm still allowing myself to get hurt each time i face the cruel facts of reality. i really can't get to terms with these things. perhaps i never will, with the thing inside me that resists change. maybe it will remain like this forever. even being exposed to reality, instead of making me stronger its weakening me gradually. from term 1 till now, in term 1 i used to struggle to adapt, sacrificing sleep but now, i think i've almost given up. some people think i'm strong, but sadly i'm definately not. yet those who thought i was weak, they're wrong too. i'm still here, well alive and struggling. things will remain as they are for me, but now that i've seen the tiniest bit of the worst, and know what is going to come up, i'm prepared to leave everything to God, and hoping that things will eventually turn out right for me.
i'm sorry if this post doesn't make much sense to you, but its said right through from the inner part of me so its just normal if you don't understand, cos i don't really understand myself too.
back to the status, i've tried hard to study for jap. its so mentally torturing that although i started studying at the table, i was so agonized that i rolled onto the bed and ended up on the floor.
i'm serious
and yet, nothing much has been able to penetrate
i guess its a day wasted
i don't have much time left
i'm still drowning, yet struggling
