.Sunday, July 01, 2007 ' 12:05 PM Y
you used to be the reason, for my smile.
i sometimes wish that i can turn time over.
i really regret it. i still can't get over this. i simply can't accept this fact and move on. it's just so impt to me. i want to get over it but i can't. i just can't. i've tried my very best. i'm trying to move on. its difficult, and i'm trying. i need all your support, but you're all nt giving me any. i'm all alone, and i can't accept this. it seems totally impossible.
i feel like banging my head into e wall. why did i make such a rash and impulsive decision just becos of a minor setback? i've never thought about e future. i didn't think about the consequences. and now there comes the regret. its intolerable. i just can't accept it. it can't haf turned out this way. but its a fact. it makes no difference even if i don't admit and face up to it becos its a purely a fact.
i'm whirling with emotions.
i hate this. i hate myself for doing this. i don't want this to keep on going. its continuous. its never ending. i'm always doing things which has unchangable consequences which affects my life permantly. it leaves permant damage. its etched in my mind. and i end up hating myself for it. everytime i think of what i've done, i feel like running far, far away. i don't want to face up to the facts. its scary to think of what's happening. i just want to hide away forever. but that, sadly, is impossible.
why must heaven make sport of men?
now you see why i'm so scared to quit 3rd lang?
come to think of it, i've never achieved anything in the whole miserable 13 yrs of my life. i've done nth great. nth that wuld make my parents proud of me. nth that wuld make me feel good. nth that changes the horrible facts in life. nth to make a good influence.
i'm having nightmares and wild thoughts everyday. what good am i to society? i don't make any difference. my existence is redundant. no one would be proud of me. there's nth that they can speak good of. i'm nt like my sisters. i'm just a plain gd-for-nth. i keep thinking that i'll be kicked out of band or my section for playing so horribly. i plain suck at all my subs, even english now, that i can't even dream about entering the doors of 2 justice or loyalty. i plain suck at jap so much i'll be expelled sooner or later.
i dun like being in a sch filled with all the elites. i feel so slack and stupid around them. they've got all sorts of talents. mep, drama, sports, studies... what good am i at? the only gd thing i can think of of me is that i haf a loud voice and talk alot. but what use is that? my head is bursting frm thinking about everything. i can't take it anymore. i just can't.
now i see why ppl say you should always choose a sec sch your standerd. it was just a lucky pass for psle. why work so hard for psle just for a stupid grade. just for that moment of satisfaction. then there comes the hard work to catch up with others. everything is about competition, grades, and reality. i can't accept the fact that me, once in the best class and one of the top 20 pupil is e sch is now pratically one of the stupidest person in class. and apparently soon to be demoted even worse. its too harsh. i simply can't accept it.
but perhaps it
is time to face up to the cruel reality
my head is spinning.
i shall go get some decent sleep
