.Friday, August 03, 2007 ' 5:36 AM Y
you used to be the reason, for my smile.
today was quite mixed
it was 1 min hyper 1 min depressed kinda thing
i got really pissed with certain irresponsible ppl
actually, quite alot
i tried to draw out procedure plans for bio and geog pws and realised how hard it is to be extra responsible
but i shall always try to remain responsible. or maybe, try to, becos i don't think i am very responsible. or maybe be even more extra responsible. becos i know how hard it is to work with irresponsible people and ppl without leadership and initiative.
i got emo during drama
cos we were doing some really touching stuff
that really struck me in 1 of my weaker points
which is, i think i am pretty sensitive
we listened to this narritive song
which was abt ppl dying and was really really touching
then we had to pretend to be this 12 yr old girl who lost her father and became a prositute. and write 3 lines abt it in her diary. and then say it to e class
i really tried to put myself in her perception
and felt really sad while saying.
then we did this activity
where we were supposed to write 4 names of ppl impt to us/our loved ones on 4 slips of paper
i wrote：kmy, jean, mum, dad
so we had a partner, and my was kmy
and she was to pick one slip, crush it and throw it onto e floor without reading
ok... kmy picked her name out (=P) so she sorta commited suicide?
then e instructor covered e pieces of paper with a black cloth and gave us a fake white rose each
and we stood in this really big circle
and e instructor told us to pretend that a loved one just commited suicide and we could say 1 sentence to e person after leaving e rose on e black cloth. and he told us to go up at our own time when we feel that we are ready.
and there was like, total silence
i started to think what life would be like without my mum, dad, or sisters, or kmy and everything.
ha and i somehow thought of the sister whom i haven't been spending much time with since i started life in st. nicks and she started working and going to uni. and how i miss playing cards and stuffed animals with her. and i thought of the mum whom i barely see more than 3 hrs on weekdays and on weekends i wuld be so absorbed into the chores of my pathetic life. and i thought of dad who i see only twice a yr since he left for dubai and how i wuld be so busy with our own rubbish work that we would hardly take any notice of each other even when he comes back. and lynn who i had never been close to which is quite understandable considering a 10 yr age gap, but whom i know loves me and i know deep inside i would be really sad if she left me someday. and kmy, our quarrels and arguements penetrates thruout e whole of 1j so ever frequently and sometimes i am really pissed with euu and euu get really irritated with me and blah. but i know i would really miss, seeing that i can't even stand 1 day nt talking to euu. and i thought of so many things and the dumb thing is i started to tear and sniff and felt like this idiot retard. so i said this stupid emo line, "when they told me you died, i couldn't believe it, but i know you haven't, becos you would always be alive in my heart"
that was 真心话 okay
then i went back and started to sniff again
i felt like e stupidest person on earth
many ppl left e lesson feeling emo and thoughtful
i can't stand it anymore
why must you be this way?
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU
i shall continue this dumb post tmr cos i simply have too much to say.
i am DEAD BEAT. SERIOUSLY
i think i had less than 25 hrs of proper slp altogether for e whole 5 days
and the horrible thing is, i cannot hibernate today becos tmr morn at 9.30am i am supposed to be at e florida where denise and vanessa k lives to do our geog pw.
and am suppose to do my part on positive impact of singapore river (toursim), importance of singapore river presently and then collect all info that everyone has sent me and print today.
isn't it completly horrible?
why do i keep volunteering to collate stuff and do funny things?
i will never know
perhaps its becos i don't want to feel like a redundant grp member
i am seriously tired
the emotions and thoughts are whirlimg
