.Friday, September 14, 2007 ' 6:10 PM Y
you used to be the reason, for my smile.
everyday of my life, i feel that history is continuously repeating.
i don't know why i never seem to be able to control my emotions. during pe my emotions and anger ran again. while we were playing softball, we were so happy at one moment. shrieking, screaming and laughing like retards cos of the stupid stuff we were doing such as snatching away the home base cone. then later when we had to play a competition, the anger surged and i felt my heart beating furiously. when that person pitched i requested to bat. sorry yuanting if it seems rather rude cos you were the one who was supposed to bat and i kinda just butted in but i really wanted to beat her so badly for once. i got really angry later, not only cos i failed to beat her but i knew i could do much better than that. that person pitched really low and i was unable to bat properly. i just whacked the ball unintentionally. i should have asked her to pitch again, the ball could have flown further if i was more calm and the pitching was better. i dropped e bat and started running like an idiot, i could have ran faster. i felt like cursing myself for mistaking the cones and running a longer distance. i failed to beat her, and i hated myself for it. why am i nt able to this little thing i want to do so badly when she is able to win over me in so many aspects and snatch away all that i have? i hate her attitude, and i hate my own attitude too. why can't i just put aside the hatred. all this nonsense about advising ppl nt to hate, do i have the rights to do so when i myself can't stop hating? i tried, i really tried. but the more i see her doing it, the more i hate her and myself. why can't she just stop inflicting the emotional pain on others? even kimberly feels the hurt when she is always so happy and cheerful about everything else. even now when kmy and i are totally done and over with her, she still likes to hurt us. i hate her, i really hate her so much for all that she's doing, and all the harm she's done. i hate her on the way she bullies others emotionally and try to take away all others have. if she wants it she has to work for it, not snatch and steel like some underhand thief. i hate her attitude, but i hate myself more for letting her do this to so many others and not being able to stop all these from happening. i hate myself for letting others get hurt and cheated like i did before. i don't want history to repeat, more people to get hurt. yet all i can do is to sit there and watch everything happen right before me, hating and getting hurt, but unable to do anything about it. i hate myself for the lack of that thing to just walk up to scold her and tell her to stop all her nonsense, i hate myself for not being able to stop hating. i hate myself for everything
i hate myself for losing it during chinese lessons. there i was, feeling perfectly fine before. i was just so proud of my brochure and poster, until i saw the others. i thought my brochure was going to be the most wonderful brochure around, yet all hope was gone when i saw the other grp's brochure. in fact, ours was the worst. the plainest, the most boring, the one with the worst info. i hated myself for nt making it better. i want it to be as good, or even better, than the other grps. and our poster. i thought the deco was good, i thought the layout was neat. yet when i saw the other grps i knew that yet again, ours is the worst. our posters got criticized like shit by zhang man li. fine, our posters were total rubbish, nt even worthy for her eyes. after all the hard work, the info, the deco, this is what i get. for someone to tell me my poster is shit. FINE. for all i care. i'm sick of this. who says hard work and effort produces results? TOTAL CRAP. sometimes i don't know why i work so hard for all my tests if i just end up failing, my pws if it just gets criticized like rubbish. then zhang man li told us to redo our posters. i just couldn't help myself. i really lost it and let it out. i'm really sick of all thats going on. we have 3 reviews nxt wk, 2 of which it is a must to study for. english is total suck, we have such a eng relief tr who forgot to come for e 1st lesson and talked rubbish the nxt two instead of revising for reviews. for e.lit i have to re-read sing to the dawn, memorize dates, school, countries etc etc for chinese cinderell and study the literary devices, i still have to read through the dumb notes and all. i have to memorize the definations and sentences for 50 成语, do my chinese mock paper. on wk 3 there's hist, geog, jap oral and paper, and maths. which means wk 2 wuld be hell trying to study. i was, and am, really really tired and sick of everything and all the emotions i had been opressing since the very beginning. i just couldn't stop myself and went on and on. as usual, i got severely criticized my zhang man li but i didn't care. i just couldn't help it, everything was too tiring. the emotions i have been opressing unconsiously had found its sudden release. i was really stretched far beyond my stretchable point and just snapped there and then. i felt many people around me with comforting words, i'm really thankful to all who did so, esp kmy and all others. it really meant alot to me. but i just couldn't stop, the more they comforted the more i went on, the more i thought of the cruel reality.
it was when i walked past the sec 2 classes did i see their exam/test schedues written on the boards did i realise, once and for all that the years ahead are going to be much worse. i really don't know how will i survive up till then. i'm already dying now.
i have far too many opressed emotions
i'm close to giving up totally. very close
