.Sunday, September 16, 2007 ' 10:20 PM Y
you used to be the reason, for my smile.
i keep telling myself, i must be strong. i must be strong. i must be strong
but sadly, i can never be
i can't stop myself from tearing, i can't stop myself from just sitting there, staring into space with all hope lost, i can't stop myself from wanting to give up
i really don't know whats wrong with me these few days
perhaps its really the lack of that thing i get from people. those people just think i'm just this smart, happy little kid, happy in school, getting good grades, happy at home and everything
its my friends and classmates that really know me best.
its rather dishearting to have to say this. yes, its my friends who know me best. not my mum, nt my dad. nxt to myself, my friends.
its my friends who are there when i'm upset, its my friends who comforts, its my friends who encourages, its my friends who see me cry, its my friends who knows what i want.
even to the teeniest bit, at least they know me.
they understand, they care.
where has the mum gone to?
why does she always seem to care abt the eldest's well being more then the two other dying yonger kids
its the eldest who's most happy, its the eldest who's most carefree, its the eldest's who's most un-stressed
yet whatever the 2 younger ones are doing, she has totally no idea
my rv tests starts this wk, she has no idea
she has no idea i have tests every wk. sometimes even everyday
she has no idea how stressed i am
up till now, she has no idea what i do in school
she has no idea abt anything concerning my life
she has no idea how i feel
she has no idea, nt even the teeniest bit, on how i think
she's the one i spend most time with, yet she's the one who knows me the least
she doesn't know what i want
she doesn't care when i'm stressed like shit
ok, in fact i doubt she even thinks i'm stressed cos to her i'm just a slacker
she doesn't care when i fret abt pws like stupid asean and tests and hw cos to her, i'm just a stupid lazy pig who doesn't study and do hw
she doesn't know me. she doesn't know my life.
sometimes, i ask myself, whats e point of living
there i am, slogging like shit everyday, fretting, tearing, conked up. for what, exactly?
i really don't know.
maybe its just life. maybe i'm just destined to live such a rubbish life like this.
with everyone at home thinking i'm a slacker and a lazy pig who doesn't deserve to be in st nicks. who think i'm lazy, lazy and lazy.
who doesn't know anything abt my real life.
they only think i'm lazy
i'm really really scared all over of reality
full of fakeness
i've just realised fakeness existed in my family too
except in the past, i've just been too naive/stupid/blind to notice it
ok, enough joan
you can't go on like this forever
stop it, pick yourself up and get on with life
be strong, joan
believe in God, believe in yourself
